It was soft
Was this a dream?
Was it real?
Her touch
A simple glide of a finger
Was it her?
It couldn’t be
How long has it been?
When was the last time…?
I can remember her face now
I can remember her smile
Something had woken me. It was cold. In the middle of June. Night. My clock read 12:00 am. I was alone…but strangely feeling watched. A presence. The window…I went too it and looked. All was dark, black, except for what the white luminescent shine from the moon could touch. Yet…yet…
I felt her there
Was she?
I couldn’t be
It must’ve been a dream
Too long had passed
Too much had happened
But…
I lifted my hand to feel my cheek. Flashes…memories. Sadness, anger, happiness, heartache, hate, love…memories. Just…memories. But I could feel her. Sense her close…I listened. A car alarm far off in the distance came to my wait.
So much had happened
It all seemed to pass
A dream
…Just a dream
I turned and looked to my bed. Emptiness…emptiness is what I should’ve saw. There she lay, curled where she used to lay. The sheets formed and comforted. She was looking at me…I couldn’t begin to say. I stood there staring. Scared…sad. Tears began to form as I looked on.
Everynight the same
Every tear for you
How we had our problems
But enough to kill love?
How we screamed
How we cried…
Yet here I stand
Somehow seeing you
I closed my eyes then. Letting the tears roll down my cheeks. A sniffle. Only a sniffle. I vowed not to sob this night. I opened my eyes again. Stared where she laid. Her beautiful chestnut hair, her vibrant blue grey eyes. A smile to kill for…A smile that…
Why did we fight?
Why did you have to leave?
We never made time
Never made effort
The hate we gave into
The love we hid
You said you needed time
Think things thru
You left….
Again I closed my eyes. The tears gleefully falling. Streaking my facing…dotting my clothes. Shaking my head. I knew better than this…Why do I do this? I can’t keep this up, no more beating myself up. You left that day, you said you needed to get away…I opened my eyes again and looked…looked where she used to…
I knew it was a dream
She couldn’t be here
It wasn’t her touch
She wasn’t there anymore. She never is. The blankets still where she left them. Where you were supposed to come back too. She left that day. Sad…angry…on her way to work. She never made it back there either…No. Never made it there. Someone else angry, someone in a hurry…he took you home. He took you somewhere better. An instant…No you never came home…never got your kiss…your hug…a time to sit and remember the good times we miss. We never talked that night…he stole you I know.
No you never came home
We never got our talk
You never got your kiss
Your hug
Did you remember our times?
The good and the bad
Did you remember I loved you?
And not the things I said
You are free now
From the burdens we placed
Free to be happy
And be with those you loved
But here I’ll sit
A burden too great
I’ll always be thinking of you
The last vision of your face
Before you turned to leave
Before he stole you
I’m sorry my love
A burden with too long to join you
Was this a dream?
Was it real?
Her touch
A simple glide of a finger
Was it her?
It couldn’t be
How long has it been?
When was the last time…?
I can remember her face now
I can remember her smile
Something had woken me. It was cold. In the middle of June. Night. My clock read 12:00 am. I was alone…but strangely feeling watched. A presence. The window…I went too it and looked. All was dark, black, except for what the white luminescent shine from the moon could touch. Yet…yet…
I felt her there
Was she?
I couldn’t be
It must’ve been a dream
Too long had passed
Too much had happened
But…
I lifted my hand to feel my cheek. Flashes…memories. Sadness, anger, happiness, heartache, hate, love…memories. Just…memories. But I could feel her. Sense her close…I listened. A car alarm far off in the distance came to my wait.
So much had happened
It all seemed to pass
A dream
…Just a dream
I turned and looked to my bed. Emptiness…emptiness is what I should’ve saw. There she lay, curled where she used to lay. The sheets formed and comforted. She was looking at me…I couldn’t begin to say. I stood there staring. Scared…sad. Tears began to form as I looked on.
Everynight the same
Every tear for you
How we had our problems
But enough to kill love?
How we screamed
How we cried…
Yet here I stand
Somehow seeing you
I closed my eyes then. Letting the tears roll down my cheeks. A sniffle. Only a sniffle. I vowed not to sob this night. I opened my eyes again. Stared where she laid. Her beautiful chestnut hair, her vibrant blue grey eyes. A smile to kill for…A smile that…
Why did we fight?
Why did you have to leave?
We never made time
Never made effort
The hate we gave into
The love we hid
You said you needed time
Think things thru
You left….
