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my rusted tree

Well I did this test to see how much I could be worth, because goddamnit i'm that awesome, and I am looking to sell myself and various services. So I came across this site...www.humanforsale.com, and it helped me out with my worth. So please take your time, and I welcome all bidders. I'll even drop the price for the right person.


Gender:
Male
$200,000
Age:
24
$30,000
Ethnicity:
White/Caucasian
$130,000
Height:
5'11
$5,000
Weight:
202 lbs.
$0
Body Type:
Average
$0
Hair Color:
Blonde
$10,000
Eye Color:
Blue
$1,000
Handed:
Right
$5,000
Body Hair:
Somewhat Hairy
$1,000
Shoe Size:
13
$0
Bald:
No
$10,000
20/20 Eyesight:
No
$0
Penis Size:
8 inches
$15,000
Cavities:
1-2
$1,000
Athletic Ability:
Average
$35,000
Attractiveness:
NA
$60,000
IQ:
110
$32,505
SAT Score:
NA
$0
HS GPA:
3.2
$30,400
Education:
High School
$1,000
Bilingual:
No
$0
Income:
NA
($5,000)
Profession:
Government
$0
Alcohol:
Often
$0
Smoker:
Yes
($50,000)
Pot:
No
$10,000
Drugs:
No
$10,000
Exercise:
Often
$15,000
Divorced:
No
$0
Comitted Felony:
No
$15,000
Watch Television:
Often
$2,500
Sexuality:
NA
$25,000
Style:
Average
$30,000
Artistic:
Average
$30,000
Sense of Humor:
Above Average
$45,000
Addictive Personality:
Yes
($15,000)
Give to Charity:
No
$0
Adult Content:
Often
$0
Gamble:
Never
$0
Multiplier
x2
Total:
$1,308,810

posted by zefyur @ 6:41 PM, ,




Specy sent me a really soft monkey...
And Some Candies and treats to stuff my fat ass
This is how man should treat a....hold on.....
.......................................................................
.......................................................................
......................uh...............................................
.......................................mmmmmmmmm.......................
.......................................................................
ooooohhhh..............................................................
.......................................................................


WHAAMIE!!!!!!!
Sorry had to examine a DVD I found in the box. I'd put a picture of that up, but the tree isn't a pay site, so there for any type of those pics I place, no one shall make money off of. Which defeats the purpose of an adult site. I forgot where I was....anyways I need a cigarette now. That was good stuff.......hmmmm.....yessss...........Specy's gettin some sexin. Now I just need to steal RC away from his MRLF???? to complete the trifecta of debauchery that we had going on...we made some sweet music together....hmmmm...yessss....
One special moment in evolution:


Peace and Chicken Grease

~Frank The Tank

posted by zefyur @ 6:08 PM, ,




Even Ron Burgundy Rules the Middle East!!!

posted by zefyur @ 9:59 AM, ,




Well I just got off the phone with Specy, and I must say the man has a way with words. His soft, yet masculine voice, with his heart warming and longing words left me swooned as one would say. His erotic talks about his bow legged retarded dribble lipped dog, how he would fire people for me because of their lazy eye and other qualities, his talks of phalices and other accuterments that could be with my package (take that how you want it) that should be arriving within a few. Oh yes, I was turned on. I touched myself in ways that no one could ever get me to do but good ole Specy. I spurted, and spurted onto all within my range...my table...my computer...the phone...the walls...filing cabinets...trashcans...the baby birds in the ceiling tile above me...the back of my coworkers head as he gazed on in amazement at the finese of my touch upon my shaft that was brought on by the hunky man meat talkin into my ear. Oh yes, it was lovely, and so so needed. So for that Specy thank you. I shall remember our talk tonight as I tuck myself in, thinking of you and your words...I have a picture of you now. Laying upon my pillow, next to my head, so you can whisper sweet nothings into my ear as I drift into a dreamful sleep of you and what june can bring us. I touch myself again, and again.



So here's to you Specy.




































And to the rest of the world














posted by zefyur @ 10:01 AM, ,




Its been a few so I figured, "What the hell? Post somethin...anything. Get my annoyin thoughts out there."

