Well I think I am definitly at the blah of all my emotions today. A week and a half and my body requires rest, and calm before delving back into my emotional crisies that lays before me. I really don't know where to go in this post, I just feel like typing. Not really much has changed for me. I still sit here, hoping for a far hope that she will come back to my waiting arms. That she will forgive me for my past sins, ask me again for forgiveness for hers (which would be forgiven...), and want nothing more than to move on and to quite hurting each other the way we did...She says she needs to rest, take a break and again try to figure things out...it hurts...i don't like it because every day that goes by takes her further from me, and I am gripping as hard as I can to try and hold on. I think she sees this, and is just letting me do what I feel I must do without trying to give my hopes up. I know not if she hopes to one day, maybe give this another try, or if she would even want to do it again. I sure as hell do. I want nothing more than to do it and do it right. I know we could, because we have learned, at great cost, what not to do to each other anymore, and that would be most benificial to us on another go around.
I know I sound very repititious on all these posts. I apologize to the few readers out there. The rusted tree will try to pick up soon. But these are my problems and I need a way to see and analyze it all, as it doesn't work by just sitting and thinking. As some know. So yeah, thanks for sticking with me, and I'll be trying to start posting pics as soon as I get some and learn how to. So here's to hopin I can gain control of the emotional chaos that has befallen upon my life. I pretty much half the people telling me to stay strong hopefully things will work out the way you want, then I got another half tellin me I should run and not look back. We all know the path I am choosing, and I shall venture it in hopes of seeing the light that I look for. If not...well then there will be more posting on the tree of the defacement of love and how my sanity shall never return..so yeah. If ya like to hear that just stay tuned to see if we go that route or hopefully find a way to avoid it. I love her, don't ask why I do or still do after this all, but I do and always will. We had come far together and were very good when problems were being made worse by one of us. Those who saw us happy, know that, but those that did as well know how bad we were. We both hurt each other in different ways, but the hurt was there. But hopefully...hopefully...
Silent Words (acoustic) ~ By Scars of Life
Inside alone
this world's coming down on me again
Nowhere to run to
as these twisted thoughts flow through my head
I never wanted to break away
Can't help that I don't feel the same
And now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
I stare into myself I'm scared
of what I just might find
A reflection of my past
something I've always tried to hide
Now my life is coming apart
Why must I always be this way?
Now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one seesI can no longer take this
The pain that lives inside of me
Must find a way to erase this
So I can finally breathe
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
posted by zefyur @ 7:20 AM,
5 Comments:
-
At 9:07 AM,
said...
-
You are going through emotions that everyone else has gone through. But I'm telling you this; do not waste your time on the past because the future is much brighter. If you continue to close the doors in the present and future you will never move on and you may miss an opportunity. Great things await those that are patient enough. Trust me.
Everyone has ups and downs. You need someone that loves you unconditionally no matter what your faults are. Each person has to contribute equally…not a half ass job. It is very obvious she is looking for bigger and better things. It unfortunately burned her in the end. She knows exactly what she is doing...more time to think?? She is just wasting your time. When she falls on her ass again, she will come running back. You are better than that
You will eventually realize once you have gone through all the emotions, it was an experience and something that you never want in a relationship again. You may have had some great times but when the bad times out way the good, it is just an emotionally abusive relationship. And you seriously do not need her to feed off your emotions because women will use that to their advantage. Trust me…women are the devil:)
And one more thing, if she is soooo in love with you, she would never have gone to the arms of another man.
Just an observation. I end my soapbox now. -
At 9:23 AM,
Melanie Taylor said...
-
okay, you need to get back into society. why do this to yourself. life is not gloom and doom. do something about it. change things are your own. this is depressing, not that i'm a happy go lucky person. but you fit this stereotype of a dark and dreary person, who wants bad stuff to happen to them. get over it.
-
At 6:52 PM,
zefyur said...