Again I closed my eyes. The tears gleefully falling. Streaking my facing…dotting my clothes. Shaking my head. I knew better than this…Why do I do this? I can’t keep this up, no more beating myself up. You left that day, you said you needed to get away…I opened my eyes again and looked…looked where she used to…
I knew it was a dream
She couldn’t be here
It wasn’t her touch
She wasn’t there anymore. She never is. The blankets still where she left them. Where you were supposed to come back too. She left that day. Sad…angry…on her way to work. She never made it back there either…No. Never made it there. Someone else angry, someone in a hurry…he took you home. He took you somewhere better. An instant…No you never came home…never got your kiss…your hug…a time to sit and remember the good times we miss. We never talked that night…he stole you I know.
No you never came home
We never got our talk
You never got your kiss
Your hug
Did you remember our times?
The good and the bad
Did you remember I loved you?
And not the things I said
You are free now
From the burdens we placed
Free to be happy
And be with those you loved
But here I’ll sit
A burden too great
I’ll always be thinking of you
The last vision of your face
Before you turned to leave
Before he stole you
I’m sorry my love
A burden with too long to join you
posted by zefyur @ 6:16 AM,
,
god i hate this fucking place!!
what a way to start this sumbitch out right? right off with a good tagline of how much i hate being back here, working with a fat retarded good for nothin lazy four times a day burger king eatin sorry ass excuse for an NCO SGT Gough! Thats right folks a real name without the chance of a codeword. SGT GOUGH is a giagantic douchebag that just needs to be wiped off the face of the earth. I mean i'm sure i'm speaking alot out of heat damage as i've been literally outside in the 124 degree weather all fucking day, while his fat ass has either been in the airconditioned storage area, or inside the trucks. I have willingly taken up the duty to help our new DFAC (dining facility) get in order, just cause i know its far enough away that no one will want to walk up to assist me or watch me. but yeah, so i spend all fucking day outside and finally come back to the office around 1 in the afternoon....or 1300 for you military folks. i've been outside since 0730 doin nothin but food inspection shit (rag on your lazy ass romeo buds specy. their job sucks!) but yeah all day out in that shit, then SGT GOUGH goes to lunch with everyone else...or with garman and youngblood. well those two come back, but not gough. he comes back with howard like a half hour to an hour later then the alloted time for lunch. during this time, an alfoodact recall has come to us and youngblood and i have been busting our asses handling it. while he just mosey's on back to fuck off on the internet. (need i remind you that he got uber pissed off today cause he realized, i told him, that today was sunday brunch so breakfast started at 0830 instead of 0530) but yeah he comes back, and garman hands him the info to handle stuff for our off base to call and check on . he gives it to howard, and gets his chubby ass behind a computer too look at gigabytes or whatever his fat dorky retarded turtle beaked face gets off too. garman comes in later and wants us to finish up on our stuff here on buehring instead of his original plan of waiting for people to call us after they inspect and what not. so i go off and look, and the only person to offer assistance is youngblood. YOUNGBLOOD! the guy who's been bustin his hump all over this base too today! and i mean nothin against him but, THE FUCKING PRIVATE OFFERED!!! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER SPECIALIST!!! WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING SERGEANT!!! nope too lazy for that shit! they made a phone call! so send the fucker who's feelin and lookin like shit, cause he's been on the verge of heat casualty all day, to do the crap around base. so i stormed out and did it and came back. i gave garman the info he needed and filed some shit away and turned around and asked gough if we were done......nothing....his fat beaky ass stared at the computer and said not a fucking word. and i didn't say anything disrespectful or do anything wrong at this time. i said sergeant are we done. stood there....looked....waited...waited....waited....got fed up and left the room. and after i left the room i heard him start to ask something but stop cause he realized the door was closing. so i asked garman if he had anything for us, he said no, i went back, gough was opening the door, i stuck my head in the room, ignored him blatantly and told youngblood and howard garman had nothing for us so they are released for the rest of the day. and with that i turned around and left, not saying a fucking word to him. just giving him the simple thought that i was angry, didn't want to be fucked with, or put through his little i'm a newly sgt(p) so i'm gonna strut my shit and create shit loads of busy work for y'all, no i left, in a brisk pace, released myself and the other juniors in front of him, and went back to my room and screamed my head off in peace, till youngblood came in then i vented since he offered an ear...or at least didn't turn the ears away. but yeah. so i layed down, watched an ecw ppv i got, relaxed, let my head throb to its oblivion, got diner came to the office to make a phone call and then the phone starts to fuck up on