Well as of today, it is exactly two months down from my deployment. Many, many more to go, and here I sit thinking...do I really want to go back? Yeah alot of people will say that when it gets down to it I will want to go back to the states...but I gotta think you know...gotta wonder. I really have nothin to be goin back to to feel at all inspired to return to an empty home that I would just as gladly leave again to go...anywhere. Hell the only thing I really look forward too is tryin to get some Wrestlemania tickets for 2007...but really, is that even worth it. (and my friends thats alot comin from me). Im lookin forward to comin back on R & R though. I get to see a few of my good friends. People I definitly miss and wish I had more time with towards the end. RC...his MRLF????...Specy...then there's some of my friends from the past that have been there with me through many other things in my past. NW, DB, Goose, RMiester, BAD. There of course there's my (supposedly reformed) brother who's head is always soundin like its always out in space. Which I hope to introduce Specy to some of these..kinda bring my worlds together if I can...as he's been an integral part of my present.
But as I was gettin at before, its really not the R & R that i'm not lookin forward to. Its the end of my deployment. The actual end of what will probably be the most defining year in my life. As my life has been smashed and all the pieces thrown into the air. And I stand there staring, thinking hard on what I should reach for to save before it comes to a shattering demise back to the ground. Thats what I believe I am now scared of. The unknown...starting over if it does actually come to it (which it seems that way more and more every day). For almost five years now I have had someone there. Through the bad, through the good, through the great, through the miserable...memories made, laughs shared, but someone was always there. Now...I am again by myself. It seems like forever since I've been in this position, even worse all my friends have that someone that seems like is their one...their for better or worse (at least I hope so, everyone seems real happy with one another), and now I'm the one who sits on the outside, smilin with my whisky and coke, back out in the fuckin warzone. (Oh how I love thee)
Whats funny is I told Angel last year...around October I believe, that I needed an answer on what was going on. I needed to know what was going to happen, what I had to expect when I left and what to expect on my return....and then I was fooled. Funny that. The one and only time I tell her she needs to make a decision and stick with it...she didn't really make the decision. or...I don't know whatever.
One step at a time right? Day by day? Make every moment count, cause it could all come crashing down? Oh how I love life. Every saying is so melodramatic, and yet they are all true. I used to be one to live life day by day, make every moment count...but then I gave into the long term. Planning, hoping, wishing, working towards an eventual end. Oh what a fuckin tard I have been made out to be.
Yeah. So these are my thoughts this day. Happy to be four months away from seein some of my peeps, but miserable at the thought of what I have to deal with after that. Bitin the bullet sounds so good at times.

Limp Bizkit ~ Behind Blue Eyes

no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes
and no one knows
what it's like to be hated
to be faded to telling only lies

but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

no one knows what its like
to feel these feelings
like i do, and i blame you!
no one bites back as hard
on their anger
none of my pain woe
can show through

but my dreams theyr aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

discover l.i.m.p. say it (x4)

no one knows what its like to be mistreated, to be defeated
behind blue eyes
no one knows how to say
that they're sorry and don't worry
i'm not telling lies

but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes.

posted by zefyur @ 5:25 AM, ,




Here's some pics for ya bastards!


Some Flooded Housing We Flew Over

Me and A Couple of my Boys


Our Shadow from On High
Camels with a lil baby one
Some ugly fuckin sheep bein herded


posted by zefyur @ 10:36 AM, ,




Well it seems I was givin homework the other day, on somethin like the 8 attributes for your perfect partner...heh. Well isn't this the greatest time in the world to be doing this one. One would think that I would have a nice long list, but honestly its something that I'm gonna have to sit on, so this probably won't get posted for a few days, so now in my head this seems to be kinda retarded to be writing this first part....yeah....big bowl of tard soup. But anyways onto our scheduled programming.

1. Truth/Honesty This has got to be the most important one. I can't stand being lied to. If its one of those little white lie deals than it probably wouldn't bother me, but goddamnit if its something major open your mouth and spill it. All the person does is create more shit by hiding it and somehow expect me to fix or forgive something I don't know about and probably won't know for quite sometime.

2. Caring Yeah yeah i know everyone is gonna say "I care. I really do." Well i'm not just sayin to actually say you do and say I love you every now and then. You know those little things you women like to bitch about every now and then. Why don't y'all try doin some of it yourself?

3. Funny Someone that can make me laugh, even during the bad times. Someone who isn't like my humor, but as well can dish it out like it. I'm pretty sarcastic at times, but I can do kiddie humor with the best of em (if i'm really good and comfortable with the person). Make me laugh fuckers!

