Yesterday was another horrible day that has been somewhat of a stagnant for this past week...I was at another base the other day with one of our junior enlisted and an NCO and our First Sergeant came out there...well he was seein how we all were doing and from my demeaner I assumed he could tell I wasn't doing well at all...so he took me in the back and asked what was wrong and hell if my life doesn't suck all ready I stood there and told him admist all the tears and crying...He said he was sorry and if there was anything that he could do he would but he told me that need to try to take care of myself and look after myself because unfortunately thats the only thing I can control at the moment...I told him I can't...I have a wife...I want to take care of my wife...I need to take care of my wife...he told me just to stay strong and hopefully it'll all work out in the end....
Stay strong??? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? My life is falling apart and I am slowly pushing my health with it because I just don't care anymore. Its gotten to the point that half way through my first cigarette I get really dizzy...probably not good, but who cares. I don't have anything anymore...My NCO says to just hold on and dont worry. that he's sure by the time comes around for me to take my R & R leave in June that'll it'll be better and she'll change her mind...I told him that she doesn't want me to call her. And that she thinks it'll be better for me to change my leave...So what does that spell out for you!? She is either A) Not in love with me anymore or B) Knows that any contact with me would change her mind because we both know this is a mistake...I'm hurt...I'm at the bottom of my rope and I really don't care about holding on. I want it too snap, I want to make that final decent because what else is there. I don't want anyone else. She's the perfect one for me. We argue, Yes...We disagree, yes...we have had communication problems, yes...we have had our problems. like every relationship. There's never a relationship that doesn't go by that they don't have a hard time or another. But we also had tremendous love for each other. We had lots of fun with each other...Our intimacy was the greatest I had ever felt. We know things about each other that alot of people don't know. We've seen the best the worst and everything in between for each other. We've had our ups and our downs...Why would she want to give this up...this doesn't make sense...i told her there's only so much we can do to fix things over a phone stateside, much less overseas...We just have to make it through this deployment and we can fix everything else...I plan on either finding another place to move too or getting the hell out of the army...We can fix this I know we can...and so I sit here crying next to one of my coworkers/friends just like I did our first sergeant yesterday, much like I've done every day and every night since the 22nd of January...She doesn't want me to call her...but I did...just a little while ago...I didn't say anything...except I muffled sorry after she said hello...she hung up...she didn't sound sad...or upset...or dissapointed in our situation...or like she has been thinking and pondering and going through all the emotions...she sounded okay...just that one word.......I want to hear her voice...I miss it...I miss the sound of her laugh...I miss her bitching at the dog.......I miss her sniffles at times when she's sick....I miss her muffle when she's tryin to talk after bein woken up and not really coherent....I need to hear her again....I want to talk to her again.....but I don't think she wants to talk to me....I don't know why, why does she push me away....why does she pretend to not love me anymore....why does she act like she doesn't hurt, therefore doesn't care about us anymore.....why do I hurt so much...why can't I be strong anymore and turn my back like she wants me to do....because....because I know that when I do, we will never hear from each other again...I know that....I would break the ties.....I did with Laura. she tried to keep in touch and I couldn't so I stopped emailing...stopped answering my phone when it was from her....I didn't want anything to do with her....I know I would do the same for angel...the hurt is so much worse...she was/is my life...and she doesn't want anything to do with me...no...that can't be true....why do you do this...i couldn't have been this bad to deserve this....what did I do that karmically evens this out....why...please stop...please see the light in this because i cannot...i love you so much that this is driving me crazy....angel i need you please take me back......
posted by zefyur @ 6:49 PM,
