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my rusted tree

"I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrads to forget, that we are professionals, Non-Commisioned Officers, Leaders."
The military is something that is a state of flux if you will. Its core leadership is not something that is what it used to be, and at the same time it hasn't made its stamp, or placed its seal of how it wants to be with its new generation. There is a constant battle of Old vs. New, and all sides seem to be at a stand still. It seems as if the leaders of yester-year and those of today are just on coast, and don't put forth the effort that they swore an oath to uphold. I think we have come to a time that many people question their leadership, and at times desire the things that they have yet to learn about...yet there are those of us that have been there for some time and all we yearn for is what was promised us...
"All Soldiers are intitled to outstanding leadership. I will provide that leadership."
The corp is falling. Thats how i think of it. Our dearest so called backbone of the army is falling, and really who couldn't see it coming. Its gotten to the point that once that point is reached, all one cares about is bettering themselves, and getting to retirement...then all they focus on is the retirement. Now don't get me wrong, there are good NCO's out there, but they are getting far and few between. The corp is falling...The corp has forgetten itself, and those that help support it.
You all are probably wondering why i say this...what again has happened to make me think that my support channel is nothing more than a joke...a string of falsehood...or nothing more than a smile, that is full of venom and lies.
Today i learned that the Semptember promotion board will be held on the 1st. This is something that I have been yearning for, something that I have finally felt that I am ready for...well I felt like I was ready for it last month, but this month it was a surefire. Finally, I will be able to join the ranks of the respected..finally I will be able to make the impression on another group of young, and lead them in hopes of influencing them enough to better themselves, for the sakes of their own lives and careers, as well as putting a good face on for our military...our Army....
Not so...not so...I learned as well that our astute, that our HQ, headquarters if you will, our support down south, again lost my promotion packet...again smashed my morale and hopes...you see I did a lot of damage to myself back in maryland...that i know. but one can only keep his head so high, or give the attempts and tries up so long when that no matter what he/she does they are always getting bashed for it, and getting bashed the worst. and blatantly. as well as getting different stories from everyone, and still ending up with a knife in the back. from maximum punishment on the smallest of things, to narrowly dodging the fact that that last command tried as hard as they could to try to not allow me to reenlist, i dodged, i got out, and alot of stress was relieved, as alot of stress on me at that time, alot of why i was pushing so hard at all sides of my life, alot of reason of why i was becoming a harder and harder drunk, alot of reason on why i was getting so sick all the time, was work and how i just couldn't take it anymore...i was in a falling marriage, and i was working in a corrupt system that didn't care for anyone that didn't fit their mold, didn't make them look good, who butted from time to time. so once i finally got to Ft. Lewis, and finally got into therapy, alot of my stress and outlook changed. I was becoming a new man, a new person...and someone who felt good about themselves, and was now focused, to better themselves and their career.
Blindfolded...cigarette in mouth, and awaiting the shot...
Thats how I feel. I have been trying to get to a promotion board all year now, and its been one thing after another. You need to go to a month board...not this month...not this month...not this month...okay..no wait...yeah not this month...okay good job, but yeah can't get you to the promotion board now lets try next month...oh...yer on leave...okay not this month...nor that month...sorry we lost yer packet...oh my bad...we lost it again...ooops. What happened to your packet again?
Thats what my 1st Sgt said when Garman asked him if I would get into this coming board if they resent the packet they lost. Nope. What happened to his packet? Your the son of a bitch that we sent it too. And you don't know. You don't keep up with what is going on with your soldiers...oh yeah thats right. We had that bullshit competition this month...a ctt training competition in the sweltering kuwaiti heat that meant nothing at the end. we got four bullshit pieces of paper that are worthless and a chunk of glass that would be better served being shaped and filled with alcohol of some type. A fucking competition was more important than a career...than a soldier bettering themself...than the morale of the soldier and faith of the soldier in your leadership capabilities. Hell i still haven't gotten the damn certificate of achievement from my may board that i won, and their excuse was that i was on leave when the colonel was gonna present it too me...yeah i was on leave...some 20 days after the board, and i've been back how long now??? almost two months. And hell i asked the 1sg about the damn thing the day of our awards ceremony a couple of days ago, and he told me i would get it...and what happened...nothing. not a damn thing. and then he gives garman that excuse over email since we couldn't find him after the ceremony. so i get lied to again...and stabbed in the back, and the board was the twister.
I thought I left this.
I thought I came to a place where I might actually be treated with some respect...
No. I'm a show piece...a model.
Look at the tango who's showing he can handle his job and a romeo's. Look at our fucking puppet, our showpiece.
I'm nothing...i mean nothing. I feel worthless, and I am again at the point where I don't care anymore. SGT Gough, and SSG Garman are trying...they are trying their damnedest, but i have told them blatantly several times since this news was broken that I have lost all faith in my support channel, in my command, and I just don't care anymore. Cause this hasn't happened to anyone to me...and those leaders at headquarters just blow it off and make it seem small...don't show any effort in being apologetic in their actions, or lack there of.
I can't do this anymore. I try i get beat down...i fight back, i get beat down more, i finally escape and get somewhere that looks like its soldier first...and the knife has blindsided me...
I don't care anymore. I told Gough and Garman...hell pretty much everyone that I work side by side with that I am no longer studying...I will know my creeds, and I will get those out to the best of my abilities...but thats it. If they ask why I it seems as if I wasn't ready, then I will say that I didn't prepare cause it seemed a repetitive thing that I would not be allowed to get to a board as I have had two packets lost so I have lost faith in those above me to actually put forth the effort of caring for their own. If they ask why do I think I am ready to be in a leadership position then I will say that I think I can bring something this unit is sorely lacking. Something that seems to have escaped this command and those who are in command...
"...outstanding leadership."
Gough says to not give up hope. We will get you there. But what they don't understand is i've been fighting this battle for alot longer then a few months now. I just was fortunate enough that i was able to take a break, get to therapy before i got close enough to taking my life. And now i am being sucked back into that hole...back into a place where i stop caring, and stop trying. I want to cry, but i know that won't get me anywhere. I want to get drunk, but its a dry country..I want to get high...to another plane of existence...but i don't have the means too while here...
I have no good leadership above the immediate...I got no one that truly cares and is there for me, in the military sense that I want. Whenever I try...its never good enough...its never what others want...or i'm just easily forgotten and pushed to the side...something thats worthless...something that really doesn't matter in the spin of things.
Just a showpiece...
just a showpiece....