4. Knows what they want thats pretty self explanitory there. But I want someone who knows what they want in life, not to fuckin second guess themselves throughout the entire thing, and go running to the hills into another boyfriends arms after you say I do and don't even tell me about it....(yeah example made)

5. Understanding I would like someone that understands me, sometimes better than myself. Just know that there are things I like to do, and let me enjoy them. I try to be understanding as well, but i'm highly jealous at that. (Something I'm tryin to work on).

6. Jealousy You see, out of my major relationships I have been at both ends of the spectrums. I have been with the woman so jealous that I wasn't allowed to do much. Then I have been with the other woman who wasn't jealous at all that would probably let me get away with what she was hiding and liein about...(damnit I did it again) But yeah. I want someone who is a little jealous when it comes to other women, but who will give me that trust and understanding to know that nothing is going to happen, or be strong enough with us to voice her jealousy and fuck let me know what your are thinkin.

7. Patient Now i'm speakin more or less with me, because everyone knows that I am far from patient with the rest of the world, but when it comes to my other I am very patient and tolerable. Just someone to know that when it does look like I made a rash decision be patient because I do think of that person when I make my decisions and to know that I just have a different way of goin about things.

8. Communication Something else I lacked on, but have been greatly improving. Just talk to me. Let me know whats on your mind. Not to tell me your head is fuzzy, and let me stumble onto something in like a journal or a blog. Talk to me, brutal if it has to be. I can take it. I try to communicate with my parter as well, and wasn't always perfect, but I have worked on it.

Well here's my list...yeah. Probably alot of it is just repeated but goddamnit I finished my homework. Hopefully I'll get a D...its still passing. Yeah. Anyways I gotta get ready for work. Post again laterz.

Peace and Chicken Grease
~Frank the Tank

posted by zefyur @ 7:14 PM, ,




Look at my pretty earplugs.
OOOOOOOH. Jealousy is at its peak.
Exerpt From The Channel by Limp Bizkit
Who gives a fuck about what I like
who gives a fuck about who listens
as long as I'm here
as long as you know you can keep me here
for whenever you get lost
or you need an excuse to coverup your intentions
you hate that I express how I'm feeling
you hate that you relate to this shit
you hate that I'm a tick
a motherfucking tick
you're finding hard to forget!

posted by zefyur @ 5:54 AM, ,




Well today started off pretty awesome. I was informed the other day that I would be heading south for a few, and would in turn get the chance to ride on one of the lovely birds you see here on this post. All I got to say is it was damn awesome. Hell of a lot better than a plane, and shit loads more fun than a humvee. It was quite an experience and I got some pictures that i'll be tryin to post here in a few days. Till then I will enjoy more of the desert and hope everything works out to where we get to fly back on another helocopter. That would be flippin sweet as one would say.

~Frank The Tank

posted by zefyur @ 10:37 PM, ,






Well its been three or four days since I gotten upset last, so I guess I was do. I mean i'm not at the i'm gonna kill myself woe is me stage, but am upset none the less. Yeah it went down badly, and there was alot of shit that shouldn't have been done to take most of the blame off of my shoulders, but the fact that it still went the way it did is still upsetting and saddening. I may have vented to alot of people at times about my anger and "God she's annoying me" crap but I always ended up talking good about her and us. I never wanted to give the impression that the Kelley household was falling down, because I didn't want it too. I was incredibly happy with her, even though at the time we had a few minor problems. Thats what relationships are right. Happiness built upon the minor frustrations and problems of every day life, but together the two work as one to fix them, and help each other when one falls. No one is perfect, and yet the human race as a whole strives for it. No one is ever happy unless they fit into a certain image or mold. No one is happy with the basics. We always strive for the above and beyond, which isn't a bad thing, I do it as well, but I don't only strive for that. Its pointless because you can't always go above and beyond. You can't make anything perfect. Life isn't built for perfection.

