Umm, so yeah...well as we can all see I was deeply entrenched in a bloodlust mood yesterday and was lashing out very badly...which is a mild way to put it, but at this time of the morning with as little sleep as I have had those are as descriptive words as I can find...maybe i'll just comeback and edit the post if something better can be thought of but doubtful because i am equally as lazy at the moment and my NCO had to literally drag me to the floor to get me out of bed...it was kinda funny if you saw it because i tried falling back asleep on the floor till he kicked sand in my face...but yeah.
I'm not hear to apologize today...that'll probably be like later today or tomorrow once the sorrow and sadness returns...right now i think my system is in rest mode as I am just...here i guess...but yes, I lashed out really hard yesterday and most of that if not all are all thoughts that I got while typing and I just put it down to clear my head, thats pretty much what this blog is for is to clear my thoughts of any and all emotions that get me as jumbled and as sick as i've been. But on this post i'm gonna try to respond to things that Angel put in her post...without lashiing and bein a dick. I'm gonna try to keep this as peaceful as possible because i've had enough of my anger for awhile now. I hate being that way. Its not who I want to be, its just easier for me to be. A major fault. But on to responding as best I can...
Well, Mike's pissed at me...which, technically is an expected response, right?
Yeah I was pissed...actually, I was full of rage and wanted to hurt something and take it out on anyone, and unfortunately do to circumstances she was the victim. So for the amount I went overboard I am sorry.
This was a 4 year relationship with someone that I truly loved...not puppy love, not a crush.
Look, I know she loved me...and hopefully still. But this has been the biggest kick in the chest I have ever felt. I'm hurt beyond belief and am living on a hope that one day something will click and she'll send me an email to call her and tell me that somethings changed and we will work through this, we will find a way because damn it we were worth it and still are...
Yes, I cheated on him, twice. Things got bad and I ran to someone else. I'm not perfect. Then again, neither is he. I told him about my little one-night flings after they happened, it may have taken me a couple months, but it came out. He on the other hand had a whole second relationship on the side that lasted for a month and the only reason why he told me about it was because I was crying on the phone one day and asked that we always be honest from now on. So he fessed up to something he had done 3 YEARS ago. How do you keep a secret like that for 3 years?
This is something i've always been touchy on. You see yes she has told me when she has done things...but the first time it was a guilt trip more or less on why she did tell me...I was on my knees crying in her lap begging for her to forgive me for being a prick on the phone while i was away for a few days then she gave in...I believe if I wasn't in that position she wouldn't have told me...the second time, it aparently happened in July...I didn't get told till October, till it was brought to my attention by other parties. She didn't come to me on her own free will, she came to me after I threw it at her after calling a bunch of other people and getting their stories. She wasn't going to tell me. She was going to pretend to be happy and hope that it went away. Now on my situation. I never said I was perfect. I am far from it...but technically I have never cheated on her. I met this one girl while in maryland and i was still very furious and pissed off about the Jay situation. I wasn't very trusting of Angel still especially since she was drinking alot of Katherine and her friends, and all of Katherines friends want sex...she has a habit of finding those. But i was in a bad frame of mind. The girl I met was a fellow Texan so a kinship bound was there and she was there for a good ear to vent and listen to my woes...I never meant for it to go anywhere but I did kiss her, and that was that. We were both feeling bad about it but we still hung out from time to time at work...which is the only place we did hang out. I never saw her outside of that. But i'm not perfect, i know some will say that if you do onething you might as well do something else, but i'm also saying that if someone tells you that they only sleep with people they care about, and their in a serious relationship and they sleep with two or three other people then how does that make their significant other feel...i kissed someone yes. But i never ever slept with anyone. That takes another type of bond, or jumping into a whole set of other problems I wanted no part of. But for kissing and having and bond with someone that went a little further than it should I am and always will be sorry for that. I had no right to, but in my head at the time I justified it with the fact that she fucked this other guy and tried to lie and hide it...a kiss is nothing compared to that...
And now, he stands ready to accuse me of having an affair with an old friend just because I called the marriage off. Yes, Cormier and I have been talking again, yes, I flew out to Colorado (which I told him about) for a weekend, but hell nothing happened.
This just pretty much stands on my fears of being left for someone else, or the better deal. I've pretty much always been afraid of this with her since day one because I have a bad self esteem problem and always find other men as my opposition. This is something hard for me to let go, because its been so long since i've felt otherwise. This as well rides along with the cheating thing as that has always helped me feel more worthless, but thats a battle for another day i suppose.
God this whole thing is just so frustrating. How can he honestly believe that I never loved him? Because he read a couple journal entries on here written when I was angry? I mean, really, how often do I even post on this damned thing??
I don't believe that. I really and truly don't. You see most of my post yesterday was out of pure anger and hatred over this whole situation. I know she loved me, but after how bad last year turned out, from all the bashing I was recieving and all the comments that were being made about me, it just gets to a point where you lash back. I know she loved me, but look at her journals, yes she doesn't write that much but its been quite a long time since anything nice was written about me if you look at it. Which hurts it does. I thought I was more than just Mr. Wrong, but you could never see that.
This is his battle and I don't need to fight him. It's just painful to hear some of the things he says about me now. Has he always felt that way and just never said anything? I think that's what bothers me most. It's just not knowing if these are old thoughts about webs of lies and deceit that are only just now fully coming to light or is he only speaking out of anger? He thinks I blame him for everything. I don't. I don't know how to make him see that. I have tried to explain to him why my journal entries all point the blame at him, but he doesn't understand. I write only when I'm upset. And, when I'm upset, it's easy to point the finger. I mean, who wants to blame themselves, right? We all do it. Isn't that what he is doing now? Trying to get back at me? He feels wronged and is lashing out. I understand this. It's just hard to hear some of the thoughts that go through his head.
