my rusted tree

well here i sit on the 3 of july, my final day in maryland, as i get ready to head back to san antonio tomorrow, and from there back to the great desert. i am so not ready for that. i sit here now thinkin on it all and i really am not ready for another six months back there, in that hell, away from everyone i know and love. it has been a great stay, even though i haven't been able to see everyone i wanted to see, or see some as much as i wanted. but time is limited, and there truly is only so much you can do in two weeks as i think on it and look back. i am greatly saddened. i wish i had the chance to hang out with specy more, or even have the chance for myself, specy, and rc to hang out like old times. its been quite some time since the three of us have had the chance to hang out and act a fool. then there's angel...i knew coming here that nothing could happen. nothing should happen. just reestablish lost relations, have a good time, and just enjoy each other. which i think we have. i know i have very much enjoyed my time with her. its been some time since i've felt this comfortable with her, and not delving too deep, mentally, into every word she says. i have been totally free feeling and just over all enjoying what little time i had with her, and i haven't regretted it since day one. i know she still has alot going on in her head as its evedent of such, and i am not pressuring her into a decision. i don't want her to rush into any thing. as it'll make everything that much worse. i told her to just do what she's doin think on things, and just go with the flow. i as well will continue to do what i am doing, and go with the flow. cause really i am being pulled away again for another 5, 6, 7 months so what would be the point of us trying to work things out and get back together. no point. at least not right now. we would end up again where we are now. and probably worse. no. the time would definitly kill any lost hope and promise we could have, if they haven't been all ready. so i wait. i am okay with that. i mean, don't get me wrong, i don't want to be divorced, i don't want to loose my marriage, i most of all don't want to loose her as my wife. i love her. unconditionally. i love her more than i am willing to admit at times. even through everything that we've been through, i know that there is something in there, something there that we had, that is worth saving. and i am willing to still fight for it and preserve it. but i know that i have to play the wait game. i have to let time decide wether or not we were meant to be. i've set out and done what i meant to do. if this is to be the end of us, as a couple, then we have a closure we can both be comfortable with and be happier with. as last years felt too fake. felt too forced. now we can be content with the knowledge we have, and with the memories we share. and if some day we do get the chance to do it over again. then we know where we went wrong, and what we need to work on, and what we need to do to help the other. we have the benefit of foresight now. but who's to say what time holds for us. i can't. she can't. no one can. so i sit. enjoy my life, and the experiences i've been given, and the ones i am and will go through. as i am a student of experience. thats how i've always proven myself to be above others. i've taken my experiences and those that others around me have gone through and learn. yes i may be a bit slow, and even if some things show me that i should stray away, and i trudge into it anyways, i will learn the hard way as well. cause i hope i can change things. i try to change things. but i thank those that have stayed by me, and helped me when i fell and i couldn't stand back up on my own. i love you all and will always be there for you. and angel. thank you for what you have given me. we weren't the most perfect of people, and alot of people didn't think we were good for each other, as they never saw us when we weren't at our best. (as one of us would ineventably show off and start an argument) but i believe we were perfect for each other, and only had room to grow. but then...maybe thats what we need now. a chance to grow. to be on our own, to fall by ourselves, to fend for ourselves...who knows. i will be there for you whenever you want me to be. i will take what i can get now. friend, companion, lover...where ever we go i will gladly follow. thank you for what we have shared. for the memories, good and bad. thank you for loving me, and giving me the chance to love you. who know's what the future holds.

Who's to say? I mean really.