well here we sit, the end of our lil organizational day down at blessed arif jan, and awaitin my chance to embarass myself at the board. yipee! i'm so excited. course my head is throbbing...i think im a bit dehydrated...my arms are red and hurtin...and i feel a lil sick. ah well. mandantory fun day is over. so now comes the best part. the last bit of studyin and sleep...hopefully lots of it. course after i call D. of course. but its great. i'm the only one goin to the damn thing, so i am the gaurenteed winner unless i fuck up that bad, which i can't allow myself to do cause i need to show that i am capable of goin to the promotion board in june before i leave so i can get my (P) status. fuck i hate boards. i kinda wish spec was here cause he's good at this shit and would be a big help with it, even though i never gave him the time of day with it back in maryland, i could really use his help now. the man knows his board shit. fuck i hate nerds who can read and retain. just kiddin spec. but yeah. i don't feel like writin much, just wanted to check in and let everyone know what was goin on. i hope all is well with everyone, and it is now under a month till i get to go home and get my liver back to where its supposed to be. it doesn't feel right, growin back and all. so yeah. take care you fucks and i'll update later. probably tomorrow...well more 'n likely tomorrow. as i'll have nothin to do till D gets home from her trip off base. so i'll have to have somethin to do between gettin back, prolly bein pissed all to hell, and playin quake 4, or oblivion...or ghost recon...or nappin...or whatever.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 4:47 AM,
,
well i get the pleasantry of findin out yesterday, way later yesterday, that the board is back on and i need to keep studyin. so i get to miss most of the day of studyin cause i was just pissed off, then they tell me i need to keep studyin cause the sumbitch is still gonna happen on sunday. well fuck me. i sware i hate people who act like they know what they are doin when they are in charge and supposed to be runnin the show. bunch of fuckin turds. so yeah thats the most curren update. i'll probably post more later if anything goes on. which who knows with the military. anything can happen. but yeah, off to breakfast and back to the books. peace out bitches.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 8:19 PM,
,
just a quick post to bitch about the retardation that i slightly mentioned yesterday. well it seems today (its a good thing i checked in with country while he was up here) was the actual board that we were supposed to go to...and not the 28th...today...the 23rd...somewhere there was a lapse in fuckin brain power, and the tards down south decided to switch the date or send us the wrong one in the first place and we are all fucked up lookin now. cause aparently they called up lookin for gspot wonderin where we were at...and aparently a lil angry about us not bein there too. this to me is just fuckin great (smell the sarcasm). that means i won't be able to go to the month board till july after i get back, which means i won't be able to go to the promotion board in june like planned...nope that sumbitch has been pushed back till august now, cause of the fuckin tards down south fuckin shit up. and seriously. people wonder why i don't give a shit. why should i. i can't get a command, who's superiors, the ones runnin the show above the bucks and juniors can't fuckin pull their heads outta their asses long enough to catch some fresh air to see the anarchy they are causing. fuckin hell. just shoot yourselves you dumbass oxygen theives. fuck! well there's my gripes...oh besides all that D had a good lil 6 mile road march this mornin which messed her up all to hell. she says she's havin trouble movin about now. (she just got off profile like three weeks ago for a really bad ankle injury that never really healed properly) so yeah. i'm pissed off at them fuckin up my chances of gettin promoted some time before we left this fuckin hell hole, and now D is hurtin and there's nothin i can do for her from here. I really don't give a shit about the class i'm supposed to be doing now. i mean hell. why try to get all these promotion points and shit if things just ain't gonna happen. hell i was originally supposed to go to the month board in april and the promotion board in may...and it just keeps gettin pushed back. fuckin hell i'm so goddamn pissed off at the bullshit that is just runnin rampant through military commands these days. and people wonder why i hate everyone and everything. cause you jackoff's are fuckin idiots. just retire and get the hell outta here. quit makin it so hard on all of us that are tryin to care about this piece of shit! anyways i gotta go show face in this class now...i guess. who care's really. piece out bitches. hope y'alls week is goin good and everyone is at least havin an easy time.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 9:51 PM,
,
welcome back to another post here on the tree. currently i find myself at our nothern camp where i shall be for the rest of the week. doin various training things and such. but its cool. its like a mini vacation away from all the hell and retardation known as my command. i sware the people i work for have nothin better to do than to make everyone's....or it seems like just mine...life a livin hell. idiots the fuckin lot of em. i'd like to go into detail, but security prohibits such things, and i don't want to take the chance of sayin something they might consider wrong. as they are a lil upity when it comes to shit, that doesn't come from the media first. again another group of idiots.