This is my fight yes. I have put myself in this position for a major major fall with alot of hurt. But no i haven't always felt this way. I am, pure and simple lashing out in anger, lots of anger. I have no other media to get rid of all the "Ruthless Aggression" i currently possess inside. Though, I have always worried about being lied to, but I attributed that to just the Jay situation and if I felt that she might've been lieing then it was probably a white lie and it was better off not touching it. On the blame thing, the reason I feel this way is because when this was all coming down in July last year, I was the beating post. Every problem that was noted and complained about and was forcing us to be on the outs were all my problems. She never wanted to hear what hers was, and when I tried to do so and explain things I got in more trouble and yelled at which with me that doesn't do well because I start yelling back as well. But thats why I do and always will take the blame because after so much battering from June, the mega hit in July, then in August, I began to believe it. Now I just find it hard to take that she finally sees that it wasn't all my fault...kinda like how she keeps saying that she doesn't believe me that I saw things from her side...just after being hit so much I believed that it was my fault.
Heh, it's funny that he's even got friends who have volunteered to spy on me. Why is that necessary? What would that accomplish? I have been nothing but honest with him about Cormier. I didn't have to tell him I was in CO, but I did. I didn't have to tell him Cormier might visit the end of Feb., but I did.
The spying thing...heh that just cracks me up cause I didn't ask for that, and I'd rather they didn't. I never wanted them to be involved in all this anyways, thats why I never went to anybody with my story and help and to get their opinions. But they won't, that won't accomplish anything for them or myself. As much as I hate Cornfuck, and all her other past boyfriends, cause they treated her like shit...and now I'm apparently get to grace the halls of disgrace along with them. Yes she didn't have to tell me, but with all the anger that was building up, because I have been pretty much driven by my tears, but after that weekend up in Colorado, and then the possibility of him coming to visit...I thought that that was just a slap in the face. I thought she was trying to get me to hate her because it would be easier on her to leave me behind and never think about me. So thats why I was so angry over the thought of him, besides the fact that I think he's more or less a shark looking for its next meal, even if he is nice. He wasn't always there for her. I was. Four years I was always in the trenches with her, but to me it ended up like I was the bad guy and he comes swooping in and looks like the knight in shining armor...it saddens me...I always thought I was much more...that I meant more...
posted by zefyur @ 5:29 PM,
,
Faceless Anger
I want to die...I just want to fucking die...I woke up this morning in a fit of rage...back to the anger again. The one emotion I have always thrived on...well I had written Angel last night and she had replied, and to me...she says differently...pretty much spells out that she has her rebound all ready set in place...I don't know if i've brought him or or if she ever did in her little journal but Cormier...or Cornfuck as we'll call him and other iterations that suits my pissed and total loathing mood towards him. Well that time she had disappeared or was avoiding my calls (which is what she was doing because god forbid you face a fucking scenario you put in place) but he flew her out to visit him in colorado for the weekend, friday afternoon to sunday evening...yeah. didn't see that happen...what better way to make you forget your problems then to create another problem or mistake, because we all know how well your per say relationship with him went the last time...lets see...you fall for him..he plays you...he gets girlfriend...he ignores you and totally blows you off...you go back into depression and hating life....yeah...thats' something i would run back too...but anyways she went and saw him and aparently since going back to maryland they've been talkin alot...i don't know how much alot is in the terms of a week, but lets just go with everyday...that sounds like a good one. but yeah they've been talkin alot and he plans on comin out to visit her towards the end of February...ahhh...so nice...she lies to me...hides her problems from me...plays me for a fool...comes out with it three months later....ignores me...goes to him...has a good rebound...dumps me soon to be divorce...then continues to persue their little thing...she says otherwise but this is what is happening. I may not have been gotten rid of immediately for him, but it is getting more and more easier for her to ignore me and what has happened and forget all of those special moments we had shared and all the experiences and memories we built, because this is CORNFUCK!!! One of her little recruiter station boys...men...failed relationships...I don't understand this...I fucking hate life...she's pushing and pushing me further and further to hating her. I don't want that. I hate that i'm beginning to see all these little things on what people in this day and age do to fuck everything up that relationships are supposed to be built on and avoided. People just don't give a fuck anymore...its all about the better deal....or flavor of the week...or i want to be the fucking princess and nothing anyone does will sate my fucking thirst...Life is bullshit and I wish I would just drop dead because I am so fucking tired of going through scenario and scenario being put through all sorts of crap, while constantly forgiving the person that fucks me, and still end up loosing... I would think that if you have someone that will let you walk all over them and love you no matter what you would want to keep that person and not ruin things...but aparently i'm wrong...aparently people want more then just a door mat...or they want the doormat and a little something else. I don't fucking know...she tells me little things and then says her head is fuzzy her thoughts are jumbled....i'm sorry. but weren't you going to leave me last year because i was telling you those things...how is it you can hate our relationship and marriage and want to leave it because i do one thing...then when they change, you begin to lie more and hide more shit and then instead of opening up and coming out with you you start pulling that bullshit....I don't get it. I don't understand the point of fucking logic that goes into such a fucking decision as to constantly lie and fuck over someone that is so totally devoted and worshippig the ground you walk on as I was, am and probably