I am lost...I am broken. I thought I had had it all...but now...but now...
These have been the longest four days for some time now. I have had little sleep...little too eat, and what I do manage to eat, it comes back up soon later. I have smoked almost a full carton of cigarretes and have gone up in down so many emotions it has made me feel very sick. Yesterday I was angry...which had greatened throughout the day. I was full of all sorts of piss and vineger. I had talked to a friend for a couple hours, i believe, and it had calmed me down greatly...but the anger was still there...today i have had a very hard time fighting back the tears. work was a good distraction...but it only lasted so long as we didn't have much to do today. so once sitting back at my desk again, all the thoughts and emotions came tumbling back. with tears i wept.
I have been trying to get ahold of her now since yesterday, and unfortunately no answer has come forth. A friend said he hadn't seen her since thursday i believe, and that her car wasn't home...which made me worry. So now was she not answering any calls...to the home phone or cell...but she was gone. with no word. i've been wanting to talk. to get answers, to get shit out in the open, to find out what is going on...but i have been ignored, and have been left on my own in a world spiraling out of control.
Sleep is not something I have been privy too since this started. Once I get comfortable, all the thoughts come back, and I have to get up because i come close to throwing up. So I either walk out in the bitter cold, tear filled eyes against the wind, a cigarette in hand thinking, or i try to forget with video games and music...which usually leads to me going outside anyways.
I hurt. I don't know what to do, and why it had come to this...again. I had worked very hard on changing things...with myself and how i reacted and came to the challenge of events. I was doing better. I was going to therapy, and getting out my issues with my relationship that was falling apart and with my anger. I wasn't blowing up at work anymore, i was actually quite happy with my new bosses. Since being in the army these were the first ones that right from the get go treated me with respect and gave me a reason to be prideful. And with all that I was doing alot better with my anger at home. Of course I still got angry, thats not going to go totally away, but it was no where near as much. And after every therapy session I would call her and let her know what all was said and give my feelings and thoughts on it, and we would talk for hours...or not so long depending on the time of my appointment. but we would talk. we would discuss. we would conclude and get past things. or so i thought. to me it appeared that we were finally growing up together. that we were becoming that couple we kept trying to be, but had a rough start getting to. it had seemed like we were actually going to make the marriage, a marriage...to me...
I'm not angry at the moment, so i hope this all doesn't come across. I just need to type...to write...to see my thoughts in hopes of keeping my sanity for a few hours.
like I said i've tried calling her...but have had no luck in getting her to pick up. I am worried...worried in case something has happened. worried for what she might be doing that would be out of character for her...worried on why she doesn't want to talk...i am angry, yes...angry of the possibility that she might be ignoring me...angry at the thought of possibly being played...angry, for the sake of not crying when i'm in this mood.
I know my anger has gotten me into alot of trouble, and i'm sure it always will. those that know me know how much i thrive on this emotion. like i can harness and easily assume it better than others. and that saddens me, because i know i do. I know that with my anger, i am focused. i am indestructable, i am hard to shake...but as well with my anger i am blind. focused and blind. i rush, i react quickly...too quickly...i attack. very brutally i attack and fight and push. not necissarily physically, but mentally and emotionally i do. at least not with her, or any woman. i could never bring myself to do such a thing...but my words can hold just as much sting and venom that a punch can if i get too deep.
