"I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrads to forget, that we are professionals, Non-Commisioned Officers, Leaders."
The military is something that is a state of flux if you will. Its core leadership is not something that is what it used to be, and at the same time it hasn't made its stamp, or placed its seal of how it wants to be with its new generation. There is a constant battle of Old vs. New, and all sides seem to be at a stand still. It seems as if the leaders of yester-year and those of today are just on coast, and don't put forth the effort that they swore an oath to uphold. I think we have come to a time that many people question their leadership, and at times desire the things that they have yet to learn about...yet there are those of us that have been there for some time and all we yearn for is what was promised us...
"All Soldiers are intitled to outstanding leadership. I will provide that leadership."
The corp is falling. Thats how i think of it. Our dearest so called backbone of the army is falling, and really who couldn't see it coming. Its gotten to the point that once that point is reached, all one cares about is bettering themselves, and getting to retirement...then all they focus on is the retirement. Now don't get me wrong, there are good NCO's out there, but they are getting far and few between. The corp is falling...The corp has forgetten itself, and those that help support it.
You all are probably wondering why i say this...what again has happened to make me think that my support channel is nothing more than a joke...a string of falsehood...or nothing more than a smile, that is full of venom and lies.
Today i learned that the Semptember promotion board will be held on the 1st. This is something that I have been yearning for, something that I have finally felt that I am ready for...well I felt like I was ready for it last month, but this month it was a surefire. Finally, I will be able to join the ranks of the respected..finally I will be able to make the impression on another group of young, and lead them in hopes of influencing them enough to better themselves, for the sakes of their own lives and careers, as well as putting a good face on for our military...our Army....
Not so...not so...I learned as well that our astute, that our HQ, headquarters if you will, our support down south, again lost my promotion packet...again smashed my morale and hopes...you see I did a lot of damage to myself back in maryland...that i know. but one can only keep his head so high, or give the attempts and tries up so long when that no matter what he/she does they are always getting bashed for it, and getting bashed the worst. and blatantly. as well as getting different stories from everyone, and still ending up with a knife in the back. from maximum punishment on the smallest of things, to narrowly dodging the fact that that last command tried as hard as they could to try to not allow me to reenlist, i dodged, i got out, and alot of stress was relieved, as alot of stress on me at that time, alot of why i was pushing so hard at all sides of my life, alot of reason of why i was becoming a harder and harder drunk, alot of reason on why i was getting so sick all the time, was work and how i just couldn't take it anymore...i was in a falling marriage, and i was working in a corrupt system that didn't care for anyone that didn't fit their mold, didn't make them look good, who butted from time to time. so once i finally got to Ft. Lewis, and finally got into therapy, alot of my stress and outlook changed. I was becoming a new man, a new person...and someone who felt good about themselves, and was now focused, to better themselves and their career.
Blindfolded...cigarette in mouth, and awaiting the shot...
Thats how I feel. I have been trying to get to a promotion board all year now, and its been one thing after another. You need to go to a month board...not this month...not this month...not this month...okay..no wait...yeah not this month...okay good job, but yeah can't get you to the promotion board now lets try next month...oh...yer on leave...okay not this month...nor that month...sorry we lost yer packet...oh my bad...we lost it again...ooops. What happened to your packet again?
Thats what my 1st Sgt said when Garman asked him if I would get into this coming board if they resent the packet they lost. Nope. What happened to his packet? Your the son of a bitch that we sent it too. And you don't know. You don't keep up with what is going on with your soldiers...oh yeah thats right. We had that bullshit competition this month...a ctt training competition in the sweltering kuwaiti heat that meant nothing at the end. we got four bullshit pieces of paper that are worthless and a chunk of glass that would be better served being shaped and filled with alcohol of some type. A fucking competition was more important than a career...than a soldier bettering themself...than the morale of the soldier and faith of the soldier in your leadership capabilities. Hell i still haven't gotten the damn certificate of achievement from my may board that i won, and their excuse was that i was on leave when the colonel was gonna present it too me...yeah i was on leave...some 20 days after the board, and i've been back how long now??? almost two months. And hell i asked the 1sg about the damn thing the day of our awards ceremony a couple of days ago, and he told me i would get it...and what happened...nothing. not a damn thing. and then he gives garman that excuse over email since we couldn't find him after the ceremony. so i get lied to again...and stabbed in the back, and the board was the twister.
I thought I left this.
I thought I came to a place where I might actually be treated with some respect...
No. I'm a show piece...a model.
Look at the tango who's showing he can handle his job and a romeo's. Look at our fucking puppet, our showpiece.
I'm nothing...i mean nothing. I feel worthless, and I am again at the point where I don't care anymore. SGT Gough, and SSG Garman are trying...they are trying their damnedest, but i have told them blatantly several times since this news was broken that I have lost all faith in my support channel, in my command, and I just don't care anymore. Cause this hasn't happened to anyone to me...and those leaders at headquarters just blow it off and make it seem small...don't show any effort in being apologetic in their actions, or lack there of.
I can't do this anymore. I try i get beat down...i fight back, i get beat down more, i finally escape and get somewhere that looks like its soldier first...and the knife has blindsided me...
I don't care anymore. I told Gough and Garman...hell pretty much everyone that I work side by side with that I am no longer studying...I will know my creeds, and I will get those out to the best of my abilities...but thats it. If they ask why I it seems as if I wasn't ready, then I will say that I didn't prepare cause it seemed a repetitive thing that I would not be allowed to get to a board as I have had two packets lost so I have lost faith in those above me to actually put forth the effort of caring for their own. If they ask why do I think I am ready to be in a leadership position then I will say that I think I can bring something this unit is sorely lacking. Something that seems to have escaped this command and those who are in command...
"...outstanding leadership."
Gough says to not give up hope. We will get you there. But what they don't understand is i've been fighting this battle for alot longer then a few months now. I just was fortunate enough that i was able to take a break, get to therapy before i got close enough to taking my life. And now i am being sucked back into that hole...back into a place where i stop caring, and stop trying. I want to cry, but i know that won't get me anywhere. I want to get drunk, but its a dry country..I want to get high...to another plane of existence...but i don't have the means too while here...
I have no good leadership above the immediate...I got no one that truly cares and is there for me, in the military sense that I want. Whenever I try...its never good enough...its never what others want...or i'm just easily forgotten and pushed to the side...something thats worthless...something that really doesn't matter in the spin of things.
Just a showpiece...
just a showpiece....
posted by zefyur @ 6:24 AM,
3 Comments:
-
At 1:22 PM,
said...
-
I'm so sorry to hear that hun. I know you have been looking forward to that promotion. RC is right though, don't let it get you too down. They are idiots and unfortunately, their stupidity will always roll downhill. I know you will do fine just as soon as they send ya to the board. You have worked your ass off since getting to Lewis to be a good solider, don't let some dumbshit ruin that. They are not worth the aggrevation. Fuck 'em. Just keep trying and don't give up in yourself because of them. *hugs*
-
At 5:51 AM,
RC666 said...
-
And buy some valium! You can turn on a word verification to block those fucknut spam commenters. I don't know how they do it but I know you can block it with that.
-
At 7:06 AM,
zefyur said...
-
yeah i know. i'm just lazy as hell and don't feel like it. i figure if they keep sendin it, one day i'll buy somethin. ~shrug~