fucking will. You act like this doesn't affect you, and that everything we went through and know and share means nothing to you while I sit here and ball over the idea of trying something to get you back or the many different scenarios in which I would love to kill myself. I don't fucking get it. We had everything. We had shit we needed to work on, yeah so be it...every relationship does...you will never be in a relationshiop without having problems and having shit to work out. That is fucking life, and it is never a cake walk. Shit happens and you got to role with the punches and drive the fuck on if you really want to make it through. Or maybe thats just me and you really never wanted us to work. Maybe I was used all four years as a catalyst for you to all your bigger and better supposed ideas. Maybe I was just a provider of all these benifits that when our paperwork is signed you will loose and won't be able to afford on your own...maybe I was just a fucking tool who couldn't see the obviousness of all your lieing and deciet. I don't know..you wont tell me. You have been running from me ever since we got married and yet I was always blamed as never informing you on what was going on. You were never good at it. I have always had to pull shit out of you. You would hint, and when we did have conversations that you tried to get me to open up you still never gave me the whole truth and all the information...I had to go read your fucking online journal to see the rest of your thoughts and all the blame and hate you put towards me. So yeah, I know you want it over...I know mr. fucking Cornfuck is your new love interest and so by all means forget me...forget all we had shared and what we planned for. forget the names we wanted for our children. forget the all the damn dogs and cats you wanted to have with me, forget the house we wanted to have...forget the damn ceremony I promised you that we would have no matter what...forget how much my family loved you and absolutely happy they were to have you as apart of their lives...forget me...Focus on Cornfuck because hopefully that'll work out for you, and niether one of you will manage to fuck that up, though i'm sure it will. He is a fucking idiot that (just like all the other asses you dated) wants nothing more than to get in your pants, and i'm sure once he has enough of that he'll be done with you again for a few more years. And you'll find yourself another rebound...I'm angry...i'm in hate...i'm in a frame I do not want to be in because I love you so goddamn much that you will never fully understand nor it seems that you will never care too you. Me and this relationship seemed to be nothing more than a joke...you want little things...you said i stopped doing them and that upset you...yet when it mattered I always found something to brighten you up...I did the small...I did the big...I did it all and I asked for nothing in return but truth, honesty and love...did you give me that....thats your question. Do you think you actually gave me everything that I asked for. My only requirements. Because with those, no matter what happened I told you then and I tell you now that we would have always found a way to make it through because thats how I roll. I don't quit, I don't give up. Remember I always said it was your decision. Because day get go, I told you, I swore to you, that I would never give up on you, or us. I would always be there through thick and thin. And I kept that. Remember I asked you what you wanted, and you put us here. Not me. I was fighting...I still am. I am dying slowly but surely and am enjoying it. I have always been there. I never meant to let you down when I did and I fixed it as best I could when I did let you down. I wouldn't stop until I felt and knew you were happy and good again. I let you cheat on me, I let you always go with calling me names as fucker and bitch and every other little name you have, I always let you talk with past relationships and yes I let my worry out and known, but I always let you know on the things that mattered to me...i tried every minute of every day. It may take me awhile but goddamnit I fucking tried. No one can take that from me. No one can say otherwise. All I wanted was for you too relax and enjoy the ride. Because I would have took control and I wouldn't have led you wrong. I had plans...serious plans...
Fuck life. Aparently it is true. Those who are nice finish last. So lets see how well I do being a selfish angry son of a bitch.
Its funny. How I can give chances time and time again. For things that no one should get second and third and fourth chances on and its me that has the problems. I kept putting my neck out there, only for that axe to hit harder and harder and yet I'm the one that gets the blame from most outside individuals...Its funny that when its my turn to get a second chance, for things that are no where near as bad as breaking trust and decievement, that I get to watch the one I love turn their back on me because they say they can't fully give into a second chance....
Happy ~ Mudvayne
In this hole, that is me
the dead are rolling over
in this hole thickeing dirt shovled over sholders
I fell in me so overwhelmed oh this pressured
Centering rising
my life overturned unfair the despair all these scars
keep riping open
peel me from the skin
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
tear meat from the bone
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
in this hole that is me a life thats growing feeble
in thsi hole so limiting the sun has set all darkness
buried underneath hands slip off the wheel
internal pathway to contention
peel me form the skin tear me for the rind
does it meake u happy now
tear meat from the bone tear me form myself
are u feeling happy now
peel me from the skin tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
Are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing
posted by zefyur @ 12:21 AM,
,
Yesterday was another horrible day that has been somewhat of a stagnant for this past week...I was at another base the other day with one of our junior enlisted and an NCO and our First Sergeant came out there...well he was seein how we all were doing and from my demeaner I assumed he could tell I wasn't doing well at all...so he took me in the back and asked what was wrong and hell if my life doesn't suck all ready I stood there and told him admist all the tears and crying...He said he was sorry and if there was anything that he could do he would but he told me that need to try to take care of myself and look after myself because unfortunately thats the only thing I can control at the moment...I told him I can't...I have a wife...I want to take care of my wife...I need to take care of my wife...he told me just to stay strong and hopefully it'll all work out in the end....
