Not much to write at the moment as my mind is bogged down with various problems and woes. Again the world of blind happiness I have built around myself has been shattered and it seems that this will be for the last time. People may say that I could have been a better husband or what not, and those are the people that only had one side of the story, because frankly I never told people my side. Its no ones business but mine and the people involved. And there are plenty that never came to me for my side and ready to just take what they hear from someone else at face value, but whatever. So be it. I am angry...filled with hate and thoughts of violence. I am hurt. Nothing to sate not even hourse sitting next to a cold building in 40 degree weather in shorts and a t shirt smoking 2 packs and crying for hours could help to fix. I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like I have been nothing more than a safety net to the better things. But I'm the bad husband. I'm the one who never sees the problems and eventually makes them worse. I'm sorry, but I have busted my ass and have destroyed any part of sanity I have ever had in tryin to make this work, only to keep being pushed down and beaten like a fucking dog that refuses to die. And yet no one has ever seen that....no one has ever cared too....I'm the bad husband. So whatever. If thats how everyone wants to see it, then they can see it. I don't care anymore. I've done everything I can and by myself aparently because for a long time now it has been me as the only one giving a shit to do anything about it. I have matured, relationship wise, much more than 80 percent of the people in my age group...but yet I have been told that I need to grow up. I need to start acting like a grownup about things. Till you've walked in my shoes, till you've heard my side, don't fucking talk to me about growin or maturing up. You don't know, and no one cares too. I am on my own. Such as how it has been for nearly a decade now. Me, myself against a world bent to make life miserable for itself because misery and despair and self loathing is all this world seems to fucking now. So I go. I walk my lonely walk down whatever path this bullshit of a life wants to bring to me because in the end thats all I have. In the end I think thats all I will ever need. I have done my fighting. I have done my begging. I have cried and balled, and lashed out in anger; I have pleaded and begged for mercy; I have constantly questioned myself and beaten myself mentally and emotionallly over every mistake I have been told is mine; and yet...and yet...
We are all creatures of lust and need. And I am starting to come to the terms of maybe thats what love and wants really are...just simple downplayed forms of those. I don't want to believe such things but thats what it seems to be all that is left in this cruel miserable bullshit of a world. We all need love, but almost everyone gives up because of the good sex that they find untill the get bored with it and find something else on the side that peaks their interest further.
The life of the white picket fence, the loving wife and kids time is seemingly over, and no one cares anymore. We all want that bigger and better deal. I like what you offer me, but he offers something new, or she offers me this...It seems like I have been living a lie for four plus years now and was blind to it entirely. My thoughts, my plans, my wishes and dreams were just that...mine. Everyone I've come in contact with or had my relationships with had other plans and have aparently used me until they could find the next step too that goal they have for themselves. So be it. I will sit here with my bottle....I will do what I have always done in life when drama and strife have found me. I will take it, I will learn from it, I will be strong and take care of myself. I will make my life for me, I will fight the good fight on my own because there is truly no one that has your back. Life is an uphill battle, a gamble, and nothing is ever easy. And if you give up on what you say is most important because you think its too hard or you don't know how to fix it or whatever than...
I march alone. Give me my ruck...give me my weapon. I will gaurd my lane with my life, and will give to what is just. I am an american soldier who fights for those that truly deserve it and I shall be until whatever lord up there wishes my presence. I am a conformist; I am a rebel. I do what I feel is right for my moral reasons will lead me to a life that will make those lucky few around me happy.
Life's a gamble, its always 50/50. You can't live if you don't play. You'll never know if you don't take that chance. You'll hurt yourself and everyone else if safety is your favorite spot on the field.
In the end we will all die. We all die alone. And we will all die without a legacy to leave behind. Our faces will be forgotten, then our names...then our families entirely. You are no more important than those next too you, behind you, or in front. Nothing about you is special, or noteworthy.
I end this blog with a song that I have constantly listened too for months now.
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails - Remade by the late Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
posted by zefyur @ 9:09 PM,