but anyways its been like what four, five, six says since my last post. i can't remember. haven't checked the fucker. but either way its been a good set number of days. i've felt better these days than the entire five months of bein stuck here. its been great havin someone around to talk to and joke around with, and someone that just makes you feel special, ya know. which makes this next week suck worse cause i've gotten rather use to seein her every night and hangin out with her, that now i'm sittin here with really no one to talk to. sucks fuckin ass. but i guess it'll give me time to study for my board comin up next at the end of this week. another wonderful event to look forward too, if you can't see my sarcasm. i'll have enough time to get back this week, take a shower...hopefully see D for a few hours thursday night...hopefully friday if she has off, cause friday night i'm headin out again down south for my board, and various other things. and from there i won't get to be back till...shit. close too if not after the turn of the new month. thats like what a week and a half to two weeks without gettin to see her. then after all that i got two more weeks till i get to go and see that lil spec we all know and love. the big private killer. then i'll have five months left after i return here. five months. seems so long right now. ah wells. i gotta get goin. back to class, and or sleep. whichever i can do first. till next time.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 11:30 PM,
,
well here goes. i guess this can be my reply to rc and his master...the MRLF. I understand the whole just leave it at friendship and/or fuck buddy thing, because of the rebound. and i really have thought long and hard on everything. i've been doin nothin but thinking. hence why i'm up to like 2 to like 3 pacs of cigerettes a day. i have really beaten myself up over this whole thing. but her and i talked the other night, bout everything that has gone on, other peoples intakes that i have talked to, and what good ole peevduece said to her once i left the room. he had aparently jumped down her throat sayin that she better not be playin me and that he doesn't want her around and doesn't like her and all that. which i'm cool with a bit you know. i mean, he prolly coulda been calmer, but its nice to know that i got someone out here lookin out for me. i give him props. but thats what got us talkin cause she was pissed off at him and i bothered her till she told me why she was mad at him, which then insued a bunch of other quesitons on my part and us conversin on everything. and like i said i have been thinkin alot about everything. rebounds, fuckbuddy's, all that other crap. and i know i don't want fuck buddy's, i told her such. i'm not out for sex. i dont want to be friends with benefits because to me right now that just lessons how i feel about myself even more than what i feel all ready. i need something to make me feel important, feel special, feel like i am needed and loved. its something i've been missing. something i've been needing for quite some time now, as i've felt my own self worth go down over the past close to a year. so we talked and decided to see each other, see where things go. and yes i do feel a some guilt, because yes i still am technically married, and i do still have feelings for angel as thats something that'll never go away. but...i don't know. the feeling of being needed and just havin someone there, around is great. i don't like feeling the way i have been and was gettin worse with as the days and months dragged on. i hated who i was becoming and didn't give a shit on fixin it because who else would care. who gives a fuck. but now i have a focus. something that isn't the dark and dreary with constant suicidal thoughts, that has become my life. i have someone who enjoys my company, instead of finding a place to run to. i mean she as well doesn't appreciate my tard and racial jokes, and i'm sure other ones that are in my uncooth repertoire, but thats cool. i can watch what i joke about. but you catch my meaning. i'm gettin a feeling of self importance again, of like i am truly worth a damn and just someone that is unfortunately still there. anyways i gotta get goin. gotta teach the duece how to use a dvd burner...more on my story later. but yeah, for everyones reference when i refer to D, or my lil D, she'll be who'm i'm talkin about. more more more laterz. have a good day y'all. miss everyone. specy i love ya man. see ya in a month.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 10:39 AM,
,
okay i've had a few people ask whats goin on, and instead of replyin individually...or at least to the majority, i'm just gonna post whats all goin on, and just wait for any reprecussions that come my way.
