well here we are. almost five months down. my how time has flown, and so much enjoyment and pain has with it as well. i really don't know where to start, or where to go, i just felt like writing. i guess a way to see my thoughts that have been bangin around in my head for the past week or so. i'm tryin to move on...for those that have kept pace you know what i mean, for those that haven't, then please backtrack cause i really don't feel like rehashin it. but yeah, i'm tryin to pick myself up and find something...anything to not make the darkness so suffocating. some days are good, some are not. but i'm tryin. i wonder at times if i'm wrong for doing so. for trying to force myself to give up and move on. i think that its supposed to be a gradual thing. something that one would have to go through and take their time with and learn from, but i don't want to. i don't want to wade my way through it. i've been doin that for awhile now. i just want to be free of the pains as quick as possible. am i wrong for trying to cheat myself out it i guess. am i wrong for forcing myself to say fuck it...i don't know. i feel i need to. i can't keep myself suffering over something that i'm the only one suffering from. i'm holding onto something thats not there, and i'm continually asking myself why...and then why not. but no. no more. i can't. its hurtin me too much to keep doing so. to pretend to everyone i live with that my world is a happy place and that i'm content with everything. my true face has been showing. my malcontent for everyone's so called god, for the hands people are dealt unfairly by the cruel bitch known as fate....my pesimistic ways are showing harder and harder...and too some people i don't wish to show them too...there are some that i've started to try to confide in...kinda like a handle to keep myself standing upright on the slippery floors of my sanity...but i'm starting to be angry again. hateful. pushy. i'm becoming the me that was hard to like back in maryland, at least the final year...the me that i hated...i find it hard to not be angry. i hurt like hell the other day as i really truly thought on everything again. it showed. everyone was awkward around me, and really didn't talk to me much...which is okay, i didn't want to. one person tried though. she knows a little bit of the situation, but not much cause...i don't know. i just don't want to tell her. don't want to be a sobbing idiot or show how much of an emotional box of hell i am. so i just sat back and smoked, and joked, and played the face, played the actor that all like, a me more tolerable. but she's asked, and i've avoided. my world is so spun out, i don't know what i really truly doing anymore. am i using my hurt as a crutch now because i was always this way, just good enough to hide it from myself? am i truly used to being like this? i don't want to believe that. i was happy before...several times throughout my life. i've found happiness before. can i find it again? i have friends. i believe i have some of the best friends one could ask for. people that i concider to be more family than most of my real family. and they have been very good at putting up with this all. with my rollercoaster effect. they've been awesome at trying to lift me up and help show me the way out of the turmoil i am in, as best they can. they all know more about me than my real family. they've all seen me at my best and my worst. they've accepted that. never once have i been pushed away, though i've tried to push them away at times. i've shoved against them all. i think thats the one thing that has been the best help for me most of all. the one thing that has made me feel less important and truly unwanted or unneeded. i thank you all. i love you all. i truly don't know what i would do or be like without any of you as you all hold your own special place in my heart and in my life. thank you for bearing with me through this, and the constant questioning of my actions, but i truly am trying to put my foot forward now. trying to make plans, and put forth the effort of something of a future. i'm tryin to get back to my live for the day by the day attitude, as i know thats what made me comfortable. i must go, i have to check on someone now, and get back to my room before the rains come. thank you all. till next we all meet.
~frank the tank
posted by zefyur @ 7:25 AM,
