Umm, so yeah...well as we can all see I was deeply entrenched in a bloodlust mood yesterday and was lashing out very badly...which is a mild way to put it, but at this time of the morning with as little sleep as I have had those are as descriptive words as I can find...maybe i'll just comeback and edit the post if something better can be thought of but doubtful because i am equally as lazy at the moment and my NCO had to literally drag me to the floor to get me out of bed...it was kinda funny if you saw it because i tried falling back asleep on the floor till he kicked sand in my face...but yeah.
I'm not hear to apologize today...that'll probably be like later today or tomorrow once the sorrow and sadness returns...right now i think my system is in rest mode as I am just...here i guess...but yes, I lashed out really hard yesterday and most of that if not all are all thoughts that I got while typing and I just put it down to clear my head, thats pretty much what this blog is for is to clear my thoughts of any and all emotions that get me as jumbled and as sick as i've been. But on this post i'm gonna try to respond to things that Angel put in her post...without lashiing and bein a dick. I'm gonna try to keep this as peaceful as possible because i've had enough of my anger for awhile now. I hate being that way. Its not who I want to be, its just easier for me to be. A major fault. But on to responding as best I can...
Well, Mike's pissed at me...which, technically is an expected response, right?
Yeah I was pissed...actually, I was full of rage and wanted to hurt something and take it out on anyone, and unfortunately do to circumstances she was the victim. So for the amount I went overboard I am sorry.
This was a 4 year relationship with someone that I truly loved...not puppy love, not a crush.
Look, I know she loved me...and hopefully still. But this has been the biggest kick in the chest I have ever felt. I'm hurt beyond belief and am living on a hope that one day something will click and she'll send me an email to call her and tell me that somethings changed and we will work through this, we will find a way because damn it we were worth it and still are...
Yes, I cheated on him, twice. Things got bad and I ran to someone else. I'm not perfect. Then again, neither is he. I told him about my little one-night flings after they happened, it may have taken me a couple months, but it came out. He on the other hand had a whole second relationship on the side that lasted for a month and the only reason why he told me about it was because I was crying on the phone one day and asked that we always be honest from now on. So he fessed up to something he had done 3 YEARS ago. How do you keep a secret like that for 3 years?
This is something i've always been touchy on. You see yes she has told me when she has done things...but the first time it was a guilt trip more or less on why she did tell me...I was on my knees crying in her lap begging for her to forgive me for being a prick on the phone while i was away for a few days then she gave in...I believe if I wasn't in that position she wouldn't have told me...the second time, it aparently happened in July...I didn't get told till October, till it was brought to my attention by other parties. She didn't come to me on her own free will, she came to me after I threw it at her after calling a bunch of other people and getting their stories. She wasn't going to tell me. She was going to pretend to be happy and hope that it went away. Now on my situation. I never said I was perfect. I am far from it...but technically I have never cheated on her. I met this one girl while in maryland and i was still very furious and pissed off about the Jay situation. I wasn't very trusting of Angel still especially since she was drinking alot of Katherine and her friends, and all of Katherines friends want sex...she has a habit of finding those. But i was in a bad frame of mind. The girl I met was a fellow Texan so a kinship bound was there and she was there for a good ear to vent and listen to my woes...I never meant for it to go anywhere but I did kiss her, and that was that. We were both feeling bad about it but we still hung out from time to time at work...which is the only place we did hang out. I never saw her outside of that. But i'm not perfect, i know some will say that if you do onething you might as well do something else, but i'm also saying that if someone tells you that they only sleep with people they care about, and their in a serious relationship and they sleep with two or three other people then how does that make their significant other feel...i kissed someone yes. But i never ever slept with anyone. That takes another type of bond, or jumping into a whole set of other problems I wanted no part of. But for kissing and having and bond with someone that went a little further than it should I am and always will be sorry for that. I had no right to, but in my head at the time I justified it with the fact that she fucked this other guy and tried to lie and hide it...a kiss is nothing compared to that...
And now, he stands ready to accuse me of having an affair with an old friend just because I called the marriage off. Yes, Cormier and I have been talking again, yes, I flew out to Colorado (which I told him about) for a weekend, but hell nothing happened.
This just pretty much stands on my fears of being left for someone else, or the better deal. I've pretty much always been afraid of this with her since day one because I have a bad self esteem problem and always find other men as my opposition. This is something hard for me to let go, because its been so long since i've felt otherwise. This as well rides along with the cheating thing as that has always helped me feel more worthless, but thats a battle for another day i suppose.