as r.c. and spec know, there's been this one girl that i have been talkin too. she's been tryin to talk to me about everything thats been goin through my head, as i do have some bad days up here, where i'm not the cheerful joking playin person everyone knows me to be, and these past two weeks i've been more or less not that person. i have my moments, but they are far and few between. so she's been hangin around with me more, and we've been talking more. about my problems and hers, (as with every person in the military, we all seem to have relationship problems). but like i said we've been talkin alot. durin work, some days after work, till whenever one of us calls it quits for the night. its been good. havin someone else to talk to. not just having a female to talk to, but someone else with a different perspective and view on what i have goin on. which is what i think i've been needin, i mean besides the few of you who read this (namely my boys and there girls), there's only two people who really know what is goin on and truly how i feel on my situation. gspot and peevler duece. g is pretty much the type says i just need to go out and hit anything that moves and be done with it. you know, hit it quit it....which is i guess a usually viable option, but really not one i'm interested in. i'm as perverted and as sex hungry as they come, but i really have no interest of throwin myself out there. just really doesn't do it for me. but anyways, thats his stance on it. peevduece doesn't really have much of a stance. he makes his jokes, but retracts. as he doesn't really have much experience himself to go off of, he just mostly lends that friendly ear, and has stated as such. so i've been talkin to her, sharing stories of our pains and woes. its been good. havin someone else to talk to.
so thursday comes along. and she comes to hang out with our lil group, and we are all havin a good time. spec would know if he remembered me from wednesday. but yeah we are all goofin, watchin tv, havin a good time. and she and country get up to go pee and he ends up kinda givin her a playful push and she falls to where im sittin. and those who know me know how awkward i can get, so i'm just tryini to make my wise comments and jokes, make sure she's good, and help her up. and she kisses me...on the lips...
so yeah. so okay, i'll say here, that i do find her attractive, and i am finding myself for having feelings for her, but i have been focusing more on friendship and handling other matters, as that is alot more stuff i feel i don't need to get into. but...i don't know...my head immediately kicked into full, and i didn't know what to think...but i did loose control of myself...i really didnt want it to stop. i liked it. but it did, and my head immediately went somewhere. i just know i didn't know what to do so i vanished, smoked thought and went to a friends room to chat. cool my head off you know...so yeah. everyone was pissed that i dissapeared, mostly her, but peevduece and country didn't know what was goin on cause i told them how i've been handling everything else so far, and how bad my head is spinning....but yeah. nothing happened, its just people bein concerned i guess. but yeah i end here. gotta go amuse a colonel.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 4:14 AM,
,
well its been almost another week...well like half a week but still. just one more down and not many more to go till i make specy get off his lazy halo playin ass and do somethin, even if its let me play halo and ruin his score. (thats right bitch, i'm comin to ruin ya!) but yeah anyways i hope all is fine with everyone. i had a good night last night...well at least towards the end. i ended up gettin a couple...well namely one person really pissed off at me, as i kinda disapeared without tellin anyone where i was goin. which isn't usually out of the ordinary, but after some of the conversations we were havin i guess...you know some of the shit i write on here that i don't want too many people i know to know about...i guess they were a little freaked out. as i was gone for awhile, and upset, and really not in the....clearest of minds as one would say. but yeah alot of things were and still are going on in my head that as of right now i don't know if i want to right them here yet. i don't know. i know who pretty much reads this, and i don't care (thats why y'all know about it) but i just need some answers first i guess...some more pinpoint conclusions on what the hell is all going on, in my head and outside of it. but yeah. i'll end up tellin you (r.c. and specy) on the phone next i call, you know i can't leave my boys fully out. but till then everyone be safe and healthy. till the next we meet.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 10:39 PM,
,
Well its been like what a week or somethin like that since i've last updated....haven't checked. too fuckin lazy too check at that. but yeah not much has been goin on since the last update. I got a chance to talk to RC which was cool. i haven't been able to hear from him since i left my two week visit back in november last year. it was good to hear from him, and about what his next few months are to be like with the u.s. wide child trade him and his girl got goin on. i wish i was able to get down to san antonio sooner so i could see everyone at one time, cause we'd fuckin rock that damn place, but unfortunately the great bushmaster reunion will have to wait till another day. So it'll be up to specy and myself to have to do what we can to make up for there only bein two of us...which i think we can manage. i should be a real cheap drunk there for the first....couple days. then i should be back at normal. hopefully...we shall see.
anways like i said not much has been goin on up here. peev duece got back from his leave the other day and hearin him tryin to put together some sort of personal life just amazes me. i hope i was never that dumb with the ladies, as this boy just has no common sense or any idea on how to handle them. that and any advice he seeks out, willingly, he turns away from cause its not what he wanted to hear so he goes back to what he was previously doin. dear god, shoot me now. this boy needs help. and bad.