Stay strong??? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? My life is falling apart and I am slowly pushing my health with it because I just don't care anymore. Its gotten to the point that half way through my first cigarette I get really dizzy...probably not good, but who cares. I don't have anything anymore...My NCO says to just hold on and dont worry. that he's sure by the time comes around for me to take my R & R leave in June that'll it'll be better and she'll change her mind...I told him that she doesn't want me to call her. And that she thinks it'll be better for me to change my leave...So what does that spell out for you!? She is either A) Not in love with me anymore or B) Knows that any contact with me would change her mind because we both know this is a mistake...I'm hurt...I'm at the bottom of my rope and I really don't care about holding on. I want it too snap, I want to make that final decent because what else is there. I don't want anyone else. She's the perfect one for me. We argue, Yes...We disagree, yes...we have had communication problems, yes...we have had our problems. like every relationship. There's never a relationship that doesn't go by that they don't have a hard time or another. But we also had tremendous love for each other. We had lots of fun with each other...Our intimacy was the greatest I had ever felt. We know things about each other that alot of people don't know. We've seen the best the worst and everything in between for each other. We've had our ups and our downs...Why would she want to give this up...this doesn't make sense...i told her there's only so much we can do to fix things over a phone stateside, much less overseas...We just have to make it through this deployment and we can fix everything else...I plan on either finding another place to move too or getting the hell out of the army...We can fix this I know we can...and so I sit here crying next to one of my coworkers/friends just like I did our first sergeant yesterday, much like I've done every day and every night since the 22nd of January...She doesn't want me to call her...but I did...just a little while ago...I didn't say anything...except I muffled sorry after she said hello...she hung up...she didn't sound sad...or upset...or dissapointed in our situation...or like she has been thinking and pondering and going through all the emotions...she sounded okay...just that one word.......I want to hear her voice...I miss it...I miss the sound of her laugh...I miss her bitching at the dog.......I miss her sniffles at times when she's sick....I miss her muffle when she's tryin to talk after bein woken up and not really coherent....I need to hear her again....I want to talk to her again.....but I don't think she wants to talk to me....I don't know why, why does she push me away....why does she pretend to not love me anymore....why does she act like she doesn't hurt, therefore doesn't care about us anymore.....why do I hurt so much...why can't I be strong anymore and turn my back like she wants me to do....because....because I know that when I do, we will never hear from each other again...I know that....I would break the ties.....I did with Laura. she tried to keep in touch and I couldn't so I stopped emailing...stopped answering my phone when it was from her....I didn't want anything to do with her....I know I would do the same for angel...the hurt is so much worse...she was/is my life...and she doesn't want anything to do with me...no...that can't be true....why do you do this...i couldn't have been this bad to deserve this....what did I do that karmically evens this out....why...please stop...please see the light in this because i cannot...i love you so much that this is driving me crazy....angel i need you please take me back......
posted by zefyur @ 6:49 PM,
,
As can be seen, I was quite in the angry mood yesterday...today...i don't know...I ended up cryin myself to sleep again last night as I guess my tirade of lashing out had to come to an end...I just wish it did while I was sleepin. So now i'm kinda in between. I want to cry, but my body won't let me...I want to yell and scream...but again my body won't let me...so I sit here, with a jumble of emotions and thoughts that again make me sick and feel like throwing up.
I was thinking yesterday on how well therapy was for me and I wish I was still in Washington to continue it...I could go here, and if the way my thoughts have been continue I may end up there...but I don't like military docs...especially head docs. I just don't like the scenario. But I was just thinking on how much of a leaf I have turned since I started therapy and had those four or five sessions through october to december...My attitude has pretty much changed big time if you worked or hung out with my back in Maryland. And that got me thinking...if we had a bit more time in Maryland would marridal counciling have helped, would we have been better able to get out and sort out our shit...I think so...then I also thought what if she would go to therapy and get someone that was understanding and helped her get her shit sorted out...I mean if you read her online journal you can see how long she has couped with alot of her issues and she tried doing the medication thing but that obviously hasn't helped, so I just thought on what if she would. Because yes, as she said in her journal, which is pretty much what I told her...I have grown tired on living off of her hopes...because she would get better...or hide it, and we would move forward start getting good then when I start to give in and close my eyes and let her lead thats when I get pushed down to the mud...she has always had a knack for those moments. Whenever I got too comfortable thats when we would have problems. But what if therapy would help. I mean she's still a dependent, so it would be free and if it helped and helped her see that we can push through this crap...would I take her back? Yes, honestly I think I would...but...see there's a but...I would need alot of proving. Like with another issue I would need proof that she has turned a new leaf...But I would take her back, because in the end she is my wife...she is my love...she is my everything...I have built my life around her and as well as my world...I don't think she ever fully realized that...ever saw the things I did try to do for her and us...yes I was immature and yes I handled things alot differently then she would have but isn't that the adventure of it all...if two people thought exactly the same wouldn't that be just as much if not more annoying than two who thought differently...I think so...at least if you are different that gives you more options. But like I said, I would take her back, we could make it work...this doesn't have to die. I love her...She has never truly seen me hurt until now...back last year it was all about her. If you read her posts and read between the lines and fully grasp the emotion and what she was saying it was always truly about her, and she never really truly tried to understand my side or care about how i felt or what I thought or what I had to say...She was just pissed off and angry and hateful to me and anyone else that didn't say or think the exact same as she did, and you can see that. That was one of her complaints. I didn't see things from her point of view...and when I would throw the same back at her, because unlike popular belief i did see it from her side...but when I threw it back she would get very angry and spiteful towards me...and I had one friend tell me that she did the same to him over the phone, which ended in a very short conversation. But I think therapy would do good. She could have someone else too talk to, who knows nothing on our situation, and would be middle...the only thing I wish we could have done is do sessions together cause I think that would have been much more benificial. That way the doc would have both sides of the story instead of just one point of view or one side. I love Angel...I do. I always will and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I want our marriage to work, because as much as I don't want to be divorced by 24 or 25 I don't want to be divorced from her. We had some awesome times, beautiful times, romantic times, lustful times...we had everything. When we were seen as good we were so much better than that, but when we were bad, thats when all eyes were on us and thats when she was most vocal about me and our life together. You never hear couples talk much about when the good times are going, you just always hear them bitching about each other, and I think that was one thing we messed up on as well...we didn't take time out to fully see what we had, we just took it for granted because we wanted it too always be there and so we thought it would be. She isn't a failure. Or at least isn't the only one. I blame myself every moment of the day that I have to breath with the knowledge that I am still willing and trying to fight for a marriage that is slowly slipping away. But I know if we had another chance, to go somewhere, live together and do this again that we would make it right. We know what our faults our, we know what we both need to improve on, thats the first step to maturing. The next is to start working on them, and helping your other work on theirs, because doing so you would both be fixing your problems. Now not everything can be fully fixed and taken away, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a relationship. You need that anger at times. You need to hate each other at times. Like a friend told me the more you love someone the more angry they make you, the more power they have to hurt you. It is true. This wouldn't hurt so much if there wasn't something there. She wouldn't feel like such a failure and care about how i'm hurting if there wasn't something there. Something was there, something worth keeping and fighting for.
