Its over...and the last words i'll ever remember is "be safe out there"
I am no truly alone. I look down and notice that there are no footsteps parrell to my own. Forward is a dark and frightening road that i am afraid to walk. I talked to her last night...almost two hours...and its done...its over...i sit here now with tear filled eyes and a mind that is swirling about in an abyss of shame, hate, and longing. i dont know what to do anymore, and i don't think i really care to figure out.
Like i told a friend a couple days ago, i was so much stronger before the military. i didn't need or want anyone. I was my own man, and thrived on it...but now...i can barely stand on my own too feet because there is a world there that i cannot get used too. And now I have no support to which to find my ground.
"be safe out there...."probably the last words i'll ever hear from her. and it fills me with such pain that should be a crime against humanity. i don't care about safe anymore. i don't care anymore period...I lost. I've truly lost. I am set to be divorced...something i wanted to avoid at all costs, but now i am no better than my father. I am a drunk, I am disrespectful, I am a shovenistic pig, as well as someone who failed his family...I am as well no better than all the men that came before me in her relationships. I failed her, and hurt her...
i wish this would all go away. i wish i could stop hurting...i wish i had never joined the military. if i stayed home i would be safe...i would have been better...i wouldn't have gotten so enraptured in an image of a so called family that i could not possibly give. i was strong there. i was invincible.
I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost it all. I am now forced to see and face my own demons alone, as well as the rest of what this miserable and joke of a life has to bring me. Yesterday a friend was watching City Of Angels…and I still hate that movie for the fact that it shows how fucking shitty life truly for people. We are nothing more than a joke for whomever watches down on us. We are an amusement, and nothing more than dirt on the ground. I have come to hate life.
Everyone also searches for this special meaning to it as well. And I think I’ve got one….Suffer until you find peace in death…if your lucky. But suffer none the less.
I believe karmic fate is still trying to get even with me…I didn’t think I’ve ever done anything so bad to deem such punishment reasonable but somehow I have, and karma is still trying to cash in.
I hate life…I hate fate…I hate the falsehood that people give in hopes of something better…Most of all I hate myself. I deserve nothing more than what I’ve gotten. The picket fence dream is that…just a dream…at least for me. All ideas and plans I had for my coming years now mean nothing…and I don’t care to plan again. I had it all, and through blindness I beat it to a bloody pulp and pushed it away too far to pull back and mend…can I blame her for running…no. Can I blame her for wanting this too end…No...In the end, no matter what I say, I always blame myself and hate myself for it. I had the chance for something special and meaningful but I killed it.
I need to go. I am in pain, and I can barely hold back the tears of my damnation. I need to go to work and then go back to my bed and hopefully pass out…
Song Of The Moment
Story of the Year ~ Silent Murder
It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong
We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows
We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold
It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
posted by zefyur @ 6:43 PM,
7 Comments:
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At 2:30 AM,
RC666 said...
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I've been through the same pain. On the bright side you don't have any kids, that makes it harder. Though I became a bad alcoholic, I truely have had more fun since my divorce than for the 4 years I was married. And eventually when you least expect it someone else will probably come into your life and hopefully things will work out then. I'm sorry, but don't be too hard on yourself, it takes 2 to make a marriage work and though you were trying it doesn't seem like she was. Keep your head up, the pain will slowly drift away.
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At 5:47 AM,
zefyur said...
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Bet everyone back there is having a good laugh at this. great joke of the day...i don't know dude. i wanted it too work. i've been through too much other shit to think that this one wasn't the right one...i don't know...i got nothin anymore.
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At 6:03 AM,
RC666 said...
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You still got friends. I know I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you and Chris and Tuten. Unfortunately you are so far away we can't really comfort you and get drunk with you.
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At 12:42 AM,
zefyur said...
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yeah...drinking would be awesome right about now...
gotta probably looks like a readjustment in r & r leave come june...chris is supposed to be in San Antonio, and that looks to be where i'll be headin...time to get totally fuckin obliterated -
At 2:31 AM,
RC666 said...
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Hopefully That'll be when I'm down there. I have to get all the details but I was going to go down with Nancy to drop her son off and meet her family and shit. And I think that's when we were going to go to Vegas too. Hopefully all that shit'll work out and we can have a grand ole time!
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At 4:29 PM,
RC666 said...
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See in Vegas you can sit at the video poker at the bar and take your time playin and get free drinks!
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At 4:46 PM,
all we are is a spec in life said...
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Hey Mikey!!!!!!!! Dude no one here is laughing at you. It fuckin sucks how it went down. Brother you know I am here for you no matter what, to talk to or to beat up. I will be in San Antonio so you and I should drink together!!!!!!!! Let me know and we can hang brother!!! If you need ANYTHING dont hasitate to call me or email me. I am wroking on them videos for you. I will be shipping you a package on Monday the 30th. I love you bro!