Well we dropped off Zimmerman...Tracy as I shall refer to her from now on in any other posts. Garman and I took her south for her to get ready for her flight back to the states...It was very sad indeed. I mean, I never saw her back when we were stateside. I stuck to my own...chatted with people every now and then, and left for home when released, and drank my ass off till I had to go back to work. So I never made time to had friends. I mean with everything going on in my life at that time I didn't want any friends. I was in the midst of a relationship that I was tryin to fix...hell a fuckin marriage I was tryin to fix...and I was having bad times with various friends because of it. So I didn't want anyone else to be burdened with my problems, and I really didn't want anyone to bother me. I was content being by myself, and trying to kill myself every day with various pills and four or so bottles of whisky and vodka a week. I didn't give a shit. So yeah, but coming here, we all had no choice but to make friends or be miserable with each other. Now Tracy and I didn't hit it off too well. She was upset about bein this far from her son and family, and I was upset about bein this far from Angel after we started to, seemingly, put our marriage back together and fix things. Well after a little head butting and everyone feeling each other out, we became decent friends, and later better friends...at least thats how I felt. I really did like her and havin her around. She was good for a laugh, and put up with my ridiculous perverted comments, and occasional flirty ways...why? I'm not sure, didn't care. I was making people laugh with my childlike ways and to me thats all that mattered. I was able to help keep people's minds off of situations they had goin on for a brief moment, and get them to laugh at my expense. But today....or 10 March if I don't get this posted today...We had to leave one of our own behind. It was very sad. I understand the circumstances, and I wish for the best. I hope she faces no problems along her way. But I, and Garman, weren't ready to see her go. To Garman, besides being a good person, she was a damn good soldier, and he liked that. He said he hadn't seen anyone as squared away and motivated and all around good at being themselves and Army in a long time. For me, it was a good distraction. For certain moments out of the day, I didn't have to think of home(s), my mystery future, my woes, my sorrows, my saddness at a life with the one I love and a hopeful family that I'll never get to have....I was able to break the shell of pitty and despair and be myself and was at ease about it. And in my head, as well, I didn't want her to leave until we do. We were all a family, disgruntled, and sometimes hateful, but in the end we were all a family. But Life goes on, and so we march. I hope to keep in touch with her. I would say I hope to see her again, but in the military nothing is for certain, and it would be hard to hope for something like that. Keeping in touch is good enough for me. Its all anyone can ask for.
So yeah, the drive home was pretty uneventful. Garman and I didn't talk much. We talked a little bit about families, and about how he and his wife were tryin to plan about the future, and how they were thinkin on having another child or adopting. I personnally don't see why they would, they got three good kids, and wouldn't you want peace for a little while when you get older, but I have a feeling they just aren't ready to let go of the parenting and raising yet. Which I know is hard for some parents, the good ones, to do. And that got me thinking of when I would, if I would, get to feel such things. I know i'm only 24, or soon to be, and I should be spending my twenties having fun and partyin but really in essense I could care less. I've been growing up and having to do more adult things for a decade or so now because of problems at home, and I really have done enough partyin and playin and enjoyin the loneliness that life can bring to those that just spend it frivolessly. I want stability really....I wouldn't mind being a parent. Yeah it'll be a challenge, because I still got a little bit more maturing to do, but really you never know how you handle situations until you are thrusted into it. Which is why I always get pissed off when people ask me what I would do, or what do I have planned about such an occasion. I tell everyone I don't know till I'm there. And I won't know, but I have a feeling that I would excel...and I want to. I want to be the loving husband my father, I want to be the caring father that I didn't recieve. I want to take care of that family to come home to and do things with. We don't all live for ever, and I have abused my body to alot of limits and still do gladly and will do in June when I go home, and will do even more so come whenever I make it back to the states for good. But while here, I want to be something I never had, I want to have something that many people take for granted and throw away. I want to show and prove that I can be all those things and handle it, and be the best.
Yeah. I am in a slump again. I am teary eyed, I am beaten. I want the pain to go away. Why do I hurt so much about something that was so easily given up by someone else. Hell she said she would never forget me, and would keep in touch but its been like two weeks since I even got an email. I usually send her one like every other day or so, and it takes me like callin her, if I get the balls, to get a reply on an email...Why do I care so much still. Why do I still feel the need to try to prove something to her, to fight for something I thought we had....I still cry myself to sleep on some nights. I can't look at her pictures anymore...I wear my ring around my necklace because it got to a point to where if I felt it on my hand I would cry. And yet I still want it...I still want her. Why? Why can't I get passed this and get over it? Why do I still love her after everything she has put me through? Why do I still believe I would gladly take her back if she asked me too? I just want that one thing...that special someone...and to not feel this way when it comes to them...but I am killing myself over this person...and I am alone. Like alot of us up here. I am alone. Alone and sober...two things I have a hard time dealing with, and no cure in sight.
Frank The Tank
posted by zefyur @ 6:46 AM,