Some Will Seek Forgiveness ~ Underoath
I heard a voice through the discord
A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Here's my kiss to betray (Kiss to betray)
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you
And Jesus I'm ready to come home
Jesus, I'm ready to come home(home)
home (home)I'm ready to come
Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you
Hey Unloving (Hey Unloving)
I will love you
posted by zefyur @ 6:41 PM,
,
She says she hurts...but does she really? Why would she hurt...why does she...she wanted this. I wasn't wanted or needed anymore. The decision was easy and thought on...it shouldn't hurt if you want this so much...Should be like asking do I take a left or a right, then choosing. She says she hurts, but does she really know what hurt is...has been driving to the brink time and time again. Has she spent hours...days on end contimplating the how to end her own life, and the effect it would have. Sitting in a strange bed, in a strange land with people that try to understand and help ease the pain, but sitting there, a pool of your own tears from hours of crying and thoughts of just wanting to give up and wish whatever joke of a god is up there would just quit bullshitting you and just take your life then and there. Has she? No...she wanted this...But I have...Everyday since this has begun...Why would I think different? I want her, not a half ass piece of advice that there is always someone for everyone and you never know what can happen in the future...FUCK THE GODDAMN FUTURE!!!! I don't want it without her! I don't want another woman to take a role I wanted, planned, needed her to fill! I grew up enough to know what I at least wanted out of life and it was her! Thats why I said I do! Thats why I would smile while she slept! Thats why I would always brag about her to people that she had yet to meet! Thats why I always tried to outdo myself when it came too her birthday or christmas or try to get her that something special if I managed to find something that she wouldn't expect! I wanted it to be her...and only her with my fucking last name!!! MY FUCKING LAST NAME!!!! A cursed name to say the least because my father left one hell of a fucking trail and I did not want to have any part of it and I refuse to believe that I am falling down the same path!! I wanted her to be the mother of my children because against her belief I knew she would be a great mother! Better then alot of other women! BUT I'M THE FUCKING IDIOT!!! I'M THE GODDAMN RETARD FOR BELIEVING IN EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT WAS BEING PLANNED AND ACCOMPLISHED FOR FOUR YEARS!!! Yes we had our problems but problems are fixable. We had nothing compared to our parents!!! Especially mine!!! We weren't like other couples that I have known and seen! We just had simple mistakes that built up because one of us would turn that blind fucking eye and tried to disbelieve it instead of hashing it out and solving it!!!
I hurt...I want it over...My life is getting lower by the minute...as I have no want in finding that hidden promise that a cruel life always says is around the corner or behind another door...my foot is still in the other door and I refuse to let it fully close...I don't want anything or anyone else...hell at the moment I don't want myself...My mind has not left the thoughts of end since I began my downward decent into such a sufferable place. At work I play face but everyone knows my pain and anguish that I fight everyday...I am very vocal at times about it...but I play face. Like I always have I act like I have no fucking problem in the world and I play and laugh and go about my business...but I do have a problem...I have to call my mom...my mom...she loved her...she always said she was the favorite...between me her and david...her favorite...and i have to tell her that she doesn't want this anymore...I have to find a way to break my mothers heart...but she'll never know how far his son has fallen...how low he is...how many possible ways of killing himself he has thought of...I hate life...I hate everyone in it (so to speak). I know the things I want....One is not too hurt anymore...
posted by zefyur @ 7:36 PM,
,
End
Does she hurt as much as I do
Does she feel the pain inside
Does she feel the burn in my throat
The swelling of the eyes.
Hearts torn open
Eyes sewn shut
Emotions run wild
We died this night.
Does she know what I’m thinking
When I stare into the night
Does she feel my life fleeting
When I hurt myself to hide
Voices stutter
Wounds are bleeding
Hearts stop their flutter
We died this night.
A pain so real
We never saw it
A pain so deep
No chance to hide it
Does she hurt as I do
Did we think things through
This is not what I meant for us
When I said I love you
posted by zefyur @ 5:24 AM,
,
Its over...and the last words i'll ever remember is "be safe out there"
I am no truly alone. I look down and notice that there are no footsteps parrell to my own. Forward is a dark and frightening road that i am afraid to walk. I talked to her last night...almost two hours...and its done...its over...i sit here now with tear filled eyes and a mind that is swirling about in an abyss of shame, hate, and longing. i dont know what to do anymore, and i don't think i really care to figure out.
Like i told a friend a couple days ago, i was so much stronger before the military. i didn't need or want anyone. I was my own man, and thrived on it...but now...i can barely stand on my own too feet because there is a world there that i cannot get used too. And now I have no support to which to find my ground.
