As some will notice that I took the link to my wifes blog down. You may ask why, and I'll just say that I did it because there was alot of bashing and angery blows being thrown over there, and she may be deserving of alot, but if there's bashing to be done, I would like it to be done here. The rusted tree is a good beating post for all gripes and complaints. But yeah.
I was on the phone last night. Talking to a friend that I don't get a chance to talk to that much anymore, and definitly won't be able to for a few years, unless by letter. We were talking and they didn't know much on what was going on except for the normal gripes and complaints of any relationship. They said that the last time they talked to Angel, Angel was a bit off and...self involved was the phrase I believe is what they used. And that had them wondering because they had never known Angel to be like that but couldn't really get much out of her, except that she was talking to Cornfuck and had visited him. But that was all they could get. So I ended up giving them the rest of the info from the past year on all the crap that has happened and what has been done and hidden...Flabbergasted was an understatement to say the least of what they felt. Greatly hurt and upset over the situation is another. They said they didn't have much advice other than to get out and get away because they said I deserved much better than the repetitive treatment I have recieved over the course of this relationship...which now...
I had gotten an email from Angel, I believe she sent it last night her time, but she was really pissed about the comments being thrown around and being made on her page, and she was pretty much venting on me. She didn't beat me down, and call me names, but the anger was directed towards me. She said she doesn't feel like she has to defend herself against anyone that has access to the internet, and that this is getting out of hand, the whole world doesn't need to be involved. Which that was my thoughts exactly...last year. When she was making phone call after phone call giving people her side of what was going on and getting them rallying against me because I was the bad seed to the relationship that was seemingly going so well. I told her I don't like the idea of going to people because no matter what this is between me and her and if they need to know then they'll know when its done and over...Well she didn't listen because phone calls were still being made, emails sent, visits being constructed and acted upon. So now since I really started voicing my opinion and complaints, my thoughts and giving what has really been going on in this relationship, all the hidden details that were hidden from me as much as everyone else, now its getting out of hand...now its at a point to where she doesn't want anyone else involved. I didn't start this...Spec can vouche for that...RC can agree. I told them numerous times that I hated it that she was going out and talking to everyone, and getting them against me. That this needed to be handled at our level, because we are the ones in the thick of it. But now when I have brought a side that has been very craftly hidden from the rest of the world, now its at a point where we need to back off. I've tried. I have been handling this at the barest level for most of our four years together. I went to therapy which was the only person I truly went to. Spec I had hidden lots of shit from because, the less he knew the less he was truly involved. Which didn't work out because she was always walking over and sitting in his apartment when he was home...avoiding me at all costs.
Its at a point now where I will give her the divorce...the end of it. Because she is showing that that is what she truly wants. She has found something bad about the thought of being married to me, and wants nothing more than to run away from it...to something I think she doesn't even know she's truly running to. But its away from me and the marriage. But I think I deserve the whole and full truth. From everything I've bitten my tongue on to hide from everyone else, from the amount of actual repeated chances I've given, from the infinite amount of times I have gladly taken her back every time she's run from me, to only see that it was a wrong choice...I think I deserve that. I know I deserve that. I have put myself through more in this relationship than anyone else that'll ever replace me. I've let her beat me into acts of nearly killing myself, and have always gladly taking her back. I've accepted the lies, and when found out about them accepted the fact that we had to move on because we were good before the lie was actually found out and thrown back at her. I've accepted the amount of abuse she's readily thrown my way. I accepted the rollercoasted emotional wreck the love of my life gladly gave me, because no matter how good I was, I wasn't the men she was used to and she couldn't accept or get used to that idea. I've accepted alot, and have taken alot of shit. I see that now. After the amount of others I have talked to, the rereading of my posts and her posts. Reading of old letters she has sent me, and analyzing them. I see what I have willingly went through and she doesn't yet realize. She said she knows what she's done and that I should move on and find something better. Which i don't know. I know she doesn't truly see what she has done. She, i'm sure, thinks that this is still more or less mostly my fault. That she tried her damnedest and I wasn't willing. She had no choice but to do this...for us. She'll never truly see what I gladly took to make this work, to make her happy. She'll never see the wreck I have become, nor will she care i think. I love her. Unconditionally. Willingly and wholefully. I became the doormat, the whipping post gladly because she was there and I believed that she wouldn't leave me...Maybe I was too soft. Maybe I should have been more forceful and pushy. But that wasn't me. I wanted to be the kind loving husband that took care of his family. Because at this time in my life if I get too forceful and pushy I am too much afraid of ending up like my father. So yes I crack jokes, i pick on people because thats my type of humor, but if you want to do something...then i'm like okay go do it. If it makes you happy do it.