I am worried. I do not know what she is doing, and why. we were happy. october through december we were happy. we were planning. we had a good thanksgiving with her mom and soon to be step dad. we had a good two weeks together. i left on a good note, and we would see each other again in six months when i would come back on r & r. Then january came...thats where she started to get less and less talkative. I asked her if she could get me a certain dvd so i could have something else too watch...more wrestling. she blew it off..pretty much said no...the next week was our anniversary. i didn't have too much money nor could i find much to get her, but i got her some flowers and at the pics i looked at they seemed pretty. i called her that day and we talked...all was good. we had a good conversation and all was fine. i called her the next day, saturday, her day off, and she...something...she pretty much wouldn't talk. i would try to start something of a conversation, and i would get a two or three word reply and then nothing...for thirty or thirty-five minutes i heard her tv for nearly about 90 percent of the time...so i was a little angry but i tried not to let it get to me, but i told her i was going to let her go, we weren't talking and i didn't want to waste my phone card. i had already used almost 1400 minutes in the first month callin her...alot of fuckin talkin...i decided to give it a few days, maybe she just didn't have things to talk about. so i went to call her tuesday, three days past, and couldn't get on the phone. our two females were hogging it to the umph degree. so i went to call her wednesday...well i didn't get out of work till about 7 o clock at night after being up since 4 in the morning. and we worked all day with barely a break as we had alot of bad food that we had to test and condem. so i was a bit upset i didn't get to call her but i brushed it off. i would call her at all costs come thrusday. i would stay up as late as i had too, i had friday off so nothing would stop me. and I did. but as soon as she got on the phone i could tell she was angry and full of all sorts of fire. she let me know what she thought on me not callin and i explained why then she asked if i thought it was a problem that we didn't talk. and i told her i didn't think much of it, because i tried to talk. she then came at me with how she's been thinking that there was a problem and that there always has been. that we have always been bad at communicating. i told her i have been tremendously better since this all fell down in july. i have told her everything and haven't held back...no matter how brutal it might have been. she told me she thought there was a problem and didn't know how we would get past it and how she was mad that this was like the second or third time i went a few days without callin. i told her that i thought if she was so mad about us not talking then she should take the advantage and actually talk to me when i do call and not ignore me for the sake of television. and i was sorry for going a few days at a time without talking a few times but i was deployed and i may not have alot of work and some days not strenous work but i am always up at 4 in the morning if not sooner, been sick since getting here, and by the time we get out on some days i am dead tired. she said she thought there was a problem and that she didn't know what she wanted anymore...that floored me...didn't know what you wanted anymore...so what was october through december...you helped just as much as me...if not more in initiating us getting back together...and now you don't know what you want anymore...we had a good two weeks which wasn't cheap, and a great thanksgiving with your mom...and you don't know what you want anymore...we took pictures of us to give to our families for christmas, and you made a big collage for my mother...MY MOTHER who loves the hell out of you...and you don't know what you want anymore?
i am greatly confused. this is why i don't know whats going on anymore. i have been more open with her then ever. i haven't held anything back at anytime, and yet there was a supposed communication problem. i've been going to therapy, i have greatly improved my anger, i have an apartment meant for us, i have been trying to make all this plans and surprises for you for when i come down on R&R and you think that there was a communication problem this entire time, that you don't know what you want anymore...if there was a communication problem then why wasn't i ever told...i thought we were communicating a shit load better. and you were very gungho about us getting back together. more then me at the time because i was starting to come to the realization of a break up, an impending divorce.
so yeah, i believe there is a communication problem. the fact that you are hiding...or ignoring...or whatever you are doing or not doing. i'm trying to call you..i want to talk...we need to talk...and yet you are hiding from me and our problems...or at least from me. nothing can be solved and worked on if this is ignored and hidden from. i know that. i'm trying to talk. i've been trying since i coming back in july. i haven't held back anything. i was making the change, taking the curve, improving myself for you and for us. i was making better. but somehow there was a communication problem...i'm trying to call her again tonight..her morning, afternoon...all that jazz. we need to talk. but i'm not sure she wants to. i don't know why, and trying to figure out why my calls go unanswered fills me with tears and heartache.
again things get going good, start to improve...and she runs.......
Story of the Year ~ Take Me Back
Do you still remember back when days were longer, dreams were bigger then
The weight of the world had not yet landed on the shoulders of a man
(I THOUGHT) I thought that time stood still, sheltered, protected
They never told me this would end or that the leaves would fall again
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
There was a day when this world went to war and didn't bat an eye
Real life in the movies felt the same to me and I never questioned why
(I KNOW) I know the difference now, between fact and fiction
But I've come to find that I've grown bitter in just 24 short years
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
So take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Wasting me away, Waste away
So now we're running, we're running blind into the light
And we fall behind
We're running and wasting away with time
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, yeah back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
When we were not afraid
posted by zefyur @ 5:06 AM,