posted by zefyur @ 6:24 AM, ,




well, its been like what....20 some odd days since i previously came here to let you poor souls into what is goin on in my life and head. heh. such sporadic posting on my part, and my apologies to those that do check in from time to time to be pissed off that i have yet to post and contact them in at least with this avenue since i'm bad at doin it through other means. but yeah. whatever.
anyways. i looked back at my last post to try to get some idea on where to go with this, as i'm not sure where to start. and low and behold...not one fuckin help. how'd i see that comin. so i will just try typin and we'll see what comes up with hopes that this will not be a complete waste of time for everyone.
well leave has officially come and gone, two months...or two and a half months. somethin like that and here i am in the trenches tryin to keep my sanity for the last four. angel and i have been talking, and have been working towards getting back together come the end of this tour, and movin her out to washington. now i am very excited and happy about this, cause i guess for my own sake and sanity i wanted at least one more chance at this. one more time to see if things could work. so that way i can be honest with myself and everyone when i say that i tried. for all that it was worth, i tried. so as i get closer, her and i talk more. and good talks. alot more talking since my visit in june, then when i lived there last year. so we've been sharing more. talking through things. discussing things. tryin to figure each other out. and with each passin week, i think we come to a better understanding of each other and why some things happened the way they did, when they did. now am i putting my hopes into this? i have to. at least a little bit. while i am still wary that things can fall through between now and then, cause lets face it. we've all seen that when it comes close to the time where she is set to go and leave d.c. ...at some point, she'll change her mind on all situations and stay in the safety zone. now i'm not tryin to bash her, or say anything with a negative light. but i am honest, and am tryin to be wary for my own sake. she has come close to moving quite a few times since i left last year. and each time, something would either fall through or she'll change her mind...or something. so will it happen again? will our relationship not get that chance to try to flourish where many others would have called it quites long ago? i hope so. the way things are now, it is quite a strong possibility that she'll move, and we could make things work. but i still have another three to four months left before i get to head home. how will things be then? will the strain of distance pull her away again like it happened times before? who's to say...i mean really. all i can do is hope. hope for the best, prepare for the worst. thats all anyone can ever do for themselves, their lives.
so i haven't gotten to talk to anyone that i mean to, and would like too. and that is all on my own fault and i apologize for that. i've said many times that hey, i'm gonna call. and something happens, and i don't, or i'm just too tired and don't feel up to it, or i'll get caught up in a game or something. but to spec and rc i promise, at somepoint, i will call y'all. sorry to have such bad communication abilities, but whatcha gonna do? i mean really.
anyways i must close this out. country and i are headin out to the gym, and i gotta start my laundry soon after. so you all be safe and stay tuned. i'll try to post again...at least change the song. i'm all ready tired of it...which is sad, but eh. whatever.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