I love her. I will always love her. But i'm in a flux of tryiing to understand. Things spun out of control really fast and violently, and now i'm in a time of reflection one would say. I had come across some pictures of her that I thought I had hidden away better, and I saw our smiles and how close we were...and yet I wonder. Was it real? Were we really that happy then? If we were, and we would somehow be able to sit down hash it out, get everything out, and I mean really get everything out (without all the hidden crap) maybe concider and possibly do some counsiling and therapy would we be able to get that way again? Would she be able to stop running long enough to see that running from problems will put you head first into another slew of problems that could end up being much worse than what you ran from? Yeah I cried again, and everyone is getting tired of seeing and reading about my woes and self torture over something everyone says I need to get away from and forget about, but it is much harder to do. Some people know this, and I was one of those on the other side who kept sayin you need to run. Quit putting yourself through this bullshit. Forget her she's worthless and you are much better. If it was me in your situation I wouldn't hesitate to get out and away from her crap. Why kill yourself over it? Well didn't I learn the hard way that its easier said then done, and we all gotta go through these types of things in our own ways. And this is mine. The ever wondering, ever questioning, and still always holding on because as much shit as I talk and whatever I say in the future I will always want another chance, and would gladly take it. Don't ask why I still feel this, and why I would be willing to go through something that could just as easily blow up again, because I don't know. Glutton for punishment? Possibly. But...but...

Nickleback ~ Photograph

Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh How did our eyes get so red And what the hell is on Joey's head And this is where I grew up I think the present owner fixed it up I never knew we'd ever went without The second floor is hard for sneaking out And this is where I went to school Most of the time had better things to do Criminal record says I broke in twice I must have done it half a dozen times I wonder if It's too late Should i go back and try to graduate Life's better now then it was back then If I was them I wouldn't let me in Oh oh oh Oh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Remember the old arcade Blew every dollar that we ever made The cops hated us hangin' out They say somebody went and burned it down We used to listen to the radio And sing along with every song we know We said someday we'd find out how it feels To sing to more than just the steering wheel Kim's the first girl I kissed I was so nervous that I nearly missed She's had a couple of kids since then I haven't seen her since god knows when Oh oh oh Oh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye I miss that town I miss the faces You can't erase You can't replace it I miss it now I can't believe it So hard to stay Too hard to leave it If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh Everytime I do it makes me

posted by zefyur @ 4:09 AM, ,




As some can see I have revamped the tree somewhat. A different feel for another start in life. As I am trying to trudge forward down this path I have found myself upon. I am not over what has happened, not by a longshot, but I am tryiing to move forward. I would still want to fix things, but at the moment it is out of my hands...and maybe it is better that way at the moment. So here I sit, at the tree thinking about life and where to go next. I am looking forward to going home for two weeks come June and seein my boy Spec and hopefully RC and his MRLF?. It'll be good to be around friends again, and to be back in the states for awhile. I miss everyone and definitly...definitly (MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE DEFINITELY) miss drinking. Holy shit do I miss my whiskey. Such a good depressent for depressing times. Cigaretts are just about to not cut it anymore, and I still got like.........four months left. Damn this is gonna be long. But i'll strive on. I just did a diagnostic PT test today, and i did fairly well. I passed by the same scores I had when I left Maryland, which granted wasn't too bad, but they were definitly better than the one I took in Washington. That and I passed my tape test and had lost 16 pounds since December. 16 MOTHA FUCKIN POUNDS! Thats awesome shit right there. Now i'm just 11 pounds overweight by the Army standards. Which is good because that is alot less weight on my knees, which my right one is bad, and my lower back, which has been giving me problems since basic training five years ago. So all is good in that department. I'm studyin for the boards now and my NCO is hopin to have me at the April promotion board. So (crossing fingers) i'll get this shit down and finally make the rank that I now feel I'm ready for. So yeah. I gotta get goin. Just wanted to leave a little post but turned out to be a little larger than expected. But stay tuned. I'm gonna try to update the tree a bit more, and hopefully get some pictures in here so y'all can see the sights of the desert with no fucking sights and nothing to fuckin do. Anyways.

Peace and Chicken Grease
Frank the Tank

posted by zefyur @ 3:43 AM, ,




As some will notice that I took the link to my wifes blog down. You may ask why, and I'll just say that I did it because there was alot of bashing and angery blows being thrown over there, and she may be deserving of alot, but if there's bashing to be done, I would like it to be done here. The rusted tree is a good beating post for all gripes and complaints. But yeah.

