For those of you who are into the cheesy zombie films, i happened to stumble across a porn version of said style of movies. Its called Re-penetrator. The little bit i had seen is funny none the less i have to say.
http://www.repenetrator.com
give it a shot. now if only we can get the rest of the masses to convice rob zombie to do his style of horror porn instead of teasin it with his 1000 corpses and devils rejects movies. but yeah. not much to update. as you can probably tell my mood is a bit lighter than it was the last time i was on. but to be honest not really much has changed. no decisions have been made, nothing on the topic has even been mentioned by the other party. In fact she's doin to me what I used to do to her those many times she would come up to me with a problem...i never said i was perfect, so i hope i never gave that impression over these blogs. So yeah, not much has changed. We've been talking alot more on the phone as of late. Good conversation too. at least i have thought so. i mean these last few days have been rather slow, but hell you can't have something to talk about all the time. so i don't think to much on it. But for bout the past week we've been talkin real good. Like old times. makes me miss her that much more. i've made alot more small puns bout kidnappin her and the dog and draggin them back here, and she never resisted the idea just keep askin about what we would do about her stuff....so of course my mind goes thinkin. but i've been tryin to not put too much hope into it, because no matter what goes unsaid i have to go away for a year...and thats pretty much alot of time for her to change her mind. i really wish she wouldn't, but i couldn't blame her for it...i just want her to be mine, forever and always you know. we did take vows...anways i'm not gonna let myself get into the negative side of things so i will be endin this soon. got a field trainin excercise startin tomorrow and endin on the 28th. then i got like two weeks or so till i get to go on leave to visit her and my two boys back at maryland on the 20th through the 1st. hopefully that won't have to be changed. don't have the money to do it. that and i really want to see the silverstein and hawthorne hieghts concert on the 21st...so yeah peace out bitches.
posted by zefyur @ 4:47 PM,
,
i'm falling apart. i don't know anymore...i'm tired throughout the day. i cannot concentrate anymore. but yet my mind is always working. always thinking. I lay in my bed for hourse staring at the ceiling and the walls. even after drinking several glasses of bourbon and coke. my life is in stasis...yet in a constant flux. i had it all...i thought i had it all...a beautiful wife...an annoyin yet good dog, good friends. sure i had problems...but everyone does. then it fell down. and i made it worse. i passed the blame, and grew angry. i didn't see what was really happening. i ignored what was there the whole time and kept pushing. now i lost it all. i've had to move, fucking military, and am getting ready to deploy. my wife...or..uhh...friend with special title...i don't know anymore. i want her so bad...i want to hear her voice everyday so fucking bad it hurts, but when i do, as soon as i hear her, then the immediate silence i fall apart. my awkwardness comes too and i don't know what to do or where to begin. there are times i know she doesn't want me to call, and i wish she would tell me. instead i call and we go through the silence torture. she ignores our situation with quick distractions of halo, drinking and happy pills. i dont know. i'm not looking for much, just a direction. i want too know...something. i'm leaving for a year to go over seas in like two months, and i just want to know what to expect when i come back. i don't want her to move up here with me. why? there's no point. i'm leavin. so if she did want to try to work things out between us, that would have to wait....and then. a year with virtually no talking. yeah, things would change. i don't know. i believe that this is it. that three and a half years of my life are gone. i don't know what they mean to her anymore, i know i will never be able to look back without crying...and hating myself. i'm sure this has jumped alot, but i'm sober and i can never make any sense or focus on one thing at a time anymore if i don't have alcohol in me...i've lost. yet i fight..i do't know why. i can't stop from wanting to try to convice her, to show her that we can still do this. we had some great times...i mean there had to be something there for us to go the time we did...i believe there was...i don't know. could she have possibly stayed because she was still lookin for where she wanted to go in life...was i a safe bet for a time? then when she noticed how deep she was she freaked because it was alot further than where she wanted to go with us...we had great times...i thought i showed her i loved her...didn't i...was i that bad all the time...i know her family hates me now...i mean who wouldn't...i hurt their daughter. i'd hate me too...hell i do...so who's to blame them...maybe they were just my great times...maybe our happiness was just my blindness, and her complacity with trying to find her way in life...i don't know...my emotional low is at bottom...i drink...i've stopped caring...i wish for the worst because my karmic fate is coming...i hope...
UNLOCO-Becoming I
"Faliure"
Maybe I, I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I, I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe I, I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why
I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
posted by zefyur @ 8:02 PM,
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