I stand there, staring ahead analyzing the paths to take. Both grave and dark, and filled with an unyielding unknown. A possibility of hurt and more life rendering pain...but as well both holding a possibility of somethin worth journeying for...I am confused...I always charged forward down the paths that life laid ahead of me...never looking back, never worrying of what I might end up loosing...now though. I stare ahead. Fighting my pains, my saddness, my tears, my broken bleeding heart. How am I supposed to know the right one...how will I know I choose the right path. I am tired of the hurt, tired of wondering...I want that certainty...that garauntee...I look down at my hands. cupped within them a bloodied ring lies there. Its words...(Le mo ghrasa mise agus liomsa mo ghra) are faded and blurred. What once was the definition of my existence is now becoming something obsolete. (I am my beloveds and My beloveds is Mine) Who is she...and where has she gone...I look back, behind me footsteps. Two sets, it wavered sometime ago, but they came back to each other...then one disappeared. Someone was there. With me. As far as I can look back...but where did they go, and were they this beloved of mine. I look forward again, bloodied tears streak my face. Where am I to go? I was heading somewhere, I felt it. It was somewhere good...but...but where did it go? It got cold and dark and I feel lost...someone was with me...I look back thinking where did they go? I grasp the ring, ice cold and heavy. I stand there facing my choices...how long do I wait here...maybe this beloved is lost...maybe she is trying to find me. Do I wait...I am bloodied...I am broken...I hurt the more I sit...the more I think. Do I wait? She has to be looking for me...
posted by zefyur @ 7:25 AM,
3 Comments:
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At 3:11 AM,
The Devil said...
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Mike, I read the other post first and then this one. I just hope that even when you feel like giving up, if there is an inkling of hope left in your heart, then you need to either try whatever you haven't tried, yet...or close it off.
Love is hard. It's confusing and scary. But it's also wonderful and can make you do unimaginable things at times. Marriage isn't about love, quite so much (it's not the main fundamental ingredient in making it work). It's about communication. You need to be able to talk to one another on a deeper level. To be able to speak through your hearts. If that simple, yet complex communication is somehow hindered, then all is lost. Not saying that it can't be reestablished, but I'm saying maybe for the moment there is a kink in ya'lls chain.
It hurts to read that you have to be away, in a different country fighting for another's freedom, when you carry these shackles of divorce so near your heart. If you want to give in to the divorce, then do it. But if you still believe in your marriage (which it sounds like you do), then let her know. People forget the vows they take, sometimes a simple reminder can help in a big way.
Like I said before, it takes two. If she has discarded your marriage and your relationship so easily for something that she sees as "better", well, I have news for her. If you never fix what was broken before (with yourself), you'll keep repeating your mistakes. I know from experience. It took me a long time to accept how I went wrong in my marriage and to forgive myself and my ex for all our misjudgements and wrong doings.
I am lucky to have someone in my life to loves me as I am. And that I honestly love. I learned a bitter lesson in my marriage, but I am much the wiser for it. I know myself better and what I am able to sacrifice for another. Have you learned these things, yet?
You say you chose to stay for your karmic payback? Well, if that's the truth, then why do you think you deserve to be hurt repeatedly? No one deserves that. Not even the biggest assholes I have encountered. No one deserves to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. And you my dear, are in one as we speak.
PS...Sorry so long...
-From MRLF? I suppose...lol.... -
At 5:45 AM,
zefyur said...
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I have always had hope...still do. But I figured that since i've pressed so hard, that I need to maybe back off and let her maybe work her own stuff out. I'm still tryin to keep in touch, but its hard. She sounds like she wants to believe what I say, but when she has seen what all she has done, and is now forced to actually view it...she's not sure anymore. I am still tryin, but I'm trying to take a step back to do it. I love her...have I been abused? Yes. Have I willingly put myself through alot of it...Yes. But i've learned that the karmic hit can only go so long, and that she really needs to work on fixing somethings, and show that she really wants everything we talked about and I promised her...I want it too work. I want to be that one that can make all her problems, all her woes all her fears vanish...and I have never been one to quit and give up on something I feel is worth fighting for. I do love her. More than anything. No matter my mood, no matter what I say on the blog, my love has and won't diminish.
Happy thought No. 3 for ya...
May 2002. Lying in bed with Angel when we lived in the barracks at Pensacola. Two months of dating, and this was the first time we said I love you to each other, while lying in the dark, wrapped in each others arms, spending nearly all sunday like that, because we both moved another step in our relationship and we saw that our partner felt the same way. -
At 7:38 AM,
The Devil said...
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Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder or some shit like that? Well, reflecting back is nice and all, but if you look in the mirror now, is it still that same picture? Is everything the way it once was? If not, consider the reasons why it isn't. Is it because of lies, and cheats and whatever else? Then you never truly loved one another, especially if you hide things and base a relationship without trust and miscommunication. You each have to learn to love yourselves before you can let anyone in your hearts. Maybe that was ya'lls downfall. It seems you have a lot of learning to do in the upcoming months.Who knows how you'll feel once you're back?! Things may turn out better...or worse. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....
Sorry for all the gay cliches...but they work!