posted by zefyur @ 9:18 AM, ,




well much to my dismay my command has let me down yet again. shouldn't be anything new or suprising right? i mean thats what military commands do. they build their soldiers up, get their morale up to where they think it should be, then push them off a cliff to a bitter harsh reality.

not to delay much longer, the reason i say such is because i learned yesterday morning, that my command decided to loose my promotion packet, so i will not be able to attend this months promotion board.
thats right. lost my promotion packet. lost it. no ill feelings or sorries, or care from them, just a little email letting my nco know that they had no idea i would be attending this months board, because they haven't been able to find the packet we sent them (a month ago, and they just now let us know).
well isn't that just nice. isn't that just a fucking hoot. thanks for helping your soldier try to give a shit about his own career. thanks for being a good NCO SUPPORT CHANNEL you fucking retarded useless good for nothing hacks! god what does it take to actually be in a chain of command, to actually have people put in charge of you who genuinely gives a fucking shit about their soldiers and do what they can to help them and do all that bullshit in the nco creed?
oh wait! thats right. we're in the new army! they don't give a shit unless it pertains to me army! fuck the world. fuck my soldiers! fuck my officers! fuck everyone unless what i do is gonna benefit me. again i find myself wondering why i give a shit to try to make this a career. why do i try to give a shit to be something that i absolutely loathe and hate. a nco. a noncommishioned officer. aka a backstabber. a lazy fat slob. a piece of shit, that does nothing all day but beat on their soldiers to make themselves feel better. oh wait. the fucking soldiers are no better. if you've seen the new breed then you can see why it would be easy to just give into that stage. but fuck you too the stripes for a reason right? you spent all that time memorizing a creed that you should hold dear, and fuck! actually try to uphold. the nco creed. you remember that? did you give a shit, or was it just a pay raise for you. was it just something to do to get out of that private structure so you could get your turn with the whoppin stick?
here i got people praising me for doing an outstanding job of cross training as a food inspector and proving doubts and fears wrong about what type of tech i thought i wasn't. people thanking me for my hard work one minute, and how i've adjusted, then fucking loosing something that would better able me to assist them better.
why do i care? i mean really. i try and i try, and yet our time here draws closer to an end, and my promotable status is slipping faster and faster from me. i should be angry. i should be furious. but i somehow expected this. i knew something would happen. i went from one command that didn't want me to re-enlist to another who is just not giving a shit about helping me with my career. and the funny thing is, i am trying now. i am trying my damnedest to be a good soldier, and future sergeant. i am actually trying to be something i think i could do better than so many other people i have seen with that grade of high responsibility.
heh. here i sit. finding myself giving two shits less most of the time now. yeah...fuck it.
i'm goin to bed...

posted by zefyur @ 9:32 AM, ,