Faceless Anger
I want to die...I just want to fucking die...I woke up this morning in a fit of rage...back to the anger again. The one emotion I have always thrived on...well I had written Angel last night and she had replied, and to me...she says differently...pretty much spells out that she has her rebound all ready set in place...I don't know if i've brought him or or if she ever did in her little journal but Cormier...or Cornfuck as we'll call him and other iterations that suits my pissed and total loathing mood towards him. Well that time she had disappeared or was avoiding my calls (which is what she was doing because god forbid you face a fucking scenario you put in place) but he flew her out to visit him in colorado for the weekend, friday afternoon to sunday evening...yeah. didn't see that happen...what better way to make you forget your problems then to create another problem or mistake, because we all know how well your per say relationship with him went the last time...lets see...you fall for him..he plays you...he gets girlfriend...he ignores you and totally blows you off...you go back into depression and hating life....yeah...thats' something i would run back too...but anyways she went and saw him and aparently since going back to maryland they've been talkin alot...i don't know how much alot is in the terms of a week, but lets just go with everyday...that sounds like a good one. but yeah they've been talkin alot and he plans on comin out to visit her towards the end of February...ahhh...so nice...she lies to me...hides her problems from me...plays me for a fool...comes out with it three months later....ignores me...goes to him...has a good rebound...dumps me soon to be divorce...then continues to persue their little thing...she says otherwise but this is what is happening. I may not have been gotten rid of immediately for him, but it is getting more and more easier for her to ignore me and what has happened and forget all of those special moments we had shared and all the experiences and memories we built, because this is CORNFUCK!!! One of her little recruiter station boys...men...failed relationships...I don't understand this...I fucking hate life...she's pushing and pushing me further and further to hating her. I don't want that. I hate that i'm beginning to see all these little things on what people in this day and age do to fuck everything up that relationships are supposed to be built on and avoided. People just don't give a fuck anymore...its all about the better deal....or flavor of the week...or i want to be the fucking princess and nothing anyone does will sate my fucking thirst...Life is bullshit and I wish I would just drop dead because I am so fucking tired of going through scenario and scenario being put through all sorts of crap, while constantly forgiving the person that fucks me, and still end up loosing... I would think that if you have someone that will let you walk all over them and love you no matter what you would want to keep that person and not ruin things...but aparently i'm wrong...aparently people want more then just a door mat...or they want the doormat and a little something else. I don't fucking know...she tells me little things and then says her head is fuzzy her thoughts are jumbled....i'm sorry. but weren't you going to leave me last year because i was telling you those things...how is it you can hate our relationship and marriage and want to leave it because i do one thing...then when they change, you begin to lie more and hide more shit and then instead of opening up and coming out with you you start pulling that bullshit....I don't get it. I don't understand the point of fucking logic that goes into such a fucking decision as to constantly lie and fuck over someone that is so totally devoted and worshippig the ground you walk on as I was, am and probably fucking will. You act like this doesn't affect you, and that everything we went through and know and share means nothing to you while I sit here and ball over the idea of trying something to get you back or the many different scenarios in which I would love to kill myself. I don't fucking get it. We had everything. We had shit we needed to work on, yeah so be it...every relationship does...you will never be in a relationshiop without having problems and having shit to work out. That is fucking life, and it is never a cake walk. Shit happens and you got to role with the punches and drive the fuck on if you really want to make it through. Or maybe thats just me and you really never wanted us to work. Maybe I was used all four years as a catalyst for you to all your bigger and better supposed ideas. Maybe I was just a provider of all these benifits that when our paperwork is signed you will loose and won't be able to afford on your own...maybe I was just a fucking tool who couldn't see the obviousness of all your lieing and deciet. I don't know..you wont tell me. You have been running from me ever since we got married and yet I was always blamed as never informing you on what was going on. You were never good at it. I have always had to pull shit out of you. You would hint, and when we did have conversations that you tried to get me to open up you still never gave me the whole truth and all the information...I had to go read your fucking online journal to see the rest of your thoughts and all the blame and hate you put towards me. So yeah, I know you want it over...I know mr. fucking Cornfuck is your new love interest and so by all means forget me...forget all we had shared and what we planned for. forget the names we wanted for our children. forget