God this whole thing is just so frustrating. How can he honestly believe that I never loved him? Because he read a couple journal entries on here written when I was angry? I mean, really, how often do I even post on this damned thing??
I don't believe that. I really and truly don't. You see most of my post yesterday was out of pure anger and hatred over this whole situation. I know she loved me, but after how bad last year turned out, from all the bashing I was recieving and all the comments that were being made about me, it just gets to a point where you lash back. I know she loved me, but look at her journals, yes she doesn't write that much but its been quite a long time since anything nice was written about me if you look at it. Which hurts it does. I thought I was more than just Mr. Wrong, but you could never see that.
This is his battle and I don't need to fight him. It's just painful to hear some of the things he says about me now. Has he always felt that way and just never said anything? I think that's what bothers me most. It's just not knowing if these are old thoughts about webs of lies and deceit that are only just now fully coming to light or is he only speaking out of anger? He thinks I blame him for everything. I don't. I don't know how to make him see that. I have tried to explain to him why my journal entries all point the blame at him, but he doesn't understand. I write only when I'm upset. And, when I'm upset, it's easy to point the finger. I mean, who wants to blame themselves, right? We all do it. Isn't that what he is doing now? Trying to get back at me? He feels wronged and is lashing out. I understand this. It's just hard to hear some of the thoughts that go through his head.
This is my fight yes. I have put myself in this position for a major major fall with alot of hurt. But no i haven't always felt this way. I am, pure and simple lashing out in anger, lots of anger. I have no other media to get rid of all the "Ruthless Aggression" i currently possess inside. Though, I have always worried about being lied to, but I attributed that to just the Jay situation and if I felt that she might've been lieing then it was probably a white lie and it was better off not touching it. On the blame thing, the reason I feel this way is because when this was all coming down in July last year, I was the beating post. Every problem that was noted and complained about and was forcing us to be on the outs were all my problems. She never wanted to hear what hers was, and when I tried to do so and explain things I got in more trouble and yelled at which with me that doesn't do well because I start yelling back as well. But thats why I do and always will take the blame because after so much battering from June, the mega hit in July, then in August, I began to believe it. Now I just find it hard to take that she finally sees that it wasn't all my fault...kinda like how she keeps saying that she doesn't believe me that I saw things from her side...just after being hit so much I believed that it was my fault.
Heh, it's funny that he's even got friends who have volunteered to spy on me. Why is that necessary? What would that accomplish? I have been nothing but honest with him about Cormier. I didn't have to tell him I was in CO, but I did. I didn't have to tell him Cormier might visit the end of Feb., but I did.
The spying thing...heh that just cracks me up cause I didn't ask for that, and I'd rather they didn't. I never wanted them to be involved in all this anyways, thats why I never went to anybody with my story and help and to get their opinions. But they won't, that won't accomplish anything for them or myself. As much as I hate Cornfuck, and all her other past boyfriends, cause they treated her like shit...and now I'm apparently get to grace the halls of disgrace along with them. Yes she didn't have to tell me, but with all the anger that was building up, because I have been pretty much driven by my tears, but after that weekend up in Colorado, and then the possibility of him coming to visit...I thought that that was just a slap in the face. I thought she was trying to get me to hate her because it would be easier on her to leave me behind and never think about me. So thats why I was so angry over the thought of him, besides the fact that I think he's more or less a shark looking for its next meal, even if he is nice. He wasn't always there for her. I was. Four years I was always in the trenches with her, but to me it ended up like I was the bad guy and he comes swooping in and looks like the knight in shining armor...it saddens me...I always thought I was much more...that I meant more...
posted by zefyur @ 5:29 PM,
2 Comments:
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At 2:48 AM,
RC666 said...
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First, I never volunteered to spy, I just said me and Chris should have a campout. What are we gonna do take turns looking through a peephole, It's pretty much pointless when your across the hall. I felt bad seeing you like that and was just talkin shit, though I would kick his ass if you wanted me to, we both know that it's not his fault and it wouldn't solve anything.
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At 5:19 AM,
zefyur said...
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yeah...if anyone was to hurt him it would have to be me because this is my fight...i appreciate the sentiment, but like ya said we know it'll be pointless...i need to go continue my nicotene poisoning...hopefullly i can create a slow painful death while i'm here. I'm tryin to get my command to let me travel with a convoy north and back through Iraq, no ones bitin that bait though. bastards.