me...nothing is wanting to work. numbers aren't wanting to be dialed, then operaters aren't wanting to work....haven't called my ma in like 3 weeks and when i try it doesn't want to fucking work with me! then i get garman comin in with his little fag military cell with some fat lazy fuck who doesn't understand english or what "hello this is specialist kelley speaking" means cause he says hello and sits there like a fucking retard watching taffy get made! (i know i've watched taffy get made so don't say anything angel) so after about 5 minutes of fighting this guy for what the hell he wants he lets me know he has 4 kittens he needs me to take care of....great...this is exactly how i wanted my night to end...i know most people know me to not care for the feline species that much, because of past stories i've told, but hell it doesn't mean i like to kill them. there are some cats that have gotten me quite soft on the species and have looked into gettin one. so here i sit four kitten deaths now on my shoulders and a night still ahead of me...fucking yeah! sorry for a post like this. i'm sure some of you were hoping for something more, but really i've been in a slump since coming back. i really don't want to be here, and little things are starting to get to me more and more, and after seeing some of you and spending time with some i really don't want to be here. i want my fucking life back and its places like fucking kuwait that can drive you to insanity, or hanging out your car window and randomly caning the crap out of someone....oh fucking well. till next time. thats for letting me vent.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 7:54 AM,
,
well its definitly been a long while since i last blogged. i've recieved a few emails from some of you that for some reason come to the tree. so first my apologies for taking so long to post for you all. i would say i would try better to keep up with the posting, but right now i'm in that...whatever, funk that i'm just coastin. having to return to this godforsaken place, after enjoying what felt like eternity back home really just bums you the fuck out. i did have a good time, even when i didn't do shit. hell not doin shit was such a release from the stressful rigors of this damn place. I wish I had more time there, and gotten to see everyone i wanted to see. but time was not on my side. but hell its over the hump, so i guess i should be happier that i'm on the downward slope to head back home right? a little bit yeah. i feel a tinge of excitement. but then again...do i really look forward to going back to washington...to a more batallion style of life...to a more field training unit to prepare for things like this. do i really want to go back to a somewhat normal life, when in essence i have gotten used to this...grown fond of it and the people i have come to know and spend time with. i don't really know. i mean some of those people i get to come home with, while others i won't see again. which is kinda the life of the army, but while i have come to accept that and was prepared for it...i just wasn't yet. i spent six months here. had a great time home. came back here, and no sooner than a week after my return, i learn that D and her unit is heading north. to the great fight. now alot of you don't know, but D and I broke up...well. she broke it off with me, and pretty much pissed me off with how she did it and handled everything else that came afterwards, but either way it doesn't take away my feelings for her, and the worry i have for her, and some of the other people i have grown to know and concider...as close to a friend as they can be. i was well prepared for three months down the line to see them leave, back to germany. but not this soon. not to where ever it is they are heading to in that area. i know i shouldn't worry too much, as i'm sure they'll be safe...well. some of them i'm sure. but which ones? which ones? and why does it have to be certain ones? why not all of them? hell, why do they have to go? there's really no reason for them to go there, but yet here they are. packed up. ready at a moments notice...and our goodbyes have been said, several several times. i am saddened. greatly. i feel like i could come to the brink of tears. no matter how it all happened, and how she handles herself i do care for the girl, and don't wish this upon her. nor any of the others. hell there was a time where i was asking everyone, from my command to other commands to pick me. to send me. i talked to a few techs over email to ask to switch. i wanted to go. i wanted my chance to stare death in the eyes and chance my fate. there was a time where i just simply didn't care anymore. where i wanted to die, and let my woes and pains disappear with those final breaths, as i look at the world through a new set of eyes with peace and serinity going through my coldening body. there was that time. and there still is to some degree. not for all those reasons, as i've begun to find myself again. i am getting stronger by the day...stronger...but it is also because of the people i associate myself with. i've been building my strength back on the shoulders of others till i can walk again...and i don't want to walk right now. not by myself. or at least not without everyone that i know and care about. why couldn't have been me? i'd gladly take the chance to do my part, so someone wouldn't have to. so someones loved ones wouldn't have to worry about them, or how they would come home...