"be safe out there...."probably the last words i'll ever hear from her. and it fills me with such pain that should be a crime against humanity. i don't care about safe anymore. i don't care anymore period...I lost. I've truly lost. I am set to be divorced...something i wanted to avoid at all costs, but now i am no better than my father. I am a drunk, I am disrespectful, I am a shovenistic pig, as well as someone who failed his family...I am as well no better than all the men that came before me in her relationships. I failed her, and hurt her...
i wish this would all go away. i wish i could stop hurting...i wish i had never joined the military. if i stayed home i would be safe...i would have been better...i wouldn't have gotten so enraptured in an image of a so called family that i could not possibly give. i was strong there. i was invincible.
I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost it all. I am now forced to see and face my own demons alone, as well as the rest of what this miserable and joke of a life has to bring me. Yesterday a friend was watching City Of Angels…and I still hate that movie for the fact that it shows how fucking shitty life truly for people. We are nothing more than a joke for whomever watches down on us. We are an amusement, and nothing more than dirt on the ground. I have come to hate life.
Everyone also searches for this special meaning to it as well. And I think I’ve got one….Suffer until you find peace in death…if your lucky. But suffer none the less.
I believe karmic fate is still trying to get even with me…I didn’t think I’ve ever done anything so bad to deem such punishment reasonable but somehow I have, and karma is still trying to cash in.
I hate life…I hate fate…I hate the falsehood that people give in hopes of something better…Most of all I hate myself. I deserve nothing more than what I’ve gotten. The picket fence dream is that…just a dream…at least for me. All ideas and plans I had for my coming years now mean nothing…and I don’t care to plan again. I had it all, and through blindness I beat it to a bloody pulp and pushed it away too far to pull back and mend…can I blame her for running…no. Can I blame her for wanting this too end…No...In the end, no matter what I say, I always blame myself and hate myself for it. I had the chance for something special and meaningful but I killed it.
I need to go. I am in pain, and I can barely hold back the tears of my damnation. I need to go to work and then go back to my bed and hopefully pass out…
Song Of The Moment
Story of the Year ~ Silent Murder
It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong
We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows
We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold
It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
posted by zefyur @ 6:43 PM,
,
I am lost...I am broken. I thought I had had it all...but now...but now...
These have been the longest four days for some time now. I have had little sleep...little too eat, and what I do manage to eat, it comes back up soon later. I have smoked almost a full carton of cigarretes and have gone up in down so many emotions it has made me feel very sick. Yesterday I was angry...which had greatened throughout the day. I was full of all sorts of piss and vineger. I had talked to a friend for a couple hours, i believe, and it had calmed me down greatly...but the anger was still there...today i have had a very hard time fighting back the tears. work was a good distraction...but it only lasted so long as we didn't have much to do today. so once sitting back at my desk again, all the thoughts and emotions came tumbling back. with tears i wept.
I have been trying to get ahold of her now since yesterday, and unfortunately no answer has come forth. A friend said he hadn't seen her since thursday i believe, and that her car wasn't home...which made me worry. So now was she not answering any calls...to the home phone or cell...but she was gone. with no word. i've been wanting to talk. to get answers, to get shit out in the open, to find out what is going on...but i have been ignored, and have been left on my own in a world spiraling out of control.
Sleep is not something I have been privy too since this started. Once I get comfortable, all the thoughts come back, and I have to get up because i come close to throwing up. So I either walk out in the bitter cold, tear filled eyes against the wind, a cigarette in hand thinking, or i try to forget with video games and music...which usually leads to me going outside anyways.
I hurt. I don't know what to do, and why it had come to this...again. I had worked very hard on changing things...with myself and how i reacted and came to the challenge of events. I was doing better. I was going to therapy, and getting out my issues with my relationship that was falling apart and with my anger. I wasn't blowing up at work anymore, i was actually quite happy with my new bosses. Since being in the army these were the first ones that right from the get go treated me with respect and gave me a reason to be prideful. And with all that I was doing alot better with my anger at home. Of course I still got angry, thats not going to go totally away, but it was no where near as much. And after every therapy session I would call her and let her know what all was said and give my feelings and thoughts on it, and we would talk for hours...or not so long depending on the time of my appointment. but we would talk. we would discuss. we would conclude and get past things. or so i thought. to me it appeared that we were finally growing up together. that we were becoming that couple we kept trying to be, but had a rough start getting to. it had seemed like we were actually going to make the marriage, a marriage...to me...
I'm not angry at the moment, so i hope this all doesn't come across. I just need to type...to write...to see my thoughts in hopes of keeping my sanity for a few hours.
like I said i've tried calling her...but have had no luck in getting her to pick up. I am worried...worried in case something has happened. worried for what she might be doing that would be out of character for her...worried on why she doesn't want to talk...i am angry, yes...angry of the possibility that she might be ignoring me...angry at the thought of possibly being played...angry, for the sake of not crying when i'm in this mood.
I know my anger has gotten me into alot of trouble, and i'm sure it always will. those that know me know how much i thrive on this emotion. like i can harness and easily assume it better than others. and that saddens me, because i know i do. I know that with my anger, i am focused. i am indestructable, i am hard to shake...but as well with my anger i am blind. focused and blind. i rush, i react quickly...too quickly...i attack. very brutally i attack and fight and push. not necissarily physically, but mentally and emotionally i do. at least not with her, or any woman. i could never bring myself to do such a thing...but my words can hold just as much sting and venom that a punch can if i get too deep.
