well here goes. i guess this can be my reply to rc and his master...the MRLF. I understand the whole just leave it at friendship and/or fuck buddy thing, because of the rebound. and i really have thought long and hard on everything. i've been doin nothin but thinking. hence why i'm up to like 2 to like 3 pacs of cigerettes a day. i have really beaten myself up over this whole thing. but her and i talked the other night, bout everything that has gone on, other peoples intakes that i have talked to, and what good ole peevduece said to her once i left the room. he had aparently jumped down her throat sayin that she better not be playin me and that he doesn't want her around and doesn't like her and all that. which i'm cool with a bit you know. i mean, he prolly coulda been calmer, but its nice to know that i got someone out here lookin out for me. i give him props. but thats what got us talkin cause she was pissed off at him and i bothered her till she told me why she was mad at him, which then insued a bunch of other quesitons on my part and us conversin on everything. and like i said i have been thinkin alot about everything. rebounds, fuckbuddy's, all that other crap. and i know i don't want fuck buddy's, i told her such. i'm not out for sex. i dont want to be friends with benefits because to me right now that just lessons how i feel about myself even more than what i feel all ready. i need something to make me feel important, feel special, feel like i am needed and loved. its something i've been missing. something i've been needing for quite some time now, as i've felt my own self worth go down over the past close to a year. so we talked and decided to see each other, see where things go. and yes i do feel a some guilt, because yes i still am technically married, and i do still have feelings for angel as thats something that'll never go away. but...i don't know. the feeling of being needed and just havin someone there, around is great. i don't like feeling the way i have been and was gettin worse with as the days and months dragged on. i hated who i was becoming and didn't give a shit on fixin it because who else would care. who gives a fuck. but now i have a focus. something that isn't the dark and dreary with constant suicidal thoughts, that has become my life. i have someone who enjoys my company, instead of finding a place to run to. i mean she as well doesn't appreciate my tard and racial jokes, and i'm sure other ones that are in my uncooth repertoire, but thats cool. i can watch what i joke about. but you catch my meaning. i'm gettin a feeling of self importance again, of like i am truly worth a damn and just someone that is unfortunately still there. anyways i gotta get goin. gotta teach the duece how to use a dvd burner...more on my story later. but yeah, for everyones reference when i refer to D, or my lil D, she'll be who'm i'm talkin about. more more more laterz. have a good day y'all. miss everyone. specy i love ya man. see ya in a month.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 10:39 AM,
2 Comments:
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At 2:51 AM,
RC666 said...
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That's cool man. As long as my little zefy is cheering up a bit!
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At 9:28 PM,
zefyur said...
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heh. workin on it. i've been gettin alot better actually. besides the fact that i still have trouble sleepin, i'm havin better days, or at least lookin forward to gettin up...well. as long as my dumb ass headquarters doesn't make us do stupid shit because they are a big sack of tards. but i digress (ha! big word for me today!) i'm feelin better these past few days.