As can be seen, I was quite in the angry mood yesterday...today...i don't know...I ended up cryin myself to sleep again last night as I guess my tirade of lashing out had to come to an end...I just wish it did while I was sleepin. So now i'm kinda in between. I want to cry, but my body won't let me...I want to yell and scream...but again my body won't let me...so I sit here, with a jumble of emotions and thoughts that again make me sick and feel like throwing up.
I was thinking yesterday on how well therapy was for me and I wish I was still in Washington to continue it...I could go here, and if the way my thoughts have been continue I may end up there...but I don't like military docs...especially head docs. I just don't like the scenario. But I was just thinking on how much of a leaf I have turned since I started therapy and had those four or five sessions through october to december...My attitude has pretty much changed big time if you worked or hung out with my back in Maryland. And that got me thinking...if we had a bit more time in Maryland would marridal counciling have helped, would we have been better able to get out and sort out our shit...I think so...then I also thought what if she would go to therapy and get someone that was understanding and helped her get her shit sorted out...I mean if you read her online journal you can see how long she has couped with alot of her issues and she tried doing the medication thing but that obviously hasn't helped, so I just thought on what if she would. Because yes, as she said in her journal, which is pretty much what I told her...I have grown tired on living off of her hopes...because she would get better...or hide it, and we would move forward start getting good then when I start to give in and close my eyes and let her lead thats when I get pushed down to the mud...she has always had a knack for those moments. Whenever I got too comfortable thats when we would have problems. But what if therapy would help. I mean she's still a dependent, so it would be free and if it helped and helped her see that we can push through this crap...would I take her back? Yes, honestly I think I would...but...see there's a but...I would need alot of proving. Like with another issue I would need proof that she has turned a new leaf...But I would take her back, because in the end she is my wife...she is my love...she is my everything...I have built my life around her and as well as my world...I don't think she ever fully realized that...ever saw the things I did try to do for her and us...yes I was immature and yes I handled things alot differently then she would have but isn't that the adventure of it all...if two people thought exactly the same wouldn't that be just as much if not more annoying than two who thought differently...I think so...at least if you are different that gives you more options. But like I said, I would take her back, we could make it work...this doesn't have to die. I love her...She has never truly seen me hurt until now...back last year it was all about her. If you read her posts and read between the lines and fully grasp the emotion and what she was saying it was always truly about her, and she never really truly tried to understand my side or care about how i felt or what I thought or what I had to say...She was just pissed off and angry and hateful to me and anyone else that didn't say or think the exact same as she did, and you can see that. That was one of her complaints. I didn't see things from her point of view...and when I would throw the same back at her, because unlike popular belief i did see it from her side...but when I threw it back she would get very angry and spiteful towards me...and I had one friend tell me that she did the same to him over the phone, which ended in a very short conversation. But I think therapy would do good. She could have someone else too talk to, who knows nothing on our situation, and would be middle...the only thing I wish we could have done is do sessions together cause I think that would have been much more benificial. That way the doc would have both sides of the story instead of just one point of view or one side. I love Angel...I do. I always will and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I want our marriage to work, because as much as I don't want to be divorced by 24 or 25 I don't want to be divorced from her. We had some awesome times, beautiful times, romantic times, lustful times...we had everything. When we were seen as good we were so much better than that, but when we were bad, thats when all eyes were on us and thats when she was most vocal about me and our life together. You never hear couples talk much about when the good times are going, you just always hear them bitching about each other, and I think that was one thing we messed up on as well...we didn't take time out to fully see what we had, we just took it for granted because we wanted it too always be there and so we thought it would be. She isn't a failure. Or at least isn't the only one. I blame myself every moment of the day that I have to breath with the knowledge that I am still willing and trying to fight for a marriage that is slowly slipping away. But I know if we had another chance, to go somewhere, live together and do this again that we would make it right. We know what our faults our, we know what we both need to improve on, thats the first step to maturing. The next is to start working on them, and helping your other work on theirs, because doing so you would both be fixing your problems. Now not everything can be fully fixed and taken away, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a relationship. You need that anger at times. You need to hate each other at times. Like a friend told me the more you love someone the more angry they make you, the more power they have to hurt you. It is true. This wouldn't hurt so much if there wasn't something there. She wouldn't feel like such a failure and care about how i'm hurting if there wasn't something there. Something was there, something worth keeping and fighting for.
Some Will Seek Forgiveness ~ Underoath
I heard a voice through the discord
A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Here's my kiss to betray (Kiss to betray)
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you
And Jesus I'm ready to come home
Jesus, I'm ready to come home(home)
home (home)I'm ready to come
Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you
Hey Unloving (Hey Unloving)
I will love you
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