I am worried. I do not know what she is doing, and why. we were happy. october through december we were happy. we were planning. we had a good thanksgiving with her mom and soon to be step dad. we had a good two weeks together. i left on a good note, and we would see each other again in six months when i would come back on r & r. Then january came...thats where she started to get less and less talkative. I asked her if she could get me a certain dvd so i could have something else too watch...more wrestling. she blew it off..pretty much said no...the next week was our anniversary. i didn't have too much money nor could i find much to get her, but i got her some flowers and at the pics i looked at they seemed pretty. i called her that day and we talked...all was good. we had a good conversation and all was fine. i called her the next day, saturday, her day off, and she...something...she pretty much wouldn't talk. i would try to start something of a conversation, and i would get a two or three word reply and then nothing...for thirty or thirty-five minutes i heard her tv for nearly about 90 percent of the time...so i was a little angry but i tried not to let it get to me, but i told her i was going to let her go, we weren't talking and i didn't want to waste my phone card. i had already used almost 1400 minutes in the first month callin her...alot of fuckin talkin...i decided to give it a few days, maybe she just didn't have things to talk about. so i went to call her tuesday, three days past, and couldn't get on the phone. our two females were hogging it to the umph degree. so i went to call her wednesday...well i didn't get out of work till about 7 o clock at night after being up since 4 in the morning. and we worked all day with barely a break as we had alot of bad food that we had to test and condem. so i was a bit upset i didn't get to call her but i brushed it off. i would call her at all costs come thrusday. i would stay up as late as i had too, i had friday off so nothing would stop me. and I did. but as soon as she got on the phone i could tell she was angry and full of all sorts of fire. she let me know what she thought on me not callin and i explained why then she asked if i thought it was a problem that we didn't talk. and i told her i didn't think much of it, because i tried to talk. she then came at me with how she's been thinking that there was a problem and that there always has been. that we have always been bad at communicating. i told her i have been tremendously better since this all fell down in july. i have told her everything and haven't held back...no matter how brutal it might have been. she told me she thought there was a problem and didn't know how we would get past it and how she was mad that this was like the second or third time i went a few days without callin. i told her that i thought if she was so mad about us not talking then she should take the advantage and actually talk to me when i do call and not ignore me for the sake of television. and i was sorry for going a few days at a time without talking a few times but i was deployed and i may not have alot of work and some days not strenous work but i am always up at 4 in the morning if not sooner, been sick since getting here, and by the time we get out on some days i am dead tired. she said she thought there was a problem and that she didn't know what she wanted anymore...that floored me...didn't know what you wanted anymore...so what was october through december...you helped just as much as me...if not more in initiating us getting back together...and now you don't know what you want anymore...we had a good two weeks which wasn't cheap, and a great thanksgiving with your mom...and you don't know what you want anymore...we took pictures of us to give to our families for christmas, and you made a big collage for my mother...MY MOTHER who loves the hell out of you...and you don't know what you want anymore?
i am greatly confused. this is why i don't know whats going on anymore. i have been more open with her then ever. i haven't held anything back at anytime, and yet there was a supposed communication problem. i've been going to therapy, i have greatly improved my anger, i have an apartment meant for us, i have been trying to make all this plans and surprises for you for when i come down on R&R and you think that there was a communication problem this entire time, that you don't know what you want anymore...if there was a communication problem then why wasn't i ever told...i thought we were communicating a shit load better. and you were very gungho about us getting back together. more then me at the time because i was starting to come to the realization of a break up, an impending divorce.
so yeah, i believe there is a communication problem. the fact that you are hiding...or ignoring...or whatever you are doing or not doing. i'm trying to call you..i want to talk...we need to talk...and yet you are hiding from me and our problems...or at least from me. nothing can be solved and worked on if this is ignored and hidden from. i know that. i'm trying to talk. i've been trying since i coming back in july. i haven't held back anything. i was making the change, taking the curve, improving myself for you and for us. i was making better. but somehow there was a communication problem...i'm trying to call her again tonight..her morning, afternoon...all that jazz. we need to talk. but i'm not sure she wants to. i don't know why, and trying to figure out why my calls go unanswered fills me with tears and heartache.
again things get going good, start to improve...and she runs.......
Story of the Year ~ Take Me Back
Do you still remember back when days were longer, dreams were bigger then
The weight of the world had not yet landed on the shoulders of a man
(I THOUGHT) I thought that time stood still, sheltered, protected
They never told me this would end or that the leaves would fall again
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
There was a day when this world went to war and didn't bat an eye
Real life in the movies felt the same to me and I never questioned why
(I KNOW) I know the difference now, between fact and fiction
But I've come to find that I've grown bitter in just 24 short years
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
So take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Wasting me away, Waste away
So now we're running, we're running blind into the light
And we fall behind
We're running and wasting away with time
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, yeah back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
When we were not afraid
posted by zefyur @ 5:06 AM,
,
Not much to write at the moment as my mind is bogged down with various problems and woes. Again the world of blind happiness I have built around myself has been shattered and it seems that this will be for the last time. People may say that I could have been a better husband or what not, and those are the people that only had one side of the story, because frankly I never told people my side. Its no ones business but mine and the people involved. And there are plenty that never came to me for my side and ready to just take what they hear from someone else at face value, but whatever. So be it. I am angry...filled with hate and thoughts of violence. I am hurt. Nothing to sate not even hourse sitting next to a cold building in 40 degree weather in shorts and a t shirt smoking 2 packs and crying for hours could help to fix. I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like I have been nothing more than a safety net to the better things. But I'm the bad husband. I'm the one who never sees the problems and eventually makes them worse. I'm sorry, but I have busted my ass and have destroyed any part of sanity I have ever had in tryin to make this work, only to keep being pushed down and beaten like a fucking dog that refuses to die. And yet no one has ever seen that....no one has ever cared too....I'm the bad husband. So whatever. If thats how everyone wants to see it, then they can see it. I don't care anymore. I've done everything I can and by myself aparently because for a long time now it has been me as the only one giving a shit to do anything about it. I have matured, relationship wise, much more than 80 percent of the people in my age group...but yet I have been told that I need to grow up. I need to start acting like a grownup about things. Till you've walked in my shoes, till you've heard my side, don't fucking talk to me about growin or maturing up. You don't know, and no one cares too. I am on my own. Such as how it has been for nearly a decade now. Me, myself against a world bent to make life miserable for itself because misery and despair and self loathing is all this world seems to fucking now. So I go. I walk my lonely walk down whatever path this bullshit of a life wants to bring to me because in the end thats all I have. In the end I think thats all I will ever need. I have done my fighting. I have done my begging. I have cried and balled, and lashed out in anger; I have pleaded and begged for mercy; I have constantly questioned myself and beaten myself mentally and emotionallly over every mistake I have been told is mine; and yet...and yet...
