Its been a few so I figured, "What the hell? Post somethin...anything. Get my annoyin thoughts out there."
Well as of today, it is exactly two months down from my deployment. Many, many more to go, and here I sit thinking...do I really want to go back? Yeah alot of people will say that when it gets down to it I will want to go back to the states...but I gotta think you know...gotta wonder. I really have nothin to be goin back to to feel at all inspired to return to an empty home that I would just as gladly leave again to go...anywhere. Hell the only thing I really look forward too is tryin to get some Wrestlemania tickets for 2007...but really, is that even worth it. (and my friends thats alot comin from me). Im lookin forward to comin back on R & R though. I get to see a few of my good friends. People I definitly miss and wish I had more time with towards the end. RC...his MRLF????...Specy...then there's some of my friends from the past that have been there with me through many other things in my past. NW, DB, Goose, RMiester, BAD. There of course there's my (supposedly reformed) brother who's head is always soundin like its always out in space. Which I hope to introduce Specy to some of these..kinda bring my worlds together if I can...as he's been an integral part of my present.
But as I was gettin at before, its really not the R & R that i'm not lookin forward to. Its the end of my deployment. The actual end of what will probably be the most defining year in my life. As my life has been smashed and all the pieces thrown into the air. And I stand there staring, thinking hard on what I should reach for to save before it comes to a shattering demise back to the ground. Thats what I believe I am now scared of. The unknown...starting over if it does actually come to it (which it seems that way more and more every day). For almost five years now I have had someone there. Through the bad, through the good, through the great, through the miserable...memories made, laughs shared, but someone was always there. Now...I am again by myself. It seems like forever since I've been in this position, even worse all my friends have that someone that seems like is their one...their for better or worse (at least I hope so, everyone seems real happy with one another), and now I'm the one who sits on the outside, smilin with my whisky and coke, back out in the fuckin warzone. (Oh how I love thee)
Whats funny is I told Angel last year...around October I believe, that I needed an answer on what was going on. I needed to know what was going to happen, what I had to expect when I left and what to expect on my return....and then I was fooled. Funny that. The one and only time I tell her she needs to make a decision and stick with it...she didn't really make the decision. or...I don't know whatever.
One step at a time right? Day by day? Make every moment count, cause it could all come crashing down? Oh how I love life. Every saying is so melodramatic, and yet they are all true. I used to be one to live life day by day, make every moment count...but then I gave into the long term. Planning, hoping, wishing, working towards an eventual end. Oh what a fuckin tard I have been made out to be.
Yeah. So these are my thoughts this day. Happy to be four months away from seein some of my peeps, but miserable at the thought of what I have to deal with after that. Bitin the bullet sounds so good at times.
Limp Bizkit ~ Behind Blue Eyes
no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes
and no one knows
what it's like to be hated
to be faded to telling only lies
but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free
no one knows what its like
to feel these feelings
like i do, and i blame you!
no one bites back as hard
on their anger
none of my pain woe
can show through
but my dreams theyr aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free
discover l.i.m.p. say it (x4)
no one knows what its like to be mistreated, to be defeated
behind blue eyes
no one knows how to say
that they're sorry and don't worry
i'm not telling lies
but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free
no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes.
posted by zefyur @ 5:25 AM,
3 Comments:
-
At 6:43 AM,
RC666 said...
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Trust me I know, Remember I was the one with my Beam and coke on your couch as you and her went to the bedroom and Spec talked about his girl.
MRLF has been trying to put times together and it sounds like we'd be heading down there around June 1-17 but the time will be divided between SA and Houston with the trip to Vegas in the middle. But if we drive down then a couple of days will be doing that. Hopefully you'll be able to join us! -
At 9:40 AM,
RC666 said...
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here's you chocolates
here's your dying rose
Happy late VD, hope you don't get one. Take care bro. -
At 9:41 AM,
RC666 said...
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Sorry, meaning I hope you don't get a vanerial disease.