the all the damn dogs and cats you wanted to have with me, forget the house we wanted to have...forget the damn ceremony I promised you that we would have no matter what...forget how much my family loved you and absolutely happy they were to have you as apart of their lives...forget me...Focus on Cornfuck because hopefully that'll work out for you, and niether one of you will manage to fuck that up, though i'm sure it will. He is a fucking idiot that (just like all the other asses you dated) wants nothing more than to get in your pants, and i'm sure once he has enough of that he'll be done with you again for a few more years. And you'll find yourself another rebound...I'm angry...i'm in hate...i'm in a frame I do not want to be in because I love you so goddamn much that you will never fully understand nor it seems that you will never care too you. Me and this relationship seemed to be nothing more than a joke...you want little things...you said i stopped doing them and that upset you...yet when it mattered I always found something to brighten you up...I did the small...I did the big...I did it all and I asked for nothing in return but truth, honesty and love...did you give me that....thats your question. Do you think you actually gave me everything that I asked for. My only requirements. Because with those, no matter what happened I told you then and I tell you now that we would have always found a way to make it through because thats how I roll. I don't quit, I don't give up. Remember I always said it was your decision. Because day get go, I told you, I swore to you, that I would never give up on you, or us. I would always be there through thick and thin. And I kept that. Remember I asked you what you wanted, and you put us here. Not me. I was fighting...I still am. I am dying slowly but surely and am enjoying it. I have always been there. I never meant to let you down when I did and I fixed it as best I could when I did let you down. I wouldn't stop until I felt and knew you were happy and good again. I let you cheat on me, I let you always go with calling me names as fucker and bitch and every other little name you have, I always let you talk with past relationships and yes I let my worry out and known, but I always let you know on the things that mattered to me...i tried every minute of every day. It may take me awhile but goddamnit I fucking tried. No one can take that from me. No one can say otherwise. All I wanted was for you too relax and enjoy the ride. Because I would have took control and I wouldn't have led you wrong. I had plans...serious plans...
Fuck life. Aparently it is true. Those who are nice finish last. So lets see how well I do being a selfish angry son of a bitch.
Its funny. How I can give chances time and time again. For things that no one should get second and third and fourth chances on and its me that has the problems. I kept putting my neck out there, only for that axe to hit harder and harder and yet I'm the one that gets the blame from most outside individuals...Its funny that when its my turn to get a second chance, for things that are no where near as bad as breaking trust and decievement, that I get to watch the one I love turn their back on me because they say they can't fully give into a second chance....
Happy ~ Mudvayne
In this hole, that is me
the dead are rolling over
in this hole thickeing dirt shovled over sholders
I fell in me so overwhelmed oh this pressured
Centering rising
my life overturned unfair the despair all these scars
keep riping open
peel me from the skin
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
tear meat from the bone
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
in this hole that is me a life thats growing feeble
in thsi hole so limiting the sun has set all darkness
buried underneath hands slip off the wheel
internal pathway to contention
peel me form the skin tear me for the rind
does it meake u happy now
tear meat from the bone tear me form myself
are u feeling happy now
peel me from the skin tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
Are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing
posted by zefyur @ 12:21 AM,
2 Comments:
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At 7:55 AM,
RC666 said...
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That is fucked up bro. I wish I had words of wisdom but I know know words from anyone but her could mend any of your wounds. Chris and I may have to camp out at my place at the end of Feb tho, that could be a little fun.
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At 8:17 AM,
zefyur said...
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why you gonna have to camp? getting that drunk...or girls kickin ya'll out...yeah, so uh email me your work numbers cause i don't know if he got a new one but he sure as hell doesn't answer the one i remember. but yeah, i pretty much had a lot of anger today, and I really needed to get it out, i have another one that I haven't posted yet...pretty much detailing the history of things...alot of shit she had always neglected to leave out on her journal, but haven't gotten the balls to post it yet...i'm tired of bein made to look like the bad guy. you guys pretty much only started seein my side of things towards the end but tobin doesn't, chad really didn't want to get involved and everyone else she talked to definitly had her side...so i'm bringing out my side of things which is definitly gonna shed some light on how "bad, immature, inconciderate, and incompetent" i supposedly really was...but yeah the numbers...need em
wyldedracon@hotmail.com