I was on the phone last night. Talking to a friend that I don't get a chance to talk to that much anymore, and definitly won't be able to for a few years, unless by letter. We were talking and they didn't know much on what was going on except for the normal gripes and complaints of any relationship. They said that the last time they talked to Angel, Angel was a bit off and...self involved was the phrase I believe is what they used. And that had them wondering because they had never known Angel to be like that but couldn't really get much out of her, except that she was talking to Cornfuck and had visited him. But that was all they could get. So I ended up giving them the rest of the info from the past year on all the crap that has happened and what has been done and hidden...Flabbergasted was an understatement to say the least of what they felt. Greatly hurt and upset over the situation is another. They said they didn't have much advice other than to get out and get away because they said I deserved much better than the repetitive treatment I have recieved over the course of this relationship...which now...

I had gotten an email from Angel, I believe she sent it last night her time, but she was really pissed about the comments being thrown around and being made on her page, and she was pretty much venting on me. She didn't beat me down, and call me names, but the anger was directed towards me. She said she doesn't feel like she has to defend herself against anyone that has access to the internet, and that this is getting out of hand, the whole world doesn't need to be involved. Which that was my thoughts exactly...last year. When she was making phone call after phone call giving people her side of what was going on and getting them rallying against me because I was the bad seed to the relationship that was seemingly going so well. I told her I don't like the idea of going to people because no matter what this is between me and her and if they need to know then they'll know when its done and over...Well she didn't listen because phone calls were still being made, emails sent, visits being constructed and acted upon. So now since I really started voicing my opinion and complaints, my thoughts and giving what has really been going on in this relationship, all the hidden details that were hidden from me as much as everyone else, now its getting out of hand...now its at a point to where she doesn't want anyone else involved. I didn't start this...Spec can vouche for that...RC can agree. I told them numerous times that I hated it that she was going out and talking to everyone, and getting them against me. That this needed to be handled at our level, because we are the ones in the thick of it. But now when I have brought a side that has been very craftly hidden from the rest of the world, now its at a point where we need to back off. I've tried. I have been handling this at the barest level for most of our four years together. I went to therapy which was the only person I truly went to. Spec I had hidden lots of shit from because, the less he knew the less he was truly involved. Which didn't work out because she was always walking over and sitting in his apartment when he was home...avoiding me at all costs.

Its at a point now where I will give her the divorce...the end of it. Because she is showing that that is what she truly wants. She has found something bad about the thought of being married to me, and wants nothing more than to run away from it...to something I think she doesn't even know she's truly running to. But its away from me and the marriage. But I think I deserve the whole and full truth. From everything I've bitten my tongue on to hide from everyone else, from the amount of actual repeated chances I've given, from the infinite amount of times I have gladly taken her back every time she's run from me, to only see that it was a wrong choice...I think I deserve that. I know I deserve that. I have put myself through more in this relationship than anyone else that'll ever replace me. I've let her beat me into acts of nearly killing myself, and have always gladly taking her back. I've accepted the lies, and when found out about them accepted the fact that we had to move on because we were good before the lie was actually found out and thrown back at her. I've accepted the amount of abuse she's readily thrown my way. I accepted the rollercoasted emotional wreck the love of my life gladly gave me, because no matter how good I was, I wasn't the men she was used to and she couldn't accept or get used to that idea. I've accepted alot, and have taken alot of shit. I see that now. After the amount of others I have talked to, the rereading of my posts and her posts. Reading of old letters she has sent me, and analyzing them. I see what I have willingly went through and she doesn't yet realize. She said she knows what she's done and that I should move on and find something better. Which i don't know. I know she doesn't truly see what she has done. She, i'm sure, thinks that this is still more or less mostly my fault. That she tried her damnedest and I wasn't willing. She had no choice but to do this...for us. She'll never truly see what I gladly took to make this work, to make her happy. She'll never see the wreck I have become, nor will she care i think. I love her. Unconditionally. Willingly and wholefully. I became the doormat, the whipping post gladly because she was there and I believed that she wouldn't leave me...Maybe I was too soft. Maybe I should have been more forceful and pushy. But that wasn't me. I wanted to be the kind loving husband that took care of his family. Because at this time in my life if I get too forceful and pushy I am too much afraid of ending up like my father. So yes I crack jokes, i pick on people because thats my type of humor, but if you want to do something...then i'm like okay go do it. If it makes you happy do it.

