i'm falling apart. i don't know anymore...i'm tired throughout the day. i cannot concentrate anymore. but yet my mind is always working. always thinking. I lay in my bed for hourse staring at the ceiling and the walls. even after drinking several glasses of bourbon and coke. my life is in stasis...yet in a constant flux. i had it all...i thought i had it all...a beautiful wife...an annoyin yet good dog, good friends. sure i had problems...but everyone does. then it fell down. and i made it worse. i passed the blame, and grew angry. i didn't see what was really happening. i ignored what was there the whole time and kept pushing. now i lost it all. i've had to move, fucking military, and am getting ready to deploy. my wife...or..uhh...friend with special title...i don't know anymore. i want her so bad...i want to hear her voice everyday so fucking bad it hurts, but when i do, as soon as i hear her, then the immediate silence i fall apart. my awkwardness comes too and i don't know what to do or where to begin. there are times i know she doesn't want me to call, and i wish she would tell me. instead i call and we go through the silence torture. she ignores our situation with quick distractions of halo, drinking and happy pills. i dont know. i'm not looking for much, just a direction. i want too know...something. i'm leaving for a year to go over seas in like two months, and i just want to know what to expect when i come back. i don't want her to move up here with me. why? there's no point. i'm leavin. so if she did want to try to work things out between us, that would have to wait....and then. a year with virtually no talking. yeah, things would change. i don't know. i believe that this is it. that three and a half years of my life are gone. i don't know what they mean to her anymore, i know i will never be able to look back without crying...and hating myself. i'm sure this has jumped alot, but i'm sober and i can never make any sense or focus on one thing at a time anymore if i don't have alcohol in me...i've lost. yet i fight..i do't know why. i can't stop from wanting to try to convice her, to show her that we can still do this. we had some great times...i mean there had to be something there for us to go the time we did...i believe there was...i don't know. could she have possibly stayed because she was still lookin for where she wanted to go in life...was i a safe bet for a time? then when she noticed how deep she was she freaked because it was alot further than where she wanted to go with us...we had great times...i thought i showed her i loved her...didn't i...was i that bad all the time...i know her family hates me now...i mean who wouldn't...i hurt their daughter. i'd hate me too...hell i do...so who's to blame them...maybe they were just my great times...maybe our happiness was just my blindness, and her complacity with trying to find her way in life...i don't know...my emotional low is at bottom...i drink...i've stopped caring...i wish for the worst because my karmic fate is coming...i hope...
UNLOCO-Becoming I
"Faliure"
Maybe I, I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I, I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe I, I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why
I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
posted by zefyur @ 8:02 PM,