so i sit. i wait. i say my goodbyes again and again. i keep my smile strong, and my attitude high for them. for them all. cause they need to be focused, they need to have an easy mind. i know that what i do is small...probably meaningless. but i try. maybe i try more for myself then for them. i dont' know. i just know that this is something i didn't want to come back to. i wasn't ready to deal with. i want them to go home, not where they are going to. why? why? they had three months left and now they have to go risk their lives. now it has been determined by some old nearly dead sumbitch that he feels the need to move this group of people, so close to going home away from this place, north to go fight a battle that really has lost all its meaning except to stay in it cause to pull out people would bitch about all we have lost, even though they don't see that the longer we stay, the more we loose because there really is nothing to gain except for a group of old people who think they know how to run a country feel better about themselves, or to get their name in a history book saying how chivalrious they were or whatever. make them feel better cause they were willing to put my friends into a great danger when they are supposed to be going home. if you are going to send us, do it from the start, not at the end. not when we have all stressed out here for nearly a year to only get orders that we are going to mobilize and go north, and probably get our deployment extended because of it.
I think i'll end this here, cause now i'm depressed and must find a way to lift myself...which means loosing myself in wrestling or video games cause thats all thats pretty much here. heh. yeah.
Life is just one damned thing after another ~ Elbert Hubbard
posted by zefyur @ 4:20 AM,
,
well here i sit on the 3 of july, my final day in maryland, as i get ready to head back to san antonio tomorrow, and from there back to the great desert. i am so not ready for that. i sit here now thinkin on it all and i really am not ready for another six months back there, in that hell, away from everyone i know and love. it has been a great stay, even though i haven't been able to see everyone i wanted to see, or see some as much as i wanted. but time is limited, and there truly is only so much you can do in two weeks as i think on it and look back. i am greatly saddened. i wish i had the chance to hang out with specy more, or even have the chance for myself, specy, and rc to hang out like old times. its been quite some time since the three of us have had the chance to hang out and act a fool. then there's angel...i knew coming here that nothing could happen. nothing should happen. just reestablish lost relations, have a good time, and just enjoy each other. which i think we have. i know i have very much enjoyed my time with her. its been some time since i've felt this comfortable with her, and not delving too deep, mentally, into every word she says. i have been totally free feeling and just over all enjoying what little time i had with her, and i haven't regretted it since day one. i know she still has alot going on in her head as its evedent of such, and i am not pressuring her into a decision. i don't want her to rush into any thing. as it'll make everything that much worse. i told her to just do what she's doin think on things, and just go with the flow. i as well will continue to do what i am doing, and go with the flow. cause really i am being pulled away again for another 5, 6, 7 months so what would be the point of us trying to work things out and get back together. no point. at least not right now. we would end up again where we are now. and probably worse. no. the time would definitly kill any lost hope and promise we could have, if they haven't been all ready. so i wait. i am okay with that. i mean, don't get me wrong, i don't want to be divorced, i don't want to loose my marriage, i most of all don't want to loose her as my wife. i love her. unconditionally. i love her more than i am willing to admit at times. even through everything that we've been through, i know that there is something in there, something there that we had, that is worth saving. and i am willing to still fight for it and preserve it. but i know that i have to play the wait game. i have to let time decide wether or not we were meant to be. i've set out and done what i meant to do. if this is to be the end of us, as a couple, then we have a closure we can both be comfortable with and be happier with. as last years felt too fake. felt too forced. now we can be content with the knowledge we have, and with the memories we share. and if some day we do get the chance to do it over again. then we know where we went wrong, and what we need to work on, and what we need to do to help the other. we have the benefit of foresight now. but who's to say what time holds for us. i can't. she can't. no one can. so i sit. enjoy my life, and the experiences i've been given, and the ones i am and will go through. as i am a student of experience. thats how i've always proven myself to be above others. i've taken my experiences and those that others around me have gone through and learn. yes i may be a bit slow, and even if some things show me that i should stray away, and i trudge into it anyways, i will learn the hard way as well. cause i hope i can change things. i try to change things. but i thank those that have stayed by me, and helped me when i fell and i couldn't stand back up on my own. i love you all and will always be there for you. and angel. thank you for what you have given me. we weren't the most perfect of people, and alot of people didn't think we were good for each other, as they never saw us when we weren't at our best. (as one of us would ineventably show off and start an argument) but i believe we were perfect for each other, and only had room to grow. but then...maybe thats what we need now. a chance to grow. to be on our own, to fall by ourselves, to fend for ourselves...who knows. i will be there for you whenever you want me to be. i will take what i can get now. friend, companion, lover...where ever we go i will gladly follow. thank you for what we have shared. for the memories, good and bad. thank you for loving me, and giving me the chance to love you. who know's what the future holds.
Who's to say? I mean really.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 5:17 AM,
,