-
Thatws cool specy. Let her say what she wants. I know what I'm goin through, as well as a few others that are friends and family. We all make choices and mine was to come here to do my part to protect a nation of people that want what they hate, and thats peace, and harmony. Its not my fault that it has come to where in this day and age everything is fought for, and everything has its price and causes tremendous pain. I am going through that in my assistance to help a group of people that has half hating americans and the others loving us. I am part of the greatest military and nation in the world, and yet the nation we serve loaths its military to the umph degree, because we do things that they will never understand. Just because we got a mic jockey that sits on her ass all day and feels the need to voice an opinion that in the end will solve nothing while me and all my fellow soldiers of 17 years and older come out here and willing die to give her that right, I will let her have her day. You beat me ma'am. I have learned my oh so lesson. Sit at your desk, talk to your people who sit in the car and care nothing for what you speak of, and pretend I don't exist, because to the american people the military doesn't...we are degenerates with a bloodthirst and a homicidal rage. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement while I fight against oppressors and my own inner demons. Because negativity is what I need when I have 30 rounds and an M16 around.
-
At 4:37 AM,
The Devil said...
-
First off, I would like to say that even though I don't necessarily think it was wise to state your opinion so bluntly, Mootaylor....She is somewhat correct. I don't know you well, Mike, and we all go through dark stages in our lives, it just so happens that you may be going through one at a very inconvenient time. These dark phases make the better moments sweeter.
Spec: Take a chill pill...the woman has a right to her opinion, as well as you.
I think that I could give you advice, but only you know yourself and know how you can deal with this. Please, don't doubt that there are people (even though far away at the moment), that love you and cherish your friendship. I would hate to have to hear that you did something stupid over something that isn't really worth it. Marriage is sacred (and worth it, if you want it), I know. But it's also a contract that can be broken, if it so happens to fit the bill. I'm not saying, to not try and work things out. But make sure that you are complacent with yourself once you turn and walk away (if that is your choice), for if you don't ...You may live your life with regret and the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.
I went through a lot in my marriage, but I can gladly look back and say that even in my darkest hours I'm happy with the choice I made. I tried as best as I could to mend what was unfixable. But it takes two. It's a daily decision to keep going. And if one of you decide that you don't want to try or it's not worth the struggle, then the other person is left to drown.
So, make the right decision for yourself. Disregard what others think and say (I know it's hard!). But know that no matter what your decision may be, you have a group of friends and family that love you and will support you in whatever you choose to do.
PS...Thanks for the comments...and I hope it all works out for you how you want it to, in the end.
Sorry it was so long! -
At 5:39 AM,
zefyur said...
-
Thank you milfie. (it is okay if I call her that is it RC???) but yeah thanks for your words and advice...A big part of me wants to stick this through in hopes of something...you know...but then theres that part thats like what are you doin...how many times have you done this all ready and it has ended up with the same result just with more and more damage. But to me...its like...If I can get to that next chance...if we can get together and sit down hash it out, talk...like really fucking talk, get it all out and see where it stands and say pretty much hey...we've done this all ready and we see that it didn't work...if we're gonna actually make this marriage and relationship work then aparently we need to stop what we were doing and do it another way...i know I could make it better...i don't know...maybe i'm blind against something, but I love her. So very much...i'm fuckin crazy in love with the girl that I have become the total opposit in strength of what I was before I met her...I don't know...but thank you for your words...so i'll end this with another happy thought so it won't depress ya...
January 1992...10 years old i believe...I was at the astrodome in San Antonio. I had been watching wrestling for 3 years by then and at the time Shawn Michaels was my all time favorite. No one could beat the heartbreak kid. But I got to see him at the freeman colliseum that...saturday i belive at an autograph signing...but yeah...January something 1992, sunday...astrodome, Royal Rumble...Shawn Michaels vs. Psycho Sid for the WWF title. Sid was champ. Shawn had Jose Lethario in his corner...It wasn't that great of a match...but to be there live, my very first wrestling show, to see my favorite hometown wrestler win back his coveted title from the man that stole it and (in storyline) send Jose to the hospital...10 years old. Standing in my seat jumping for joy because Shawn was back on top. Nothing could've beaten that...Me my brother and my dad (when he was trying to be a dad). Good times good times