We are all creatures of lust and need. And I am starting to come to the terms of maybe thats what love and wants really are...just simple downplayed forms of those. I don't want to believe such things but thats what it seems to be all that is left in this cruel miserable bullshit of a world. We all need love, but almost everyone gives up because of the good sex that they find untill the get bored with it and find something else on the side that peaks their interest further.
The life of the white picket fence, the loving wife and kids time is seemingly over, and no one cares anymore. We all want that bigger and better deal. I like what you offer me, but he offers something new, or she offers me this...It seems like I have been living a lie for four plus years now and was blind to it entirely. My thoughts, my plans, my wishes and dreams were just that...mine. Everyone I've come in contact with or had my relationships with had other plans and have aparently used me until they could find the next step too that goal they have for themselves. So be it. I will sit here with my bottle....I will do what I have always done in life when drama and strife have found me. I will take it, I will learn from it, I will be strong and take care of myself. I will make my life for me, I will fight the good fight on my own because there is truly no one that has your back. Life is an uphill battle, a gamble, and nothing is ever easy. And if you give up on what you say is most important because you think its too hard or you don't know how to fix it or whatever than...
I march alone. Give me my ruck...give me my weapon. I will gaurd my lane with my life, and will give to what is just. I am an american soldier who fights for those that truly deserve it and I shall be until whatever lord up there wishes my presence. I am a conformist; I am a rebel. I do what I feel is right for my moral reasons will lead me to a life that will make those lucky few around me happy.
Life's a gamble, its always 50/50. You can't live if you don't play. You'll never know if you don't take that chance. You'll hurt yourself and everyone else if safety is your favorite spot on the field.
In the end we will all die. We all die alone. And we will all die without a legacy to leave behind. Our faces will be forgotten, then our names...then our families entirely. You are no more important than those next too you, behind you, or in front. Nothing about you is special, or noteworthy.
I end this blog with a song that I have constantly listened too for months now.
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails - Remade by the late Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
posted by zefyur @ 9:09 PM,
,
Well another rant, another rave. Its funny I post so much more when i'm in fucking Kuwait, when I ain't got shit goin on, but when there was so much goin on, turmoil, mayhem and otherwise i couldn't write worth a shit. I figured the people that knew about my blog and would therefore respond to it were living there with me, and heard all of it therefore didn't need to post on a webpage their response.
Ah well. Anyways not much is going on. Pretty much all of us is gettin ready to sign up for various classes and shit for college and i'm tryin to join in, but when i get to thinkin of what i want to do with my life...or what i want to aim for i just don't know anymore. I was wanting to become a teacher. I figured there aren't enough positive male role models for the younger generations anymore and I would like to do my part for them. I mean i'm good with kids and want to be the one to help them learn. But now i'm just...blah...fucking blah. I don't know if i want to do that anymore...Than i've been tryin to write a novel now for what seems like forever, and i've written and rewritten and rewritten and i'm always getting stuck. I just don't have the motivation in my life like what i did when i started to actually put forth the effort with it anymore. Which sucks cause i don't know why. When i started it, i had just moved back in with my mom, was a few months away from doing the first signing with the Army, and pretty much i had secluded myself away from all my friends so i could try to clean myself up. So the only friends i had were the ones i hung out with on the internet...and i had done alot of writting and rewritting and sent it out to a couple to get their input and they would help me out, show me some editing errors help with ideas and direction every now and then, hell they were so much apart of the process it wasn't funny. Hell pretty much all the characters in the book was created after people i knew. But ever since i've left for the army i haven't had any motivation...i've had various other people that i've gone to to get help and see what they think and at first its all good, then it seems they just loose interest or they just never cared for it to begin with.
To hell with it i guess. I'm like so many thousands of miles away from...some type of home...i really don't know where to call it anymore. I don't know what i would want to do with my life, education wise...yeah. such internal drama. And yet i trench on. Playin face, actin like its all hunkey dorey. Anyways i gotta end this, back to work. Cleanin weapons at the moment.
Peace and Chicken greace
SONG OF THE MOMENT: SLIT WRIST THEORY ~ 36 CRAZYFIST
With the absence of eye, I can start to bleed again...
With the color of hearts it seems like you wear right thin
And as it falls from your mouth, it seems like youneeded it more
Well I can still ask for more, I will still ask for more...
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
It seems like a runaround
Words that won't matter
And as it falls from your mouth it seems like youneeded it more
And I will color you all red, I will color you all...red
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Braided conversation
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
And caved the fuck in, and bashed the fuck in, it's so old
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Slit wrist!
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up...
posted by zefyur @ 2:08 AM,
,