well its definitly been a long while since i last blogged. i've recieved a few emails from some of you that for some reason come to the tree. so first my apologies for taking so long to post for you all. i would say i would try better to keep up with the posting, but right now i'm in that...whatever, funk that i'm just coastin. having to return to this godforsaken place, after enjoying what felt like eternity back home really just bums you the fuck out. i did have a good time, even when i didn't do shit. hell not doin shit was such a release from the stressful rigors of this damn place. I wish I had more time there, and gotten to see everyone i wanted to see. but time was not on my side. but hell its over the hump, so i guess i should be happier that i'm on the downward slope to head back home right? a little bit yeah. i feel a tinge of excitement. but then again...do i really look forward to going back to washington...to a more batallion style of life...to a more field training unit to prepare for things like this. do i really want to go back to a somewhat normal life, when in essence i have gotten used to this...grown fond of it and the people i have come to know and spend time with. i don't really know. i mean some of those people i get to come home with, while others i won't see again. which is kinda the life of the army, but while i have come to accept that and was prepared for it...i just wasn't yet. i spent six months here. had a great time home. came back here, and no sooner than a week after my return, i learn that D and her unit is heading north. to the great fight. now alot of you don't know, but D and I broke up...well. she broke it off with me, and pretty much pissed me off with how she did it and handled everything else that came afterwards, but either way it doesn't take away my feelings for her, and the worry i have for her, and some of the other people i have grown to know and concider...as close to a friend as they can be. i was well prepared for three months down the line to see them leave, back to germany. but not this soon. not to where ever it is they are heading to in that area. i know i shouldn't worry too much, as i'm sure they'll be safe...well. some of them i'm sure. but which ones? which ones? and why does it have to be certain ones? why not all of them? hell, why do they have to go? there's really no reason for them to go there, but yet here they are. packed up. ready at a moments notice...and our goodbyes have been said, several several times. i am saddened. greatly. i feel like i could come to the brink of tears. no matter how it all happened, and how she handles herself i do care for the girl, and don't wish this upon her. nor any of the others. hell there was a time where i was asking everyone, from my command to other commands to pick me. to send me. i talked to a few techs over email to ask to switch. i wanted to go. i wanted my chance to stare death in the eyes and chance my fate. there was a time where i just simply didn't care anymore. where i wanted to die, and let my woes and pains disappear with those final breaths, as i look at the world through a new set of eyes with peace and serinity going through my coldening body. there was that time. and there still is to some degree. not for all those reasons, as i've begun to find myself again. i am getting stronger by the day...stronger...but it is also because of the people i associate myself with. i've been building my strength back on the shoulders of others till i can walk again...and i don't want to walk right now. not by myself. or at least not without everyone that i know and care about. why couldn't have been me? i'd gladly take the chance to do my part, so someone wouldn't have to. so someones loved ones wouldn't have to worry about them, or how they would come home...
so i sit. i wait. i say my goodbyes again and again. i keep my smile strong, and my attitude high for them. for them all. cause they need to be focused, they need to have an easy mind. i know that what i do is small...probably meaningless. but i try. maybe i try more for myself then for them. i dont' know. i just know that this is something i didn't want to come back to. i wasn't ready to deal with. i want them to go home, not where they are going to. why? why? they had three months left and now they have to go risk their lives. now it has been determined by some old nearly dead sumbitch that he feels the need to move this group of people, so close to going home away from this place, north to go fight a battle that really has lost all its meaning except to stay in it cause to pull out people would bitch about all we have lost, even though they don't see that the longer we stay, the more we loose because there really is nothing to gain except for a group of old people who think they know how to run a country feel better about themselves, or to get their name in a history book saying how chivalrious they were or whatever. make them feel better cause they were willing to put my friends into a great danger when they are supposed to be going home. if you are going to send us, do it from the start, not at the end. not when we have all stressed out here for nearly a year to only get orders that we are going to mobilize and go north, and probably get our deployment extended because of it.
I think i'll end this here, cause now i'm depressed and must find a way to lift myself...which means loosing myself in wrestling or video games cause thats all thats pretty much here. heh. yeah.
Life is just one damned thing after another ~ Elbert Hubbard
posted by zefyur @ 4:20 AM,
1 Comments:
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At 2:59 PM,
said...
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Keep your chin up babe. I know how shitty it is to have to sit back and worry about people you care about, knowing you can't do anything to protect them, but you can't let this get you down. Keep them in your thoughts and trust that it will be ok. *hugs* Let me know if there is anything you need, k? I'm always here if you need me.