My pain is loving someone too much and blindly giving in and willingly helping to hide what was truly going on to the point we both believed it wasn't really happening. I see my fault. When she wanted answers and talk I should have laid this all out on the table last June...But we live and we learn. Now she will go to this other guy...telling me and herself that what she is doing is not what everyone else I have talked to believes she is doing. She will go. She will get really comfortable and really into it. Next thing she knows they are doing things that her and I did. Then...she'll fall. He'll dump her again, and leave her to rot. And she'll look around...but for the first time in four years...Michael Kelley won't be there to pick up the pieces, won't be there to help her sort out her problems to have her run back to them...I'm not a save point like video games...if this doesn't work, reset go back and try something else. I have been that. But I am going to step back. I am going to watch. She asked me not to do an Adam to her...which is go out and rebound fuck...I told her I wouldn't, but I had to bite my tongue because isn't that what she has done to me...Or was I the rebound fuck for those other guys...thoughts and questions that won't be answered because she has never had the strength to give me the full answers. I am backing away. I am giving into what I see has been happening around me. I will keep my promise. No rebound fucks? Okay. Its not hard for me because she has been the only person I have and only person I wanted to sleep with. Two and a half years seperated out of four and I never went further than a kiss. I think I can manage ten and a half months and maybe longer because I have much drinking to catch up on. I had her make no promises, because in the end, I have learned that on her end...all promises are meant to be broken, and a sworn oath is just another way to make a promise.

Angel. For all its worth. I hope you remember me and remember how much love I have for you. Know that my love was the purist of what you will find, and that I tried as hard if not harder than anyone you know and will ever find. I have hurt many people in my past thats why I have stuck through this as much as I have...get past the karmic payback and all will be good. Remember my love. Remember the times I gave too you. Remember me while you live in the apartment I left you...watch the tv I left, sit on my couches, sit at the computer I got you. Remember me when you see anything on wrestling, you accidently come across one of my shirts and comics. Remember me when you see anything on Cirque De Soliel. Remember me when you sit in the parking lot of a target, look in your liquer cabinet. Remember me when you look down at your ring...or your empty finger...When you look in your drawer with our sexual toys and novelty items I had purchased for you and us. Remember me when you play halo, or suikoden or final fantasy. Remember me when you lay in your bed...looking up at him, remember our times as one...when we made love, had sex, or fucked each other. Remember the climaxes I gave to you, and brushed it off if I could not complete it on my end. Remeber everything about me to the smallest detail. I will remember you. I cry every quiet moment when I think of us from our first night in the back of your car making out in that target parking lot, to us saying I DO, to your birthday at panama city, and at baltimore for the aquarium and cirque de soliel. I'll always remember how much your family loved me and how much better they said I was for you than your other boyfriends. I'll always remember that your step dad mike always approved of me and treated me the best if not like one of his own because he saw the potential I had for you. I'll remember our embraces and the feeling I would get when we were one. I'll remember how you looked...your smell...your taste...your touch...I'll remember everything about you. No one would ever have a chance of replacing you. I'll be there...not so much visible as I always was those many times before, when the answers you thought you had turned out wrong. But I will always be there. And if I am, and you feel you are mature enough to handle the adult relationship with kiddie play I offered, and can prove, really seriously put forth the effort to prove that it is what you want and willing to fight for, then we will see. Till then I will be by myself...I will nurse my wounds and watch the world, I will watch you. I will think of you, I will cry for you, I will scream for you. I will hurt myself over you and nearly kill myself because of you. I will dream of you, have nightmares of you, and pass out from the thought of you. You will still be my everything, you will still be held in a high regard, and see me as the man that above all else, fought for your happiness when no one else would, and could care less about you. I have over come my demons. I have overcome my past. I have grown to be a man that far surpasses the men that I have feared the most, the ones I hated the most. I am a man that at 23 and almost 24 who wants nothing more than to have a loving wife, a child, his pets, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and be able to provide for all that. I am not as immature as everyone used to think. I can act it, with the best of them. And I know that I am not perfect, nor strive for it. I thrive of my faults and I try to make do with the good qualities and make those look better. Most of all, if I find something worth it, if I fully believe and put my heart, mind, body, and soul into something, I will go above and beyond what people think is the breaking point. I have proven that. I loved you, I do love you, I will always love you. No amount of hurt will change that. My name is Michael Kelley. I take care of those that I decide can be apart of my circle. I'll nearly kill myself in the name of love and trust. This is me. My heart laid bare. Welcome to my home, welcome to my life. Welcome to my rusted tree...