My pain is loving someone too much and blindly giving in and willingly helping to hide what was truly going on to the point we both believed it wasn't really happening. I see my fault. When she wanted answers and talk I should have laid this all out on the table last June...But we live and we learn. Now she will go to this other guy...telling me and herself that what she is doing is not what everyone else I have talked to believes she is doing. She will go. She will get really comfortable and really into it. Next thing she knows they are doing things that her and I did. Then...she'll fall. He'll dump her again, and leave her to rot. And she'll look around...but for the first time in four years...Michael Kelley won't be there to pick up the pieces, won't be there to help her sort out her problems to have her run back to them...I'm not a save point like video games...if this doesn't work, reset go back and try something else. I have been that. But I am going to step back. I am going to watch. She asked me not to do an Adam to her...which is go out and rebound fuck...I told her I wouldn't, but I had to bite my tongue because isn't that what she has done to me...Or was I the rebound fuck for those other guys...thoughts and questions that won't be answered because she has never had the strength to give me the full answers. I am backing away. I am giving into what I see has been happening around me. I will keep my promise. No rebound fucks? Okay. Its not hard for me because she has been the only person I have and only person I wanted to sleep with. Two and a half years seperated out of four and I never went further than a kiss. I think I can manage ten and a half months and maybe longer because I have much drinking to catch up on. I had her make no promises, because in the end, I have learned that on her end...all promises are meant to be broken, and a sworn oath is just another way to make a promise.
Angel. For all its worth. I hope you remember me and remember how much love I have for you. Know that my love was the purist of what you will find, and that I tried as hard if not harder than anyone you know and will ever find. I have hurt many people in my past thats why I have stuck through this as much as I have...get past the karmic payback and all will be good. Remember my love. Remember the times I gave too you. Remember me while you live in the apartment I left you...watch the tv I left, sit on my couches, sit at the computer I got you. Remember me when you see anything on wrestling, you accidently come across one of my shirts and comics. Remember me when you see anything on Cirque De Soliel. Remember me when you sit in the parking lot of a target, look in your liquer cabinet. Remember me when you look down at your ring...or your empty finger...When you look in your drawer with our sexual toys and novelty items I had purchased for you and us. Remember me when you play halo, or suikoden or final fantasy. Remember me when you lay in your bed...looking up at him, remember our times as one...when we made love, had sex, or fucked each other. Remember the climaxes I gave to you, and brushed it off if I could not complete it on my end. Remeber everything about me to the smallest detail. I will remember you. I cry every quiet moment when I think of us from our first night in the back of your car making out in that target parking lot, to us saying I DO, to your birthday at panama city, and at baltimore for the aquarium and cirque de soliel. I'll always remember how much your family loved me and how much better they said I was for you than your other boyfriends. I'll always remember that your step dad mike always approved of me and treated me the best if not like one of his own because he saw the potential I had for you. I'll remember our embraces and the feeling I would get when we were one. I'll remember how you looked...your smell...your taste...your touch...I'll remember everything about you. No one would ever have a chance of replacing you. I'll be there...not so much visible as I always was those many times before, when the answers you thought you had turned out wrong. But I will always be there. And if I am, and you feel you are mature enough to handle the adult relationship with kiddie play I offered, and can prove, really seriously put forth the effort to prove that it is what you want and willing to fight for, then we will see. Till then I will be by myself...I will nurse my wounds and watch the world, I will watch you. I will think of you, I will cry for you, I will scream for you. I will hurt myself over you and nearly kill myself because of you. I will dream of you, have nightmares of you, and pass out from the thought of you. You will still be my everything, you will still be held in a high regard, and see me as the man that above all else, fought for your happiness when no one else would, and could care less about you. I have over come my demons. I have overcome my past. I have grown to be a man that far surpasses the men that I have feared the most, the ones I hated the most. I am a man that at 23 and almost 24 who wants nothing more than to have a loving wife, a child, his pets, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and be able to provide for all that. I am not as immature as everyone used to think. I can act it, with the best of them. And I know that I am not perfect, nor strive for it. I thrive of my faults and I try to make do with the good qualities and make those look better. Most of all, if I find something worth it, if I fully believe and put my heart, mind, body, and soul into something, I will go above and beyond what people think is the breaking point. I have proven that. I loved you, I do love you, I will always love you. No amount of hurt will change that. My name is Michael Kelley. I take care of those that I decide can be apart of my circle. I'll nearly kill myself in the name of love and trust. This is me. My heart laid bare. Welcome to my home, welcome to my life. Welcome to my rusted tree...
posted by zefyur @ 8:48 PM,
1 Comments:
-
At 6:26 AM,
said...
-
Michael, Get a grip matey. Life's got more in store for you, but becoming mired in self-hatred in pity will only give you a headache. Let her and all your so-called friends go. Life begins anew, today, this second.
Rush