country is...country. what can i say bout him. i love the guy. pretty fuckin hilarious and very down to earth. makes me miss my boys back home all that much more. spec, rc, and uhh...shmeegle i guess we'll call him since we are on the bases of nicknames here. but yeah. country is a pretty awesome fucker. i'd tell ya more on what him and i are up to but that'll be stories for when i come home.
personnaly i'm doing good. i'm finding myself thinking on my situation a little less, as i try to find some positives...still tryin to find them but the attempt is more or less keepin me busy. i got almost just a month left and i can't wait to get home. seein old faces and friends. drinking...ahh goddamn the drinking. real fuckin american food, not just some cheap greased up kuwaiti knockoffs. its gonna be great. ah well i should get goin as i am just ramblin now. just wanted to update, cause i promised rc i would try harder to post more, since he's been the beast of burden on keepin the bloggin alive for our group. so yeah peace out bitches.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 12:04 AM,
,
well here we are. almost five months down. my how time has flown, and so much enjoyment and pain has with it as well. i really don't know where to start, or where to go, i just felt like writing. i guess a way to see my thoughts that have been bangin around in my head for the past week or so. i'm tryin to move on...for those that have kept pace you know what i mean, for those that haven't, then please backtrack cause i really don't feel like rehashin it. but yeah, i'm tryin to pick myself up and find something...anything to not make the darkness so suffocating. some days are good, some are not. but i'm tryin. i wonder at times if i'm wrong for doing so. for trying to force myself to give up and move on. i think that its supposed to be a gradual thing. something that one would have to go through and take their time with and learn from, but i don't want to. i don't want to wade my way through it. i've been doin that for awhile now. i just want to be free of the pains as quick as possible. am i wrong for trying to cheat myself out it i guess. am i wrong for forcing myself to say fuck it...i don't know. i feel i need to. i can't keep myself suffering over something that i'm the only one suffering from. i'm holding onto something thats not there, and i'm continually asking myself why...and then why not. but no. no more. i can't. its hurtin me too much to keep doing so. to pretend to everyone i live with that my world is a happy place and that i'm content with everything. my true face has been showing. my malcontent for everyone's so called god, for the hands people are dealt unfairly by the cruel bitch known as fate....my pesimistic ways are showing harder and harder...and too some people i don't wish to show them too...there are some that i've started to try to confide in...kinda like a handle to keep myself standing upright on the slippery floors of my sanity...but i'm starting to be angry again. hateful. pushy. i'm becoming the me that was hard to like back in maryland, at least the final year...the me that i hated...i find it hard to not be angry. i hurt like hell the other day as i really truly thought on everything again. it showed. everyone was awkward around me, and really didn't talk to me much...which is okay, i didn't want to. one person tried though. she knows a little bit of the situation, but not much cause...i don't know. i just don't want to tell her. don't want to be a sobbing idiot or show how much of an emotional box of hell i am. so i just sat back and smoked, and joked, and played the face, played the actor that all like, a me more tolerable. but she's asked, and i've avoided. my world is so spun out, i don't know what i really truly doing anymore. am i using my hurt as a crutch now because i was always this way, just good enough to hide it from myself? am i truly used to being like this? i don't want to believe that. i was happy before...several times throughout my life. i've found happiness before. can i find it again? i have friends. i believe i have some of the best friends one could ask for. people that i concider to be more family than most of my real family. and they have been very good at putting up with this all. with my rollercoaster effect. they've been awesome at trying to lift me up and help show me the way out of the turmoil i am in, as best they can. they all know more about me than my real family. they've all seen me at my best and my worst. they've accepted that. never once have i been pushed away, though i've tried to push them away at times. i've shoved against them all. i think thats the one thing that has been the best help for me most of all. the one thing that has made me feel less important and truly unwanted or unneeded. i thank you all. i love you all. i truly don't know what i would do or be like without any of you as you all hold your own special place in my heart and in my life. thank you for bearing with me through this, and the constant questioning of my actions, but i truly am trying to put my foot forward now. trying to make plans, and put forth the effort of something of a future. i'm tryin to get back to my live for the day by the day attitude, as i know thats what made me comfortable. i must go, i have to check on someone now, and get back to my room before the rains come. thank you all. till next we all meet.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 7:25 AM,
,
Here's some more pics for you fuckin bastards. And the Esmeralda ones that I could get off my camera. The dude that is throwin the double hellos is country. our new roomie up here. Enjoys till i can take more and post.
~Frank the Tank
posted by zefyur @ 10:45 AM,
,