posted by zefyur @ 8:48 PM, ,




I stand there, staring ahead analyzing the paths to take. Both grave and dark, and filled with an unyielding unknown. A possibility of hurt and more life rendering pain...but as well both holding a possibility of somethin worth journeying for...I am confused...I always charged forward down the paths that life laid ahead of me...never looking back, never worrying of what I might end up loosing...now though. I stare ahead. Fighting my pains, my saddness, my tears, my broken bleeding heart. How am I supposed to know the right one...how will I know I choose the right path. I am tired of the hurt, tired of wondering...I want that certainty...that garauntee...I look down at my hands. cupped within them a bloodied ring lies there. Its words...(Le mo ghrasa mise agus liomsa mo ghra) are faded and blurred. What once was the definition of my existence is now becoming something obsolete. (I am my beloveds and My beloveds is Mine) Who is she...and where has she gone...I look back, behind me footsteps. Two sets, it wavered sometime ago, but they came back to each other...then one disappeared. Someone was there. With me. As far as I can look back...but where did they go, and were they this beloved of mine. I look forward again, bloodied tears streak my face. Where am I to go? I was heading somewhere, I felt it. It was somewhere good...but...but where did it go? It got cold and dark and I feel lost...someone was with me...I look back thinking where did they go? I grasp the ring, ice cold and heavy. I stand there facing my choices...how long do I wait here...maybe this beloved is lost...maybe she is trying to find me. Do I wait...I am bloodied...I am broken...I hurt the more I sit...the more I think. Do I wait? She has to be looking for me...

posted by zefyur @ 7:25 AM, ,




Well I think I am definitly at the blah of all my emotions today. A week and a half and my body requires rest, and calm before delving back into my emotional crisies that lays before me. I really don't know where to go in this post, I just feel like typing. Not really much has changed for me. I still sit here, hoping for a far hope that she will come back to my waiting arms. That she will forgive me for my past sins, ask me again for forgiveness for hers (which would be forgiven...), and want nothing more than to move on and to quite hurting each other the way we did...She says she needs to rest, take a break and again try to figure things out...it hurts...i don't like it because every day that goes by takes her further from me, and I am gripping as hard as I can to try and hold on. I think she sees this, and is just letting me do what I feel I must do without trying to give my hopes up. I know not if she hopes to one day, maybe give this another try, or if she would even want to do it again. I sure as hell do. I want nothing more than to do it and do it right. I know we could, because we have learned, at great cost, what not to do to each other anymore, and that would be most benificial to us on another go around.
I know I sound very repititious on all these posts. I apologize to the few readers out there. The rusted tree will try to pick up soon. But these are my problems and I need a way to see and analyze it all, as it doesn't work by just sitting and thinking. As some know. So yeah, thanks for sticking with me, and I'll be trying to start posting pics as soon as I get some and learn how to. So here's to hopin I can gain control of the emotional chaos that has befallen upon my life. I pretty much half the people telling me to stay strong hopefully things will work out the way you want, then I got another half tellin me I should run and not look back. We all know the path I am choosing, and I shall venture it in hopes of seeing the light that I look for. If not...well then there will be more posting on the tree of the defacement of love and how my sanity shall never return..so yeah. If ya like to hear that just stay tuned to see if we go that route or hopefully find a way to avoid it. I love her, don't ask why I do or still do after this all, but I do and always will. We had come far together and were very good when problems were being made worse by one of us. Those who saw us happy, know that, but those that did as well know how bad we were. We both hurt each other in different ways, but the hurt was there. But hopefully...hopefully...

Silent Words (acoustic) ~ By Scars of Life
Inside alone
this world's coming down on me again
Nowhere to run to
as these twisted thoughts flow through my head
I never wanted to break away
Can't help that I don't feel the same
And now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
I stare into myself I'm scared
of what I just might find
A reflection of my past
something I've always tried to hide
Now my life is coming apart
Why must I always be this way?
Now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one seesI can no longer take this
The pain that lives inside of me
Must find a way to erase this
So I can finally breathe
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees

posted by zefyur @ 7:20 AM, ,