She says she hurts...but does she really? Why would she hurt...why does she...she wanted this. I wasn't wanted or needed anymore. The decision was easy and thought on...it shouldn't hurt if you want this so much...Should be like asking do I take a left or a right, then choosing. She says she hurts, but does she really know what hurt is...has been driving to the brink time and time again. Has she spent hours...days on end contimplating the how to end her own life, and the effect it would have. Sitting in a strange bed, in a strange land with people that try to understand and help ease the pain, but sitting there, a pool of your own tears from hours of crying and thoughts of just wanting to give up and wish whatever joke of a god is up there would just quit bullshitting you and just take your life then and there. Has she? No...she wanted this...But I have...Everyday since this has begun...Why would I think different? I want her, not a half ass piece of advice that there is always someone for everyone and you never know what can happen in the future...FUCK THE GODDAMN FUTURE!!!! I don't want it without her! I don't want another woman to take a role I wanted, planned, needed her to fill! I grew up enough to know what I at least wanted out of life and it was her! Thats why I said I do! Thats why I would smile while she slept! Thats why I would always brag about her to people that she had yet to meet! Thats why I always tried to outdo myself when it came too her birthday or christmas or try to get her that something special if I managed to find something that she wouldn't expect! I wanted it to be her...and only her with my fucking last name!!! MY FUCKING LAST NAME!!!! A cursed name to say the least because my father left one hell of a fucking trail and I did not want to have any part of it and I refuse to believe that I am falling down the same path!! I wanted her to be the mother of my children because against her belief I knew she would be a great mother! Better then alot of other women! BUT I'M THE FUCKING IDIOT!!! I'M THE GODDAMN RETARD FOR BELIEVING IN EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT WAS BEING PLANNED AND ACCOMPLISHED FOR FOUR YEARS!!! Yes we had our problems but problems are fixable. We had nothing compared to our parents!!! Especially mine!!! We weren't like other couples that I have known and seen! We just had simple mistakes that built up because one of us would turn that blind fucking eye and tried to disbelieve it instead of hashing it out and solving it!!!
I hurt...I want it over...My life is getting lower by the minute...as I have no want in finding that hidden promise that a cruel life always says is around the corner or behind another door...my foot is still in the other door and I refuse to let it fully close...I don't want anything or anyone else...hell at the moment I don't want myself...My mind has not left the thoughts of end since I began my downward decent into such a sufferable place. At work I play face but everyone knows my pain and anguish that I fight everyday...I am very vocal at times about it...but I play face. Like I always have I act like I have no fucking problem in the world and I play and laugh and go about my business...but I do have a problem...I have to call my mom...my mom...she loved her...she always said she was the favorite...between me her and david...her favorite...and i have to tell her that she doesn't want this anymore...I have to find a way to break my mothers heart...but she'll never know how far his son has fallen...how low he is...how many possible ways of killing himself he has thought of...I hate life...I hate everyone in it (so to speak). I know the things I want....One is not too hurt anymore...
posted by zefyur @ 7:36 PM,
